Zapruder Analysis of a Drunk Chick Wearing Just a Shaq Jersey
Second drinker? No grassy knoll for this girl.
Today is the 50th anniversary of one of the most famous dates in American history, the assassination of John F. Kennedy. The quintessential date where anyone alive at that time "remembers where they were," the nation was indelibly changed that day, and in an eerie way a star-crossed (at times, morbidly so) course was charted for one of America's First Families.
So on a day where networks are remembering that fateful Dallas afternoon, I think it's only appropriate that we do a Zarpuder-style analysis of a YouTube video (any YouTube video, really), since the original Zapruder film was of the Kennedy assassination.
Don't ever let it be said that I don't respect history.
Here is a video I came across last week (h/t The Big Lead), and I have been meaning to do a breakdown on it. No overt ties to the Kennedy family here, just good ol' fashioned Zapruder analysis!
0:00 -- (Brent Musberger intro) "You are looking live, at some random intersection at around 3:28 in the morning back on October 21, 2013..." So this is really early Monday morning. We shall keep that in mind as we try to discern the occupation of the perpetrator. (Hint: She probably is "working to pay for law school.")
0:40 -- We begin to get some chatter and conversation off camera, including the officer asking the driver in question, "Did the officer tell you why you got stopped?" to which the answer was apparently "Because I was driving crazy." Seriously.
0:55 -- Out struts the driver and it's a chick who appears to be a big Miami Heat fan, as substantiated by her Shaquille O'Neal jersey. She also appears to be very bad at dressing herself as substantiated by her having the jersey on backwards.
0:58 -- Officer: "Have you had any alcohol tonight?" Ms. Shaq: "Just one shot." Let the record reflect she also appears to be a liar.
1:11 -- Officer: "Is there any reason why you don't have any clothes on?" Ms. Shaq: "I was at work." Let's see, 4 in the morning, wasted, driving home from work in a bra and panties....hmmmmmm.
1:25 -- Officer walks off the screen, and Ms. Shaq delicately sways back and forth, perhaps with whatever Def Leppard song was playing during her last few lap dances still ringing in her head.
1:37 -- Officer: "Do you have underwear on?" Ms. Shaw: "Yes." Crap, there goes my parlay...
1:45 -- Officer asks Ms. Shaq to step away from the car for some sobriety tests, and naturally she fixes her hair. It's time for the Sobriety Olympics!
2:45 -- After taking the "follow the light with just your eyes" test, which I'm assuming she failed miserably, Ms. Shaq is ready for the next "feat of sobriety." The officer asks her if she has any problems with her ankle or feet that would prevent her from balancing on one leg, to which Ms. Shaq replies "Scoliosis." Really hoping that next he asks her if she has any knee issues so she can reply with "Migraines."
3:02 -- It takes three requests from the officer to get her to turn and face the car, which I'm sure can be blamed on scoliosis.
3:05 -- O'NEAL across the front of her chest, shirt on backwards confirmed.
3:45 -- Detailed instructions from the officer that may as well have been recited in Russian, especially because it involves Ms. Shaq having to count to 30, which is probably a challenge when she's sober, let alone hammered.
4:12 -- Her left foot leaves the ground and she immediately starts to wobble like one of those inflatable punching toys with the round bottom, only it's being punched by a barely existent breeze.
4:28 -- Six seconds in (well, six seconds by her count, which is around 32 seconds in real life) and she has to put her foot back down. The officer reminds her to look at her foot as she balances, so instead she stares at her foot while it's still on the ground.
4:43 -- Makes it to "ten one thousand" with four more failures to keep her feet up. Most decathletes have certain events they're less proficient at than others. Let's hope this is hers.
4:45 -- By the way, while Shaq wasn't the most graceful big man in the history of the NBA, she is completely sullying the rep of his jersey right about now. Someone get this girl a Gheorghe Muresan jersey, please!
4:50 -- Okay, it's time for walk the line "heel to toe" style, and she actually does really well walking toward the car. Adequate flip turn and she's cruising back the other way. Ms. Shaq seems to have found a sobriety test event that she is comfortable with. (Of course, there's a good chance this is not her first career sobriety test.) She is giving hope to scoliosis sufferers everywhere!
6:30 -- Okay, now it's time for "finger to nose," an underrated sobriety test event in terms of difficulty, especially for Ms. Shaq coming off a stellar performance at "heel to toe." Overconfidence (along with scoliosis) could be an issue here. Let's see how she does...
6:55 -- Officer asks Ms. Shaq to tip her head up slightly and she jerks her head straight toward the sky like Andy Dufresne letting the rain cascade onto his face in the bayou after he escaped from Shawshank.
7:00 -- The test begins and it's really too bad the test isn't "finger to area right below the nose" because Ms. Shaq would be scoring so well that she would be on track to have the first ever negative blood alcohol content number of all time.
7:15 -- It's worth noting that if Ms. Shaq only had one shot, it was probably in the shape (and size) of an entire bottle of Jack Daniel's.
7:33 -- Officer asks Ms. Shaq to put her hands behind her back, and she proudly passes that test with flying colors. Unfortunately....
7:40 -- .....NOOOOOO! Sooooo close....damn you, scoliosis.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- Texans-Saints: Four Things To Watch For
- 5 New Laws That Go Into Effect Next Week
- Finally — Documented Proof of the Homosexual Agenda!