Zapruder Analysis of Douchy Bro Driving Motorcycle Into Swimming Pool
This bro really loves his motorcycle.
"We're going to a party!"
Webster's defines the word "party" as a "social gathering of invited guests, typically involving eating, drinking, and entertainment." That sounds like fun, right? Like enjoyment is kind of baked into the "party" experience?
Hell, the definition of the verb form of the word "party" actually implies joy being part of the package -- "enjoy oneself at a party or other lively gathering, typically with drinking and music."
But just because a gathering is categorized literally as a "party" doesn't mean that it's necessarily pleasurable. Apparently, Webster was never invited to a northern California pool party douche-fest.
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. UCF Knights Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 29, 11:00am
Rice University Owls Football vs. Florida Atlantic University Owls Football
TicketsSat., Nov. 5, 2:30pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Tulane University Football
TicketsSat., Nov. 12, 11:00am
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Louisville Cardinals College Football
TicketsThu., Nov. 17, 7:00pm
Which brings us to the latest chapter in my ever-growing box set of Zapruder Analsyses....
For this one, we tip our cyber hat to our friends at The Big Lead, who had this video on their site over the weekend.
The self-appointed star of this video is some nobody, a shirtless bro who looks like the missing Wahlberg brother, and bro has no clue how to ride a motorcycle. Well, I say he's a "nobody"; who knows? In the underground world of motorbikes and tattoo art, this guy could be the LeBron of bike-riding shitheads (brought to you by Smirnoff Ice, bros icing bros!). I have no idea.
For now, let's roll tape here and then Zapruder this footage afterwards...
All right, there's a lot going on here. I'm going to do my best to eviscerate the star of this video while keeping close track of the ongoing douche-bag tabulation. (Let's count the douche bags!)
0:01 -- So here we have the star of this video, the lost Wahlberg brother. For our purposes here, we shall call him Cooper Wahlberg. Distinguishing Douche-taristics include 1) negative three percent body fat, 2) shirtless, 3) sagging cargo shorts with undies hanging out the back, 4) ball cap tipped back and to the right, 5) chainy bracelet on right wrist, poser watch on the left.
0:08 -- Oh yeah, AND he's sitting on a motorcycle burning rubber in the middle of a driveway, revving the engine, and clearly getting ready to do something that will have a very low POEE ("positive outcome to effort expended") Ratio.
0:09 -- Also...DING! Douche count at ONE. Cooper is our first douche.
0:16 -- Okay, here goes Cooper. It's "stand up on the bike" time. Keep in mind, at this point, we have yet to see the appearance of the terrain that Cooper is about to traverse. Clearly, he's heading off into an open field, or a dirt track with some jumps. Y'know, somewhere with room enough to where it makes sense to rev a bike up to drag racing speed and then let her rip! Right?....
0:16.5 -- ....um, or he's about to tear into a confined space of about fifteen feet of patio, leading into a swimming pool and a packed crowd of onlookers who all have two legs and a spine that could potentially be snapped in two by a dickhead who splatters them with a fully revved motorcycle.
0:17 -- Fortunately, karma steps in and not only does Cooper fail miserably getting out of the starting gates, but he also leans too far back, falls off the bike, and momentum takes care of the rest...
0:20 -- ...as the bike slides harmlessly (and hilariously) into the swimming pool.
0:20.5 -- DING! DING! DING! DING! Douches TWO through FIVE enter the picture -- two bros in the pool along with gray tank top, tatted up douche in flip flops and obese bro in the Stone Cold Steve Austin leather vest, who....
0:25 -- ...appropriately, shoves Cooper into the pool. Also, DING! Douche bag number SIX...shirtless dude near camera holding his head at what has just transpired.
0:26 -- Also, with this shot, we get two more solid things on which to opine -- first, parking a car next to the swimming pool, I'm assuming is straight out of the "Dickheads for Dummies 101" Manual. Second, and more importantly, let's pretend that Cooper was able to stay on the bike....um, where exactly was he going to go? The thing was revved up to 60 or 70 miles per hour, and there was a grand total of about 60 or 70 feet of pavement. Honestly, as weird as this sounds, I think the sublime YouTube moment of Cooper wiping out in the starting gates robbed us of an even greater YouTube moment. In other words, this whole thing had NO good potential outcome, hence my invention six paragraphs ago of the POEE ("positive outcome to effort expended") Ratio.
0:27 -- Ok, now look carefully in the background. You see that guy in the black t-shirt and shades standing in the far corner of the patio? (Also, DING! SEVEN douches.) He is standing next to a woman in a green dress who is sitting down in a chair...ready for this?....WITH A BABY ON HER LAP! Never mind the 9-1-1 call to CPS that should be made for allowing a baby within 100 yards of any of these assholes, but play it forward with Cooper's Wild Ride and imagine if he had the chops to stay on the bike...there's no doubt he winds up careening into the people in the chairs, which includes a BABY, at the far end of the pool, right? Do these people realize how close we came to seeing a baby get killed on YouTube? Seriously, what the fuck is your problem, Cooper??
0:27.5 -- Also, DING! EIGHT!, white t-shirt dude rolling film on his iPhone....
0:28 -- Ok, now the DOUCHE BAG TICKER is moving at the same rate of speed as the national debt ticker in Times Square... DING! NINE!, Coca Cola t-shirt guy...DING! TEN!, bro standing next to Coca Cola t-shirt guy... DING! ELEVEN!, black shorts, red stripe... DING! TWELVE!, gray shorts, red solo cup, picking his teeth.... DING! THIRTEEN!, beard and pony tail guy in hipster shades....
0:29 -- DING! (switching over to numbers, typing out the actual word for the number is taxing my metacarpals) 14!, black tank top, red ball cap, high fiving...DING! 15!, blue striped shirt, shades, backwards bro cap... DING! DING! 16! 17!, backwards gray cap dapping up black shirt and jeans guy....
0:30 -- DING! DING! 18! 19!, white shirt bro with shades around his neck, and tank top bro celebrating a perfectly good motorcycle dying in a swimming pool.
0:32 -- DING! DING! 20! 21!, red v-neck shirt with shades and San Francisco Giant tank top guy. (Yes, at some point, there is a grown man who walked into the Giants store, grabbed a Giants tank top and said "Oh man, YEAH, GOTTA HAVE THIS...").
0:35 -- Oh shit, Douche Bag #14 gets right up into the face of the cameraman to give us his seminal Vin Scully moment... "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...SERVIN' IT UP IN THE POOOOOL...." Thanks, man. Also, have fun with all that ink when you're like 55. Moron.
0:37 -- Allow me at this juncture to say that whoever is filming this is doing an unbelievable job. Wide angle, capturing reactions, if there were a viral video awards show at the end of the year (jots "viral video awards show" down on "GREAT IDEAS" note in Outlook), this would win Best Cinematography, hands down.
0:38 -- Also, I've counted roughly a half dozen other motorcycles in the background, parked next to the house or fence. I find that my enjoyment level of parties is inversely proportional to the number of motorcycles parked next to the swimming pool. Proven theorem.
0:55 -- Underrated -- all of these mouth breathers celebrating like Cooper Wahlberg actually accomplished something by tumbling off of a motorcycle that then slid into a swimming pool. Yes, amazing feat! You the man, Coop!
1:00 -- Seeing some of these jackasses in the pool makes me wish that the bike were a plugged in toaster that was tossed in the pool instead.
1:08 -- Ok, negative points for camera guy here, wasting time trying to film Blondie's iPhone replay to give us a second angle. This didn't work. He should have just filmed Blondie instead. Best intentions, I get it.
1:32 -- Oops, I don't think we counted the two idiots standing on the other side of the pool, so...DING! DING! 22! 23!, ultra-tatted dude in red backwards hat and skinny sidekick in black swim trunks.
1:35 -- We get what I believe is our first look at the dog of the house, and if you had "DOG OF THE HOUSE, PIT BULL -2000," go ahead and cash your ticket.
1:38 -- Out of the pool comes Cooper Wahlberg, and he is jogging slightly, which means (unfortunately) the crash didn't tear anything in his leg (or he's hammered and his leg will really be hurting in the morning.)
1:45 -- Naturally, the best way to chase this moment if you're Cooper is to hop on a miniature version of the Dick-cycle you just crashed into the pool, ride around on the min-version like an asshole, and then drive it into the pool to show everyone "See, that first time? I meant to do that!" So.....
1:51 -- ....yeah, he's having difficulty starting it, big surprise....
1:54 -- ....waiting....
1:56 -- ....waiting....
1:58 -- ....noticing "Ted" doll face down on the pavement, which would be awesome if "Ted" were real and that were him actually passed out...it would save this party for me, actually....ok, back to shit-for-brains trying to start his souped up lawn mower....
2:04 -- ....yaaawwwnnn......
2:06 -- ....God, you suck so bad, Cooper.....
2:20 -- ....ok, FINALLY. Now, as I was saying, the best way to chase this moment if you're Cooper is to hop on a miniature version of the Dick-cycle you just crashed into the pool, ride around on the mini version like an asshole, and then drive it into the pool to show everyone "See, that first time? I meant to do that!" So.....
2:24 -- ....yeah.
2:25 -- How nobody died in this video is a miracle.
2:32 -- Underrated -- the people at parties like this that ask the person next to them filming on their iPhone "Did you get that?" Um, hey Junior, if that guy didn't get it, I'm sure one of the fifty other people filming it "got it." Calm down.
2:40 -- Oh, no way. An actual DJ at this party. Ya don't say.
So let's take our final inventory of this party (these are unofficial estimates only) -- 23 douche bags, 14 skanks, 7 motorcycles (two submerged), 200 red solo cups, one pit bull, one car parked next to the pool, and one DJ.
Oh, that poor baby.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.