Why Don't Mexican Women Like to Mamar Vergas?

Dear readers,

My August 10 column advising Enamorada Gabacha to improve her relationship with the Mexican who invaded her heart by giving him "an old-school blow job" drew many letters -- starting with Gabacha in Love herself.

Dear Mexican,

Well, of course I thought of a good old-school blow job, silly. How do you think I calmed his ass down enough to actually have sex the first time? I thought he was going to have a heart attack. While he loves the BJs (especially since his Mexican ex-wife wouldn't do that -- what's up with that?), we're still struggling. He thinks I'm gorgeous, the nicest person he's ever met and loves the sex but doesn't really believe that I would or could be part of his life in the long run. He's planning to move to Texas to be closer to his kids. I'm heartbroken and wonder if I should never go down this road again -- or if it was just him. What do you think -- no more gorgeous Mexican guys for me?

Gabacha Enamorada

Suffering from a similar predicament is El Fruncido ("Frowning Wab"):

Dear Mexican,

I'm dating a gabacha who's very much into Mexicans, but if there's anything American culture has taught us, it's that gabachos like their ethnics a bit manicured. They keep reminding us how "quaint" our culture, country and language seem to them but then hire people like Charlton Heston and Antonio Banderas to play Mexicans. It's only natural that the inferiority complex Octavio Paz constantly pondered comes knocking from behind our door every now and then. I think the blow job solution for Enamorada Gabacha is a great idea, but can a relationship between a Mexican and a gringo really work on the long run? Or is the cultural clash more like our countries' diplomatic relations, where the United States commands and its southern, poorer neighbors must follow?

El Fruncido

Enamorada, you're right to wonder why Mexican women don't like to mamar vergas -- it stems from the Thomist notion that sex acts without the possibility of conception are a cardinal sin. But if you're still experiencing problems with your Mexican, you've discovered something profound: Noncommittal pussy man transcend borders. Any hombre who won't commit to a smart, sexy girl like yourself no es a real Mexican man, so kick that puto out, Enamorada Gabacha, and prepare yourself for the waves of gorgeous Mexican guys who will undoubtedly bug me for your e-mail.

And Frowning Wab: You bad-mouth gabachas, yet you date one. No oral sex yet, eh?

Dear Mexican,

How come niggers don't like Mexicans? It seems like they are welcome at our bars, but when you go to their bars, these motherfuckers act like you're trying to reinstitute slavery. Don't these chanates know that we don't think like the white man?


Dear Wab,

Flare-ups between old and new communities in the United States is as American as jazz. Mexicans dump -- and fiercely -- on African-Americans, which gives them every right to want us deported. For chrissake, Niggarachi, you called African-Americans niggers, motherfuckers and chanates (the Mexican Spanish word for blackbird -- and yet another slur in our Rolodex of Racism used against blacks) in the course of your question -- and you still have to ask why "they" hate us?

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