Why Texans Are So Bad About Filling Out Their Census Forms

The Texas Tribune reports that our state is among the worst so far when it comes to filling out census forms. Only about 25 percent of Texans have done so, and the only places that have done even less are New York, Alaska, and the magic southern trio of Alabama, Georgia and Florida.

This is distressing to Texas politicians, because if the population is properly counted there may be perhaps four additional members of Congress in the House of Reps. And just about anyone who's studied the problem of modern politics has come to the conclusion that what is missing in our public discourse is more members of Congress from Texas.

Why are we so bad at filling out the 10-question form?

Let's just take a look at those questions.

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1. How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment or mobile home on April 1, 2010?
We're getting criticized for not answering this one yet? What ever happened to scientific research and dedication to getting it right? Seems to us perfectly reasonable to wait until Thursday and see if Cousin Luther moves back in to the double-wide with that beautician strumpet of his, and then we'll fill out yer damn form.

2. Were there any additional people staying here April 1, 2010 that you did not include in Question 1?
Gee, thanks for the trust in our mental faculties, Uncle Sam. Question 1: How many people live here. Question 2: How many other people live here? Oh, we didn't think that "people" meant "other people," sorry. We're still waiting for April 1 to answer this one, though. Luther just called to "catch up a bit," and that's never a good sign.

3. Is this house, apartment or mobile home....
This says to mark just one of the following options:
1. Owned by you or someone in this household with a mortgage or loan?
2. Owned by you or someone in this household free and clear?
3. Rented?
4. Occupied without payment of rent?
Now, seems to us our mobile home could be both "rented," or any one of the first three, and also "Occupied without payment of rent." We refer, in the latter case, to Luther, who -- it looks like -- will damn well be occupying without paying any dadgum rent. Again.

4. What is your telephone number?
Look, we already regret giving it to Luther. We ain't about to hand it over to you.

5. [This question tells you to write the name of anyone in the house, to be called "Person 1."]

6. What is Person 1's sex?
We fully intended to answer this, but then you had to go and add "Mark ONE box," referring to male or female. We felt insulted, frankly, so we're going to sulk awhile before answering.

7. What is Person 1's age and Person's 1 date of birth? Please report babies as 0 when the child is less than 1 year old.
Zero? You calling my kid a zero? Plus, here in Texas we count age from the moment of conception, and your guidelines don't make it clear whether you do, too. Until that little matter is cleared up, no answer. Next.

8. Is Person 1 of Hispanic, Latino or Spanish origin?
Easy. HELL NO. Unless you count Luther's latest rugrat, and we're not saying it couldn't be "half" one of those things.

9. What is Person 1's race? Mark one or more boxes.
 We'll mark "White." Then we'd mark "And damn proud of it," if you liberal wussies offered that option.

10. Does Person 1 sometimes live or stay anywhere else?
No. Person 1 is a depressed, agoraphobic shut-in who NEVER has stayed "anywhere else." Not even "sometimes." We do give you points, though, for offering "in jail or prison" as one of the options.

Luther appreciates it.

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