XXXL Bandit Strikes Again, Earns FBI Respek
Earlier we brought you a tale of the biking brigands, two unrelated Huffy-rolling heisters breaking banks in far-flung suburbs around Greater Houston.
Today we bring you the further adventures of their portly polar opposite: the one they call the "XXXL Bandit."
As with the other two robberies, this hunka hunka burnin' larceny waddled into a Clear Lake-area supermarket, approached the bank within, more or less pleasantly told the teller he'd be making an unauthorized withdrawal (or handed over a demand note), and just walked on out the door, Perry Farrell style. That is, if lil' Perry was packing another 100 pounds.
No getaway vehicle has been spotted in any of these robberies; nor has any weapon. The dude just comes and gets that money, waddles off into the blazing sun, and vanishes like a damn ghost, or maybe just blends in with all the other chunksters in this fattest of fat cities.
In their press releases, the FBI once mocked this rotund reprobate. In their account of his first robbery, they cited his "pear-shaped frame", and said he was "dirty and sweated heavily," and that his brown beard and mustache were "unkempt."
Next time around, all they had to say was that he was "overweight with an unkempt appearance." (Everybody looks unkempt to the FBI; those people starch their gym socks.)
But now that the Fat Man has struck again, the Feds are withholding their value judgments. Although they do say his large stature is "unique," and estimate his height and weight at about 5'10" and three bills, there's none of this smirking "pear-shaped body" crap this time around. They even said he was clean-shaven, not unkempt. Big Man got him some respec', yo.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.