Zapruder Analysis of Justin Bieber's Deposition Video
They say the true gauge of what a person is really like is what they do when no one is watching.
Public Justin Bieber is a colossal douche bag, on this there can be no debate. And with television, social media, and the internet, the fact of the matter is Justin Bieber rarely has a moment that we never see. So if we are trying to concoct some sort of benefit of the doubt for ol' Biebs, what are we left with?
What footage or circumstance can we use as an alternative to the drag racing arrests and the ridiculous television and red carpet interviews to maybe see a different, less asshole-ish kid?
Well, how about deposition video? After all, that's done fairly privately and under the specter of "you must tell the truth."
Well, if deposition video is all we can come up with as alternative, I don't think the needle moves much on the Douche-o-meter with Bieber. Even in court ordered deposition, Bieber is still an asshole.
As you may know, there is an ongoing lawsuit right now from a photographer who claims one of Bieber's security goons roughed him up. Well, as part of the case, Bieber had his deposition with the photog's lawyer back on March 6.
Well, TMZ managed to get a hold of the footage and not only posted it online, but parsed out the best seven minutes or so. They even went as far as to divide the highlights into four categories -- Arrogant, Love Sick, Condescending, and Disrespectful.
In the spirit of March Madness, dare I say it's almost like having four regionals in a bracket style tournament to find Bieber's most dysfunctional moment! (By the way, how simultaneously great and infuriating would a 64 video bracket to decide Bieber's douchiest moment be?)
So let's go through the highlights TMZ has identified and see if we can find the truly worst of Bieber in each category, while also rating each video on a Douche Scale of 1 to 10, 1 being "Bieber disappears forever" and 10 being any time he is drag racing in a neighborhood with small children.
There are several in contention, all of which I will list in a second, but the winnerhas
to be the wink at the camera at the end, which I'm assuming has melted the heart of many a 14 year old girl over the last four years.
Honorable mention Bieber Douche moments: 0:13 -- Bieber swiveling in his chair telling the attorney: "I don't have to listen to anything you have to say." 0:25 -- Asked if he's been to Australia, Bieber: "I don't know if I've been to Australia....(asks his lawyer) Have I been to Australia?" 0:44 -- Bieber critiques an inquiry by the photog's attorney's about his bodyguard by squinting and condescendingly opining that it was a "weird question" and it "didn't make sense." 0:54 -- Bieber interrupting the photog's attorney's apology for interrupting him by mimicking him in a strongly dickface-ish fashion. 1:07 -- Bieber objecting to a question by literally saying "I object," like he's in court. Which he can't do. Which is awesome in its stupidity. 1:25 -- Photog's attorney asks Bieber to watch the "film" on the television and Bieber opposes him by taking offense to the footage being called a "film." Apparently, Bieber wants his footage called by the proper name, which I would concede as the photog's attorney as long as I was allowed to call Justin by his literal name "Dillhole" for the rest of the deposition. 1:50 -- "Guess what...guess what.... (smugly, smiling) I don't recall..."
BIEBER DOUCHE SCALE RATING (1 to 10): 9.93
LOVE SICK BIEBER
At the 0:42 mark, clearly rattled by a line of questioning about former flame Selena Gomez, Bieber shakes his head and disgustedly says "Don't ever ask me about her again."
Honorable mention Bieber Douche moments: Every subsequent time that Biebs wags his finger and admonishes the photog's attorney to NEVER mention Selena Gomez, roughly seven times in all. (See, this is where I'd be a terrible lawyer, because clearly we've found out what rattles Bieber, and I'd be just saying her name over and over and over in a totally mocking fashion.)
Bieber Douche Scale Rating (1 to 10): 9.77
The 0:25 mark, when the photog's attorney asks Bieber if there was something funny about his question, Bieber sarcastically quips "I dunno, Katie Couric, you tell me."
Honorable mention Bieber Douche moments: At the very end, when he compares it to a 60 Minutes interview. Clearly.
Bieber Douche Scale Rating (1 to 10): 9.95
"I was found on YouTube. I think that I was detrimental to my own career." Truer words have never mistakenly been spoken.
Honorable mention Bieber Douche moments: 0:07 -- Asked "Do you know Raymond Usher IV?" Bieber looks faux confused and says "No." (I guess technically Bieber was correct, since Usher's name is Usher Raymond IV, not Raymond Usher IV.) Attorney follows up with "Do you know Usher?" and Bieber (who was discovered by Usher) says "That sounds familiar." Ungrateful, thy name is Biebs.
Bieber Douche Scale Rating (1 to 10): 9.97
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.