Zapruder Analysis of Shirtless Guy (Presumably) on Bath Salts Wandering onto Football Field
Most of the time, when fans inject themselves into a sporting event by trespassing onto the field, the motives are pretty clear. The perpetrator either (a) is looking to wind up on television, (b) trying to steal a memento of some sort (ball, piece of turf, etc.), or (c) responding to a drunken dare from his buddies.
At a high school football game between Colfax and Placer in California this past weekend, we saw an example of a trespassing fan that fell into that other small sliver of the spectrum:
(d) whacked out on bath salts
Courtesy of Forbes.com, here are the details with video and Zapruder analysis (you're welcome!) to follow:
The Oct. 26 Colfax-Placer football game in Colfax, Calif. was delayed slightly when a man with droopy trousers and no shirt entered the field, aimlessly walked around, picked up the football, and then got the snot knocked out of him by a father of one of Placer players.
The Colfax (Calif.) Record identified the hitter as Troy Minton-Sander. He is a former player for the Auburn (Calif.) Placer High Hillmen, and his son is one of the Placer players. The hittee was identified by the paper as Patrick Hurley, 25, of Colfax, who was arrested after being held down by a phalanx of football dads who jumped Hurley after he was knocked over. Not identified by the Record: the football dad who distracted Hurley after he picked up the ball, making him think he wanted a hug, before Minton-Sander face-planted him and forced a fumble. "Hit of the year," Placer defensive lineman Eddie Vanderdoes told the Record.
As ridiculous as that description sounds, it doesn't begin to do justice to the actual footage, which I conveniently have for you here:
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0:01 -- Out strolls Hurley onto the field of play. Clearly, he is fully hydrated as he opts to spill out the remainder of his bottled water (which may or may not actually be a combination of moonshine and liquified meth), and then show off that right wing of his by tossing the bottle as hard as he could. It lands about ten feet in front of him, which means, if nothing else, Hurley could probably start for LSU.
0:14 -- On the zoom in, we get a good look at Hurley's outfit, which can best be described as...well, put it this way, if there were a male strip club in Appalachia, this is what I would expect to see the performers wearing. His jeans are barely above his pube line in front and are actually below his butt crack in the back. Clearly, Hurley is taking the concept of wearing a belt around his waist literally, as he is literally belt-on-skin. (Truth be told, at first glance, I thought the belt was some kind of odd flaccid strap-on.)
0:19 -- The stare on Hurley's face screams "BATH SALTS." Either that, or he is an aspiring pro wrestler experimenting with a dimwitted mute hillbilly gimmick, like Festus 2.0...
0:25 -- In what may have been a thinly veiled attempt to get someone to "drop a dime in the jukebox" (butt crack humor), Hurley bends down to pick the ball up, and for a moment everyone in the stadium is thankful that his goal is apparently to merely take the football and not chew off a teenager's face (bath salts humor). Dude in tan jacket (heretofore referred to as "Tan Jacket Guy") walks out to confront him.
0:28 -- Hurley begins to showboat a little bit, holding the ball way out to the side in his left hand. Really poor form, holding the ball like a loaf of bread, and you know what comes next....
0:29 -- BOOM! (No, seriously, you can hear people yell "BOOM!" in the crowd.)
0:30 -- Great stick by Troy Milton-Sander to cause the fumble (oh, and apprehend a possible psycho killer). Let that be a lesson, Hurley! THIS is what happens when you don't apply three points of pressure on that football. You cough up the football! Turnovers are a killer, Hurley!! Oh, also, drugs. This is what happens when you take drugs. (But really, I'm more offended by his lackadaisical ball security.)
0:36 -- Milton-Sander is joined by three other men who are presumably law enforcement, fathers of players on the field, or both. Tan Jacket Guy begins grabbing whichever Hurley limb is available and some dude in a white ball cap starts directing traffic, telling the guys which limb to grab, and basically treating the apprehension of this stoner like the four of them are docking a small boat.
0:45 -- Tan Jacket Guy seizes the opportunity to use Hurley's limp body and legs to practice some modified version of the figure four leg lock. Hurley will not like this.
0:49 -- Because apparently the four guys laying on top of Hurley's splattered carcass aren't enough to keep him down, in comes a dude in a black hoodie to tear off a piece of this chicken fried redneck for himself. He opts for the head, which is always the toughest meat on a chicken fried redneck.
0:55 -- Meanwhile, Tan Jacket Guy has twisted Hurley's legs into a jumbled version of Bret Hart's sharpshooter. I say a "jumbled version" because instead of interlocking his legs with Hurley's, Tan Jacket Guy is riding Hurley's leg under his crotch. It's a tad homoerotic, to be honest.
0:59 -- If you had 59 seconds as the over/under for when we would finally see uniformed law enforcement involved, go ahead and cash your ticket. Seriously, short of a stabbing in the crowd, what could this cop have been working on that was more important than this?
1:02 -- I've lost track of how many guys are getting their licks in on Hurley at this point. It's at least six and maybe seven. It looks like one of those old WWE battle royales where it would take a dozen wrestlers to eliminate Andre the Giant -- only Andre is a shirtless, inbred drug addict.
1:04 -- There's a woman in a "COLFAX" hoodie walking onto the field with her purse who is walking with a "mall closes in five minutes" sort of purpose in her step. She is texting on her iPhone and she winds up standing next to the fracas and observing from up close. The best assumption as to her identity is that she is some sort of school district bigwig overseeing the cuffing of this loser, but it's infinitely more fun to assume she is Hurley's mom or girlfriend and picture the tongue lashing that he gets in the car after she posts his bail.
1:12 -- Hurley manages to wriggle free from Tan Jacket Guy's sharpshooter and, having none of that, Tan Jacket Guy proceeds to start elbowing Hurley's shins, apparently hellbent on snapping them in two.
1:21 -- Sweet fancy Moses, Tan Jacket Guy is trying to take home Hurley's right foot as a souvenir!!
1:30 -- All right, I have no sympathy for an aspiring psychopath like Hurley, but the visual of six lucid men holding down one practically braindead clod is some hysterical overkill. By the way, I like the dude filming it and his bragging about the video going viral. It got me to thinking that there should be an IMDb.com for viral videos (call it VIMDb.com), so that this guy and random iPhone filmographers like him have their proper recognition archived. Imagine trying to hit on a woman at a bar and being able to brag that you're the father AND videographer of "David After Dentist," or that you're David himself?
1:48 -- Tan Jacket Guy is holding onto Hurley's legs like they are the branches on the banks of a raging river.
2:05 -- Some dude in black sweats and glasses comes sprinting in from the crowd just as the six vigilantes begin to drag Hurley to his feet. This guy is like that one guy among your group of friends who always offers to help lift or move something heavy like two seconds after you and your other buddies have started picking it up. Useless choad.
2:15 -- They pick Hurley up off the grass and miraculously, after 90 seconds of a six man dry hump, these keystone cops still never managed to cuff this idiot. How is that even possible?
2:25 -- As he is being led away, Hurley glances back, seemingly looking for something. He appears almost panicked, like he's leaving a loved one behind. My only theory I can come up with is that in the short time (1.4 seconds, roughly) that he was holding the football, he developed a kinship with it, a la Tom Hanks and "Wilson" in the movie Castaway:
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
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