Will You Turn into a Hoarder? See What the Stars Have to Say: Astrology Signs, Ranked for Hoardiness
Will you turn into a hoarder? Let's see what astrology says, courtesy of our favorite local astrologer, Figgy Jones. Here's what she told us:
On June 11, the big ol' jolly planet of abundance and goodies, Jupiter, moves into the sign of Gemini -- the most garrulous sign. Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet that represents how we think/learn/communicate. And most Geminis communicate before they've had a chance to learn or even think.
Nonetheless, Geminis require lots of information, and sometimes that leads to creating their own reference libraries. Gemini is the sign of the twins; some of that sign own at least two of whatever they like.
So for the next year, our Gemini friends might have to steel themselves to keep from starring in the next episode of A&E's grotesque reality show Hoarders.
What's your hoarding style? Whatever astrological energy you possess a lot of might tell the tale:
12. ARIES "If I want it, no one will keep me from having it."
Not even banks and high APRs. Seen elbowing other shoppers in bargain basements and exhibiting no small amount of road rage to be first in line to get to estate sales. Head and shoulders above other contestants in a scavenger hunt.
11. TAURUS "You mess with my stuff, and I'll go all Scorpionic on your arse."
Massive wine cellars. Taurus dogs collect their bones -- they don't bury them -- and toys. We've seen one proud pooch lay all his goodies in his bed; then he will transfer them from room to room. (Pictures available upon request.) And when the stuffing comes out of the toys, that stuffing is a prized possession as well.
Cancer people can take to hoarding
10. GEMINI Of course there is a huge library, whether in the hard drive or hard cardboard boxes strewn all over the place. (The amount of order here depends upon the amount of Virgo.) Will be the last person on this Earth still buying hanging file folders
The sign of the twins shares its hoard with others: "I saved an article on windsurfing for you, because of that time in 1986 you talked about how you loved surfing in the 1960s and because you enjoy windy days." Saves articles (albeit pertinent) for someone long after the would-be recipient has died.
9. CANCER "My stuff IS my home and family. And it's a family that will always be there for me (and I can control it!!)."
Maintaining good relations with neighbors is crucial, if only to have someone nearby to help shovel a rescue path through the house. This sign accounts for a proportionately high percentage rate of hoarders, we suspect.
8. LEO "That is MINE. But I may will it to you if you adore me for the decades before I depart this mortal coil!"
Not everyone values the leonine lair as much as Leo him/herself -- but don't try and set them straight unless you want to get roared at. Generous beyond a fault, especially if: a) They don't want something anymore, and b) It makes them look good to donate. (A public announcement or maybe even a nameplate crediting them on a prominent park bench sweetens the deal.)
7. VIRGO "I'm saving these empty orange juice cans because someday, I will volunteer with a scout troop and teach them how to make telephones. Ooops, better start saving string, too."
The MacGyvers of the Zodiac -- or is it MacGruber?
6. LIBRA "These chocolates were on sale. And you never know how many I'll need to give them to next Valentine's Day." (Said February 15 every year.) Hoards lovers, often simultaneously. And the memorabilia! "This is an old lei from when Mark and I went to Waikiki. I still have my bikini from that trip; of course my stretch marks would show in it...did I tell you about my beau who would bring me a stuffed bear every week? They're all in the den; let's go visit them!" 5. SCORPIO "This is my stuff, and I'll get rid of it in good time...IF they can pry it out of my cold, dead claws." Allow themselves to feel through their possessions, which, if the hoarder has not learned the lesson of this sign's ruler, can evoke a really nasty and sometimes life-threatening hoard. The hoard can be of such impact that others can be affected (items that are rotten, rusted, outdated, broken, incomplete, toxic or for some reason might be deemed unusable by the non-hoarding masse).
CAVEAT: If hoarding is indeed a subset of OCD, which compels its sufferers to overly control their circumstances, heaven help the anonymous caller who tips off authorities about the health hazard created by a Scorpionic hoard!
4. SAGITTARIUS "What do you mean, how did I pay for all this? What are credit cards for, anyway?"
If the hoarder's belief system is tied up in stuff = self-worth, this hoard can be a lot pricier (or, at minimum, BIGGER) than that of other signs.
3. CAPRICORN Hellllooo? It's the sign of the goat. They LOVE junk. This sign, more than any, represents the survivors of the Great Depression. Has a Fibber McGee closet filled with used paper towel rolls, because one never knows when one will need to use them for making a grand announcement: "Introducing the Duke and Duchess of Windsor!"
But usually, their hoard is for some practical use: Constantly heard asking others, "You're not just going to throw away that used drinking straw, are you? If I save enough of them, I can make them into a specialized floor mat that will keep a Prius from accelerating unintentionally." These goats are notorious recyclers, even if the recyclables are not, according to any other recycler on Earth, worth recycling.
2. AQUARIUS "Here's a plastic model of the armillary used by Mongolian astrologers as they pillaged through Europe. Here's a Xerox of a chart allegedly handwritten by Evangeline Adams when she was in grade school."
Often find it easier to connect to stuff, particularly information and other data, than to other people. If there's a pseudo-intellectual reason for the hoard, all the better to justify it.
1. PISCES "One man's trash is another's treasure...and I treasure your trash!"
The best part about rifling through a Piscean hoard is the occasional bottle of recreational pills. The worst part is the rotted food that has been completely forgotten about for years. It is then that we may learn that supermarket bakery icing stays "edible" forever.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.