Will Shave for Sex

Gibson.com
So, Houston ladies, you're saying this ain't sexy?

H-town has been making all kindsa' lists lately. And now it seems that damn, we're smoove.

Proving that in America, anyone can start an organization about anything, we have word from the National Organization of Social Crusaders Repulsed by Unshaven Faces — NoScruf, see what they did there? — that H-town is smoothest town in the U.S.A. (What, they couldn't make an "Unshaved States of America" riff, too?). You're not going to believe this, but the NoScruf group claims to be "supported by" Gillette.

According to what is clearly a very scientific survey conducted earlier this year, the typical Houston dude shaves an average of 4.81 times a week, more frequently than guys in any other city surveyed. The report also drops this whopper:

"In addition, Houston guys were the happiest with the amount of sex that they are currently experiencing. Could there be a connection between being clean-shaven and sexually satisfied?"

Gee, could there be? Could this guy be getting laid more often than this guy? Shocking!

So how smooth is the rest of the nation? The results: SMOOTHEST 1. Houston - 4.81 times/week 2. Indianapolis - 4.68 times/week 3. Fort Worth - 4.65 times/week 4. St. Paul - 4.64 times/week 5. Portland - 4.52 times/week

SCRUFFIEST 1. Baltimore - 3.65 times/week 2. St. Louis - 3.95 times/week 3. Seattle/Tacoma - 4.02 times/week 4. New York - 4.04 times/week 5. Washington, D.C. - 4.12 times/week

The NoScruf report offers up some "By the Numbers" items, too. Consider:

  • The amount of hair that Houston guys shave from their faces each year weighs approximately 36.5 tons, equivalent to seven African elephants or 216 Sumo wrestlers.
  • In an average lifespan, a clean-shaven man will trim off 7.7lbs of hair from his face — which is equivalent to the approximate weight of an average baby born in the U.S.
  • Roughly 65,340 miles of beard hair is grown every year in the U.S. — enough to circle the Earth over two times.
  • The longest beard ever grown was 17.5 feet — about the length of a Hummer H2.
    1. Funny, we thought she was the longest beard ever. Whatev.

      So there you have it. Congrats, H-town dudes, on your excellent grooming and, apparently, your excellent sex life. As a bearded man, I can actually boast more action since growing my facial hair.

      Of course, I have a very specific fan base. — Steven Devadanam


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