Guess what? You can't take a pill with something called "glyconutrients" and cure Down Syndrome or cystic fibrosis.
But if you're a Texan who thought you could, you can at least get your money back.
Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott announced a settlement today against Mannatech, a company that offers a wide range of "wellness" products, emphasis on the quote marks around "wellness."
The settlement calls for Mannatech to pay a $1 million civil penalty and to reimburse $4 million to Texas customers.
"These deceptive practices posed a health risk to seriously ill consumers who may forgo traditional medical attention because of the company's false claims," Abbott said.
An AG spokesman tells Hair Balls that the company will mail out notices to any Texas customers in its database informing them of the refund.
But what of people who bought the stuff in stores? (In the Stupid Store, to be sure.)
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He didn't know if the products were only sold online, or what the procedure might be if stores were involved.
But, if you believed what the "marketing materials [that] falsely claimed that Mannatech's dietary supplements could cure and treat Down Syndrome, cystic fibrosis, cancer and other serious illnesses," and you purchased the supplements online between September 2002 and August 2007, you're in luck. (Well, other than having a serious disease.)
Update: AG spokesman Dirk Fillpot adds: "Regarding the questions you had on Mannatech, I do not have a definitive number of potential customers, but we encourage people who believe they are entitled to restitution to watch for the application form on the company's web site and apply for it.
"Mannatech's products could be purchased through their web site, but were largely sold by sales associates, who sold products through meetings, their web sites, etc."