Zapruder Analysis of a Fat, Drunk Chicago Bears Fan Smacking Into a Pole
That's gonna leave a mark.
Alcohol, like many mind-altering substances, has a tendency to take whatever your primary personality traits are and augment them. (I hesitate to say "enhance" them, because if your primary personality trait is "being an asshole," then being a bigger asshole can hardly be seen as an "enhancement.")
If you're a mellow person sober, drinking probably makes you more mellow. If you're a happy person sober, drinking will probably make you even happier! (I know for me it does!)
And if you're hyper-competitive, then almost certainly a few pops will ratchet up your competitive side. Hell, the people at Golden Tee have built a cottage industry preying on the hyper-competitiveness of drunk video golfers in bars.
Hyper-competitive is fine. Drunk hyper-competitive is fine, too. But when booze and a lust for victory cross over into actual physical challenges, especially between people who are woefully out of shape, well, that, friends, is magic.
To that end, I bring you the latest chapter in the Zapruder Analysis box set...
Meet these two random fat Chicago Bears fans!
They are clearly drunk and clearly competitive, but unfortunately instead of burning off some of that steam in a friendly game of Pac-Man or darts or beer pong, they decided they needed to prove which of their two fat asses is faster in a 50-yard dash (and I guess settle the argument once and for all as to who the 413,457,891st fastest person in the world is).
This didn't end well. Let's take a look, followed by Zapruder action....
0:00 -- Assuming that the "publish" date on this video lines up closely with the actual date of filming (November 25, 2013) and assuming this isn't a video that some Chicagoan has been sitting on for a few months before releasing, there is no way this video was taken in Chicago any time recently. I was in Chicago this past weekend, and it was so cold that the snot was freezing on my face as I walked down the street.
But the video doesn't need to be shot in Chicago for us to laugh at heavy people wearing Bears gear. That is a geography-agnostic pastime! Fat people from Chicago are always funny, and these two do not disappoint.
0:01 -- Our two athletes are as follows:
LANE 1: FAKE WALTER PAYTON: The late Walter Payton is a Chicago legend and a Windy City Mount Rushmore fixture, to be sure. The greatest running back to ever play the game, "Sweetness" played with a combination of grace and power we have not seen since he retired. Keep that mind as you watch this hippo clomp down the sidewalk.
LANE 2: FAT VIN DIESEL: Definitely the more athletic-looking of the two, but that's like calling Ozzie the smarter of the two Canseco brothers. FVD is installed by Vegas as a solid -300 favorite.
YELLOW TEE STARTER: This guy is the starter for the race and may very well be one of the tempting voices who goaded these two idiots into this little stunt.
0:02 -- "READY...."
0:03 -- "SET...."
0:03.5 -- ...both guys take off...
0:04 -- "GO!!!" (I guess both guys' cheating kind of cancels each other out.)
0:04.1 -- (Read this paragraph in the same voice as a race track announcer would at a horse track) "And they're off! The ground shakes and the earth moves as these two corpulent behemoths rumble down the track...it's Fat Vin Diesel out to a fast start. He uses the lead for leverage, leans in and facilitates a quick lane change to cut off Fake Walter Payton. Fake Walter Payton begins to lose his footing and stumbles in behind as Fat Vin Diesel takes the lead....meanwhile, Fake Walter Payton....oh God....oh...."
0:07 -- "...NO!!!!" SPLAT!!!!
0:08 -- While Fake Walter Payton may have lacerated his spleen, splintered his rib cage and crash-landed so hard his kids will be born cross-eyed, easily the most tragic result from this huge comedic error is the barrage of "hideous Midwest accent" that we get from the women off camera. It's honestly the one accent that cannot be "made sexy" by any means. Most accents can be morphed into a turn-on through whispering or speaking in sultry tones. When women with this accent try and do that, I always feel like they're fantasizing about devouring a wheel of cheese.
0:10 -- (hideous Midwest accent) "Whaaat are yoooo guys DOOOOOING?"
0:14 -- "Whoooooo is THEEEYAT?!?"
0:18 -- As Fake Walter Payton peels himself off the concrete in the background, in the front left part of the scene, a few of the spectators share a mob-style hug, including Yellow Tee Starter. It looks almost like a hug that a heel faction in WWE would share after double-crossing a baby-faced wrestler. This all leads me to believe these guys promised each other when they went out this night that they would goad a couple of Chicago Bear-rooting mouth breathers into some sort of "feat of strength." Fake Walter Payton's splitting himself in two on a lamppost was gravy.
0:22 -- Any concern the Midwest Accent Mafia may have had upon impact has given way to open ridicule. "HA HA HA HA, heeee just CLOOOOTHES LINED HIMSEEEELF!!!"
I don't know what ended up happening to this poor sap, but I think we can all agree on one thing:
Worst. Walter. Payton. Tribute. Ever.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
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