Will Shave for Sex
H-town has been making all kindsa' lists lately. And now it seems that damn, we're smoove.
Proving that in America, anyone can start an organization about anything, we have word from the National Organization of Social Crusaders Repulsed by Unshaven Faces — NoScruf, see what they did there? — that H-town is smoothest town in the U.S.A. (What, they couldn't make an "Unshaved States of America" riff, too?). You're not going to believe this, but the NoScruf group claims to be "supported by" Gillette.
According to what is clearly a very scientific survey conducted earlier this year, the typical Houston dude shaves an average of 4.81 times a week, more frequently than guys in any other city surveyed. The report also drops this whopper:
"In addition, Houston guys were the happiest with the amount of sex that they are currently experiencing. Could there be a connection between being clean-shaven and sexually satisfied?"
So how smooth is the rest of the nation? The results: SMOOTHEST 1. Houston - 4.81 times/week 2. Indianapolis - 4.68 times/week 3. Fort Worth - 4.65 times/week 4. St. Paul - 4.64 times/week 5. Portland - 4.52 times/week
SCRUFFIEST 1. Baltimore - 3.65 times/week 2. St. Louis - 3.95 times/week 3. Seattle/Tacoma - 4.02 times/week 4. New York - 4.04 times/week 5. Washington, D.C. - 4.12 times/week
The NoScruf report offers up some "By the Numbers" items, too. Consider:
Funny, we thought she was the longest beard ever. Whatev.
So there you have it. Congrats, H-town dudes, on your excellent grooming and, apparently, your excellent sex life. As a bearded man, I can actually boast more action since growing my facial hair.