Zapruder Analysis of Crybaby Bronco Fans on Osweiler's Good-bye Instagram Post
Breaking up is hard to do. We've all gone through it at one time or another, and rarely is it done to where there are no hard feelings on either side. The only time the feeling is ever truly mutual is when there is total, utter, "gouge out your eyeballs" hatred between both parties.
Yesterday, Brock Osweiler broke up with the city of Denver, and while there have been rumblings about Osweiler's exit from the city being rooted somewhat in minor ill will toward those running and coaching the franchise, it wouldn't appear that Osweiler feels anything but love toward the citizens of Denver and the orange- and blue-clad members of Bronco Nation.
On Instagram last night, he said as much...
Basically, a kind, thoughtful "Hey, Denver, it's not you, it's me...now if you'll excuse me, I got a team to go lead and $37 million guaranteed to go count." Okay, I added the last part about the money, but you get my drift. Osweiler isn't looking for a scuffle; he just wants to say good-bye to Denver and go home and figuratively eat his pizza.
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Well, football fans being football fans, and Broncos fans being the second cousins of St. Louis Cardinals fans, where their self-esteem is just a little too intertwined with their team's fortunes, they didn't take kindly to...well, pretty much everything that happened yesterday. (By the way, the Cardinals/Broncos-type fan litmus test — if a fan brags about how great "the organization" is and how they have "the smartest (whatever sport) fans," then he fits this category. Don't run from who you are, Broncos fan.)
Some comments were cordial. By my unscientific count, around 8.4 percent of them (give or take a few percent) could be categorized as "we thank you, too, Brock...much love!" with some sort of praying hand or smiley face emoji. The rest, at least among Broncos fans? Well, let's just say they don't like being told, "It's not you, it's me."
Here is a sampling of ten of my favorite Broncos fan comments. (You can see all several thousand right here. My comments below are preceded by "SP"):
hurricaneteddyco: @bosweiler17 quit wasting time on social media and at late night pizza joints. You have no internal clock and don't know how to throw a football. Can't wait to watch you cry in Denver next season.
SP: "You have no internal clock"...well, thank you for your analysis, Kiper. What do you think of Osweiler's footwork and his hips? No, please. Tell us. Your analysis is fascinating. Also, the irony in someone spending more than three seconds typing one of several thousand comments on a celebrity's Instagram post telling someone else to quit "wasting time on social media" is truly delicious.
james.kramer34: Brock ur making the wrong descision. The texans arent playoff bound. We can repeat a super bowl. You were respected on a gppd team. Then you had to break our hearts.
SP: This particular comment is more like a narration than it is an expression of emotion. I feel like there should be a "The end" as the finishing move.
dysentery_devin: Boooooooooooooo glad you left, denver fucking hates you now
SP: The comment is boring, but the dude's name...dysentery_devin. I don't even want to know how or why he coined that name.
beenweeb: Cock osweiler
SP: If you're gonna go with penis jokes, why not go all the way and go with "Cock Oswiener"? Fail.
checo.33: You don't want to be with the best organization in the NFL... Idiot!
SP: And for those of you that rolled my eyes at the St. Louis Cardinals comparison, I give you checo.33 — fans bragging on social media about how great the "organization" is. checo.33 has to be a joy to hang out with.
14_football_10_88: I'm unfollowing u
SP: "Announcing That I Am Unfollowing You" Guy is an underrated social media joy. Do you also RSVP for group chats on the Broncos website, 14_football_10_88?
croymather: @bosweiler17 You went to a crapy team for just 1 mil a year more. Retard. Unfollowing
SP: Instagram...where misspelling "crappy" in a post in which you call someone a "retard" eight words later happens...
mattthehew: I remember watching you start your first game @bosweiler17. I was so excited to see you play and looked forward to Sunday's that much more. I haven't purchased a QB jersey in years and was looking forward to grabbing an orange #17. I am still a big fan of you, but honestly your departure can't help but leave a sour taste in my mouth. This was supposed to be your season of taking over as the franchise QB in Denver and using all of the skills and talents that Elway and Manning gave you to make a very legitimate repeat championship run. Manning had some issues and was benched for a while and you took his place, which was great for you and really gave you a look at what it would be like in the driver's seat and without you, we wouldn't have won SB50. Then Manning became healthy and the team thought it was best to go forth with his experience in the playoffs. I can't imagine how it must have felt to have Manning take the starting job again but honestly things like that happen and when they do they fuel your fire. But not returning phone calls to coaches and players, being distant in negotiations and hell, not even showing up for Payton's retirement speech was just a childish move. You had the support from the players, the coaches and an overwhelming amount from Broncos country. This was supposed to be the season that you take over, but you couldn't have just been patient a little while longer? I was so very much looking forward to making the annual trip to Denver to watch a Broncos game to see you play, but I am very sad that you will not be in the orange and blue when I'm there. I wish you the best Brock, but I think that you made a life changing decision based off of your emotions at the time and I think it was a big mistake.
SP: Oh my God, dude. Just send a letter, start a blog, get a girlfriend. You realize you don't get paid to comment on people's Instagram, right?! There's gotta be a better use of your time. I've written feature stories that are shorter than your Osweiler lament.
turo_escorza: You ain't gonna get no wear in Houston I hope you have a terrible career just like the rest of that organizations past quarterbacks hahaha good luck can't wait to see vonn pop you to the ground
SP: "No wear." That is all.
drewcastelli28: Fuck off @bosweiler17 your a trader
SP: Congrats to drewcastelli28 for having the highest butchered-English-per-character ratio of any comment on this post.
I'm not joking when I say there are hundreds of more hilarious — well, hilarious if you're not an English teacher — comments, if you feel like reading them.
Season starts in 183 days...
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