Zapruder Analysis of New York Jets Fan Spewing a Fountain of F-bombs
"YOU SUCK, GENO!"
I'm not sure that Houston NFL fans who are parents of young children who want to bring their kids to a game know how good they have it here. Other than the Bullpen section of Reliant Stadium (which comes with an actual rowdiness warning on the ticket and in actuality is may as well be a section at Lakewood Church compared to, say, Oakland), the Reliant game day crowd is pretty amiable, all things considered.
We make fun of the J.J. Watt video before the game where he uses his "admonishing parent voice" and tells the fans all of the things they can't do at a game. You know the one I'm talking about, where Watt verbally outlines all of the Texans fan conduct policies:
No physical or verbal harassment of opposing fans....
No excessive alcohol use.... (This is where I BOO loudly.)
No foul or obscene language...
And yes, the video seems a little corny, especially if you've been to other NFL stadiums, like San Diego where portions of the parking lot are one big percolating gang fight or the aforementioned Oakland where weed smoking is seemingly encouraged in the 100 sections.
And then there's New York, where I think they actually offer "Cursing" as a second language elective for kids in junior high. French, Spanish, Latin, Cursing. (That's not true, but it would be awesome.)
To wit, this New York Jets fan on Sunday as the Jets were in the process of losing to the Dolphins 23-3, their third loss in a row (WARNING: NSFW language! Turn down the speakers if you're in a cubicle, NOW!):
Make no mistake, there is one star of this video and one star only, it's MINI MANGOLD, this Jets fan rocking the #74 Nick Mangold jersey who is none too happy with the performance of Jets rookie quarterback Geno Smith. The guy actually looks like he could be the younger, far more unhinged brother of WWE superstar Ryback.
By the way, it's a virtual lock that this dude is wearing the center's jersey because he sees himself as a blue collar, tough guy reflection of the lunch pail image embodied by offensive lineman like a Nick Mangold (and Mangold's sister, for that matter).
(NOTE: I suppose if you want to give a second imdb.com credit in this video, you can give it Geno Smith, who never actually is seen on camera, but is copiously referenced by the star of the show, kind of like The Gooch on Diff'rent Strokes or Jenny Piccolo on Happy Days until the tragic Joanie-and-Chachi-centric final couple seasons when they made Piccolo an on screen character. Ted McGinley, yo!)
Ok, let's Zapruder this thing and, at the very least, come up with some cursing saber metrics and figure out what this guy's "Asshole Efficiency Rating" might be. The 94 seconds of Mini Mangold starts NOW:
0:01 -- "F**K YOU!" DING! F-BOMB COUNT: 1.
0:02 -- "YOU SUCK, GENO! YOU SUCK!" DING! DING! SUCK COUNT: 1..2..
0:06 -- "ACL...ACL...ACL...BLOW IT! BLOW IT, GENO! BLOW IT!" DING! DING! DING! DEBILITATING INJURY WISH COUNT: 1...2...3...
And nothing says "class" quite like wishing an ACL injury on a professional athlete. I'm fairly certain if this guy lived in Houston, he would have been one of the thousands cheering during the St. Louis game when Matt Schaub got his leg rolled up and limped off the field. That is, if he made it past the first ten seconds of the game without getting kicked out by security. Continuing...
0:17 -- "F**K YOU...F**K YOOOUUUU....." DING! DING! F-BOMB COUNT: ...2...3...
Middle finger added for emphasis, because if Geno Smith can't hear you, Mini Mangold, he is damn sure going to see your middle finger from a couple hundred yards away in a crowded stadium.
0:29 -- "YOU F**KIN SUCK, GENOOOOO....." DING! F-BOMB COUNT: 4. DING! SUCK COUNT: 3.
0:35 -- "Guy's, what, a 24 QUARTERBACK RATING?! He hasn't thrown a F**KING TOUCHDOWN PASS IN TWO MONTHS!!" DING! F-BOMB COUNT: 5.
Bonus points to Mini Mangold for attempting to inject some actual analysis and evidence behind his contention that Geno Smith does indeed F**KING SUCK. Negative bonus points for accuracy, though, as Smith's quarterback rating is a still horrific (but not as horrific as a TWENTY FOUAH) 60.4 and his last touchdown pass was on October 20, six weeks ago, NOT two months. Step your analyst's game up, Mini Mangold!
By the way, how great would it be to have this guy on NFL Countdown as one of the five talking heads -- Berman, Ditka, Keyshawn, Cris Carter , and Mini Mangold:
BERMAN (looking at camera and making absurd hand gestures): The J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, fresh off their third loss in a row, head up to Buffalo to take on a woeful Bills outfit. Geno Smith has been playing a lot more like MAMA GENO than PAPA GENO these last six weeks, throwing exactly ZERO touchdowns passes. It won't be easy on Sunday because nobody circles the wagons like the BUFFALO BILLS...Coach, what would you do if you were Rex Ryan?
DITKA: Well, lemme tell you something, I coached with Rex's dad Buddy, and if there was one thing I'd tell Rex it's that if your quarterback is sucking BENCH HIM. You gotta BENCH THE KID...and then if the next guy SUCKS, you BENCH THAT GUY and bring the KID BACK IN, and you JUST GOTTA KEEP DOIN' SOMETHIN' TILL IT WORKS....
BERMAN: Key? You were a J-E-T JET JET JET...what say you?
KEYSHAWN: Well, I agree with Coach...because that's what I always do...whatever Coach Ditka just said....mostly because I'm kinda scared of him, and he sits an arm's length away...not gonna lie....
BERMAN: C.C., how about you?
CARTER: (still sobbing uncontrollably from getting into the Hall of Fame a year ago)......
BERMAN: Um, all right, guy in Mangold jersey...your thoughts on the game...
MINI MANGOLD: Geno Smith?!? HE F**KING SUCKS!!! THAT'S MY THOUGHT....HOLY S**T, WHAT A DUMB F**KING QUESTION...(stands up...sips beer)....F**K GENO SMITH...F**K THE BILLS....F**K THIS BLUBBERING PIECE OF S**T SITTING NEXT TO ME...AND F**K YOU, BOOMER!!! You want me outta here? GOOD! KICK ME OUT!! KICK ME OUT, PLEASE!!! THIS SHOW HAS SUCKED FOR 20 YEARS!! ACL....ACL....ACL....BLOW IT, BOOMER! BLOW IT!!!!
BERMAN: (looks at camera, puts elbow on table) Well as the Beatles once said "Help...I need somebody....help....not just anybody...we'll be back after this...."
This needs to happen.
0:40 -- "YOU SUCK, GENO! F****K YOU!!!....F**K HIM...." DING! SUCK COUNT: 4. DING! DING! F-BOMB COUNT: 6...7...
0:46 -- "Throw me out, PLEASE! Throw me the F**K OUT!!! I don't wanna watch this S**T ANYMORE!!!" DING! F-BOMB COUNT: 8... DING! DING! "THROW ME OUT" COUNT: 1...2... DING! S-BOMB COUNT: 1.
Mini Mangold is going deep into his Asshole arsenal, supplementing the brute force of curse words with multiple requests to be ejected from the stadium. Dude is straight up dominating right now.
0:50 -- "Throw me the F**K OUT!!! THROW ME THE F**K OUT!!! F**K HIM!!" DING! DING! DING! F-BOMB COUNT: 9...10...11... DING! DING! "THROW ME OUT" COUNT: 3...4...
He's going 1996 Spurrier now on all of you, running up the score....
0:57 -- "This is BULLS**T!" DING! S-BOMB COUNT: 2.
1:00 -- "THIS IS F**KING BULLS**T..." DING! F-BOMB COUNT: 12. DING! S-BOMB COUNT: 3.
1:04 -- "I haven't had a competent quarterback in 40 F**KING YEARS....I haven't had a good quarterback in 40 F**KING YEARS...." DING! DING! F-BOMB COUNT: 13...14....
Also, some more actual analysis on the Jets' history of poor quarterback play (much more accurate than his Geno Smith stats, by the way) and use of the word "competent" by someone who, by all appearances, is not entirely competent himself at life. Continuing...
1:12 -- "F**K YOU...F**K YOU....THROW ME OUT..." DING! DING! F-BOMB COUNT: 15...16... DING! "THROW ME OUT" COUNT: 5.
1:22 -- "Bullshit...this is BULLS**T...I been watching' this s**t for 30 F**KING YEARS...30 F**KING YEARS watching this....this SUCKS...." DING! DING! S-BOMB COUNT: 4...5... DING! DING! F-BOMB COUNT: 17....18.... DING! SUCK COUNT: 5.
FINAL ASSHOLE BOX SCORE: Mini Mangold SECONDS PLAYED: 94 F-BOMB: 18 S-BOMB: 5 SUCK: 5 "THROW ME OUT": 5 DEBILITATING INJURY WISH: 3 OVERALL AER (Asshole Efficiency Rating): 38.14 NBA EQUIVALENT: Tracy McGrady's 13 points in 35 seconds against the Spurs in 2004 against the Spurs
Also, sources are reporting that the Houston Texans have preemptively revoked Mini Mangold's Texan season ticket privileges. Also, they have installed security cameras at all traffic arteries and stadium entrances near the Reliant complex with retinal recognition software and permission to all law enforcement to shoot on sight if Mini Mangold is within a mile of the Texans' facilities.
THERE WILL BE NO FOUL LANGUAGE, PEOPLE!
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.