Zapruder Analysis of a Huge Chick Fight in the Upper Deck of the Rockets Game
It's a huge buzzword in this day and age. With some many different ways to market yourself, build an audience, be memorable, branding is key to growth. Good branding is the difference between incremental growth and exponential growth.
I blog at least once, sometimes as many as three times a day here on HoustonPress.com. How do I know I've become inextricably linked to a gimmick or theme?
My girlfriend Amy sent me the YouTube that I'm about to break down and said, "You should really Zapruder this." So if any of you postgraduate marketing professors are looking for a case study in branding, my email is at the bottom of this post.
Oh, and here's the video that Amy sent to me, courtesy of the 400 level of Toyota Center for Blazers-Rockets Game 2:
Pretty solid fight, with a nice high spot at 0:33. Vince McMahon would be proud. Let's Zapruder this thing....
0:01 -- All right, it's tough to distinguish sides in all of this, but we will do our best. It appears to go like this:
* In the front row of the upper deck (Danger rating A+++), we have a woman in Daisy Dukes and a James Harden jersey (with presumably the worst teeth in the world to pay homage to both the Dukes and Harden) in a tussle with some chick sitting down in her seat. A couple of other folks are getting grabby from the stairway.
* A second amply torsoed gal sitting in the second row is being yanked by her hair, as if her skull is carrying a bowling ball, by someone wearing a Dwight Howard jersey. Also, one other chick in a red T-shirt two steps up is being held back by some dude.
* Someone in a Jeremy Lin throwback (to a time when Lin wasn't even on the team!) is sitting on some dude's lap, and they look terrified. Also, some old guy in the complementary red T-shirt is sitting and for most of the video acting like nothing is going on, as if making eye contact means he's gonna get his ass kicked.
0:18 -- The first 18 seconds or so is largely rest holds with the occasional left-handed jab thrown by Daisy Duke Harden, kind of like when two UFC fighters are totally gassed and molesting each other on the mat. It would be kind of hot if they were all swimsuit models. But they are not, and therefore, we need some punches here soon or the audience is going to begin chanting "BOOOORRRRING.....BOOOOORRRING..." (By the way, how awesome would catcalls at fan fights be? "YOU F**KED UP!!" and some Daniel Bryan YES! cheers...)
0:24 -- A second Daisy Duke Harden steps over the seats in the first row like Andre the Giant stepping over the top rope, and I realize that she would be much cooler if she were wearing a James Harden one-shoulder-strap singlet like Andre in Wrestlemania III.
0:25 -- Wow, now that I examine more closely, there's ANOTHER Daisy Duke Harden standing watching in Row 2! This is like when multiple Doink the Clowns started showing up in WWE back in 1993. Exact. Same. Thing.
0:27 -- Yowza, Daisy Duke #2 is a mean bitch. She grabs the leg of the person in the seat and tries to yank it off of her torso, the same way you pull a drumstick off of a rotisserie chicken. This is getting good! Good like rotisserie chicken!
0:30 -- If you listen carefully, you can hear Daisy Duke #2 growling, "Maaake a wiiisssshhh....."
0:31 -- Okay, now the leg is pushed so far back that it's getting either really kinky or really weird, depending on how you feel about heavyset women in cutoffs and James Harden jerseys. But wait....what's happening....I hear footsteps....wait, NO....
0:32 -- ....NO.....NO.....
0:33 -- GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY...GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY....THEY KILLED HER......GOD AS MY WITNESS, SHE IS BROKEN IN HALF!!!!
0:34 -- A kick square to the face, and no Zapruder wisecracking here; that could have ended really badly, seeing as, y'know, the drop from 400 level at Toyota Center is about 100 feet. Seriously, that this is all going on in the front row should scare the shit out of anyone sitting right beneath the crest of the upper balcony.
0:39 -- Honestly, the kick was pretty damn impressive, even if it was a cheap shot.
0:52 -- Security finally makes its way over to the fight, with the self-awareness and want-to of a government worker at the DMV, and we are left with a cliffhanger, with the multiple Daisy Duke Hardens still placing a beatdown on the poor woman sitting in her seat.
I'm going to assume this ended with each Daisy Duke Harden dismembering a limb from the victim and sitting calmly in her seat eating it like a drumstick as LaMarcus Aldridge lit up the Rockets throughout the second half.
Hopefully, there will be a rematch in Game 5. Hopefully, there will be a Game 5.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- Rational East Texas Man Urges Violence and Tells Cops to "Step the Hell Aside"...
- Texas Horse Racing Will Continue, At Least For Three More Months
- Court Calls Texas Churches Campaigning Against LGBT-Friendly Politicians "Paranoid"