Worst Hanukkah Ever: Gifts From Anti-Semitic Hate Websites
If you spent Black Friday fighting for Hanukkah gifts for your Jewish friends, chances are you completely forgot about the people who feel especially left out during the Festival of Lights: anti-Semites
While Jews everywhere spin the dreidel and light the menorah, neo-Nazis and white supremacists will be left out in the cold. Sure, they can always chant hateful slogans outside a synagogue, but even that gets old after a while. So Hair Balls combed countless hate-sites to find the best tsotchkes for that special Aryan in your life. Now you can help make it a very special HanuKKKa celebration!
Tightrope.cc -- where "It's not illegal to be white...yet!" -- has a bevy of inexpensive options that should put a smile on the face of most every Jew-hater out there. Perhaps our favorite is the 20-pack of stickers featuring Jesus Christ flipping the bird while flanked by the words "Fuck Jews." (We're not sure, but we think J.C. said that somewhere in Corinthians). Of course, you can never go wrong with an "I Hate Jews" tank-top (100 percent cotton). If you have any problems placing your order, be sure to contact Tightrope Records founder Byron Calvert of Melbourne, Arkansas, at firstname.lastname@example.org or 870.368.7990.
Being alone during the holiday can be especially depressing, and anti-Semites are no exception. Everyone needs a partner in life -- someone to talk grossly exaggerated "Holocaust" numbers with; a special white guy or girl you can wear matching "I Hate Jews" tanktops with.
Rice Owls Mens Basketball vs. St. Thomas University Men's Basketball
TicketsWed., Dec. 21, 7:00pm
Advocare V100 Texas Bowl
TicketsWed., Dec. 28, 8:00pm
Rice Owls Mens Basketball vs. Middle Tennessee State Univ Blue Raiders Mens Basketball
TicketsThu., Jan. 5, 7:00pm
PRCA XTreme Bulls
TicketsFri., Jan. 6, 7:30pm
Unfortunately, there are virtually no whites-only dating sites out there, but why not set up a profile for your racist buddy on Stormfront.org's dating forum, where your single, hateful bud can "meet other White Nationalists for romance or friendship." (Just remember, don't post any pics with nudity, because "this is a family site." Oh, and "no photos with non-whites" either.)
Your single gal pal can meet guys like Legionario88, whose hatred of mongrel races can't keep him from looking pensive; or you can hook a dude up with a gal like the rifle-totin' WarMaiden (below), who looks like she'd a good person to have on hand when the Elders of Zion come bursting through your door.
is virtually a one-stop-shopping affair for all your white pride gift-giving needs. We really like the "Nazi Soap," embossed with an iron eagle symbol. It's "highly moisturizing, creamy white, with a calming scent," which is just how we imagine most Aryans smell. (And don't worry; the site states that "No Jews were hurt during the creation of this soap!"). Or what about anadorable SS onesie
for the li'l one? And remember, purchases of $75 or more will get you a sweet "Achtung Panzer" car decal, so your friend can spew hatred even while stuck in traffic.
For something different, why not make a donation to Jewwatch.com in your friend's name? After all, Jews don't watch themselves, right? And someone needs to keep an eye on 'em, don't they, what with "6 Jewish companies" owning "96 percent of the world's media"? That someone is site founder/head Jew-watcher James Stenzel of Ferguson, Missouri, who is eagerly awaiting your non-tax-deductible gift. Or if you just want to talk about the "Treblinka Death Camp Hoax" or Zionist Occupied Governments, give him a ring at 314.524.2157.
Whether you give a little gift on each of the eight days, or make it one big gift, we hope these suggestions will help you put an extra spring in your pal's goose-step. Shalom!
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.