Who is Jim Pruett? Well, he may just be the man who saves your life! The former radio host and current owner of Jim Pruett's Guns and Ammo has put out a new radio ad warning the good people of Houston to be ready for a war with "Katricians" — ruffian hurricane evacuees. Much like the difference between good colored people and their n-word counterparts, Pruett recognizes the difference between law-abiding evacuees and those shiftless Katricians.
We called him up to get more 411 on how to spot one of these hooligans. Here are some excerpts from the interview:
Houston Press: How do you tell a Katrician from a —
Jim Pruett: --a good guy? That's when they've got a knife to your throat and they're going to kill you for your $2.50.
HP: OK...do you have to handle them differently if they're a Katrician as opposed to a Houstonian?
JP: Absolutely not.
HP: Is there a silver bullet, say, for the Katrician?
JP: No, no.
HP: Can you recognize them physically walking down the street, or is it like pod people where they actually just look totally human?
JP: They look just like anybody else....I'm just saying, no matter what the threat...you need to have that concealed handgun license so you can protect your way of life.
HP: Shouldn't we just all buy guns, then, to protect ourselves from Katricians or maybe an uppity Floridian?
(From there, we talked about how handgun buyers must pass rigorous background checks, which rules out those goddamn Katricians. But I posited a theory whereby one of those bastards could get their mitts on a heater and wreak all kinds of havoc. I also tried to get into what I call my final solution for the Katrician problem.)
HP: What if a good evacuee buys a gun...and then the next day, they get in a bad mood and they turn into a Katrician? So now you have a Katrician with a concealed weapon. How do you defend yourself against that?
JP: [silence] If they turn bad?
JP: Well, I have a gun. Is that what you're asking? How would I defend myself against them?
HP: I'm suggesting a situation where a Katrician can have a concealed weapon.
JP: They can't...That's a big, strange if....Are you an anti-gunner?
HP: No, I have no opinion either way.
JP: Do you have a concealed handgun license permit? You don't feel threatened in this modern day of crime and what have you?
HP: Well, I feel a little more threatened now that you put this idea of crazy Katricians running around.
JP: There are crazy all-kinds-of-people running around.
HP: Sounds like zombies to me, frankly.
JP: You need to call the Houston Police Department and get the stats on all of the crime done by —
HP: Do you think there's a way that maybe if we got them to wear a scarlet 'K' or something, or some sort of number, that we could better identify them?
JP: I don't...
HP: What if they think I'm a Katrician, though — there's some...sort of, like, Three's Company mix-up, and they think I'm a Katrician. How do I prove that I'm a Houstonian — be like, 'Hey, hey, I'm one of you! Don't shoot!'"
JP: What are you, in some kind of dream world or something? I think...people need to wear a big red dot to identify them as being an employee of the Houston Press. That's my first thought, talking to you.
HP: We're thinking about implementing that so we aren't confused as Katricians. Or as working for the Chronicle.
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JP: I'm saying that if your life is threatened, whether it's by Katricians or anybody else, you should get your concealed handgun license to protect yourself.
HP: OK. But it's just that that's not what you said in the ad....You didn't say 'protect yourself from any criminal element.'"
JP: Well, I'm saying that now....You don't have to be an intellectual to figure out what I'm saying.
Amen. — Craig Malisow