Zapruder Analysis of the Gronkowskis on Family Feud (w/ VIDEO)
The "Summer of Gronk" is winding down. I'll be honest, I'm going to be sad to see it go. It's had all of the raucousness and alcohol-fueled rambunctiousness of both "Summers of Johnny" (2013, 2014…and that would be Johnny MANZIEL, in case you'd forgotten him), but without the dark cloud of arrests or fights hanging over it. Basically, the "Summer of Gronk" is the smiley face version of the "Summer of Johnny."
Nobody in the NFL made their time off count more than Rob Gronkowski these last few weeks, so it's nice to finally get to meet his family, the Brothers Gronk along with Papa Gronk. Unfortunately for them (and fortunately for the remainder of the free world), we recently got to meet them in a habitat where they're showing off one of their least impressive skills — their collective ability to think.
Yes, the Family Gronk was on Celebrity Family Feud this past weekend, taking on the Peete family (actress Holly Robinson Peete and her journeyman QB husband Rodney Peete) for charity. How did it go? Well, LET'S PLAY THE FEUD and find out….
(NOTE: We tried to embed the video, but Roger Goodell doesn't like me for some reason. It's probably that time — well, multiple times — I called him a liar. At any rate, I can't embed the episode from the NFL's YouTube page, but you can watch it in a separate video player while following along to my Zapruder analysis below! It's a solution that's a little 2001-clunky, but worth it! Trust me!)
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0:10 — We have introductions of both sides and of host Steve Harvey, and even on a stage with Rob Gronkowski and Holly Robinson Peete (screw you, Rodney, you ain't nothin'), Harvey gets the loudest cheers. Admittedly, that could be because there's a huge "APPLAUSE" sign that lights up when he comes out, but Harvey deserves the cheers. On the long list of Feud hosts, I have Harvey ranked number two behind the incumbent Richard "Serial Smoocher" Dawson, and even then I think I only have Dawson ahead of Harvey the same way you'd have Hulk Hogan ahead of The Rock on a list of WWE champions. Nostalgia matters. (Hell, Dawson even had an ill-fated return in 1994, much like Hogan every time he shows up on WWE TV these days.) Harvey is awesome, though. For the record, the rankings go like this:
3. Ray Combs (R.I.P)
4. Louie Anderson
5. J. Peterman
6. Dude who was the bearded guy on Home Improvement
0:50 — The Gronks are introduced and they all seem to be fairly normal, all except the smallest Gronk, Chris, who is shimmying like "Sandstorm" is playing in the background. I'm going to keep an eye on him. If there's a "breakout Gronk" that comes from this show, Chris is the early favorite.
1:02 — Peete family introduced and the lead chair goes to…Holly. Well, Rodney, we know who wears the pants in YOUR family. Chivalry on the Feud?!? Rodney, come on, man!!
1:32 — Gronk gets introduced in the one-on-one's, and when Harvey says "You can flat out BALL", Gronk delivers the line "On the field or on the dance floor?" with the casual scripted awkwardness of a rookie porn star (which Gronk may or may not be in his spare time). Harvey pulls a woman out of the audience to twerk with Gronk, and the woman, after several seconds, returns to her seat, definitely aroused and possibly pregnant.
2:57 — "Top five answers on the board… [Harvey chuckles] … name something that can be inflated or deflated…" You know, because the whole Patriots thing where they deflated footballs. Oh, those Feud writers….HILAR!!! Gronk's answer "I don't even want this one." Not at all scripted. Totally random.
4:50 — In response to "Name something that can be inflated or deflated", Holly's cousin Kelly says "a condom". This gives us the first "Steve Harvey Face" of the show, and now also has the five Gronks playing "rock, paper, scissors" to see who gets to go home with Kelly after the show.
5:15 — Rodney Peete informs America that he and Holly don't use condoms, and my "cool" score on Rodney just went up five billion points.
5:45 — In response to the inflate/deflate question, Matt (Holly's brother, who gives off a subtle "Grady from Sanford and Son" vibe) says "teddy bear". Matt is the Chris Gronkowski of the Peete family.
6:15 — The Gronks steal the board with the answer "tires," which amazingly nobody had said even though it was the number one answer on the board. That's slightly surprising no one had answered "tires." Slightly less surprising is the Gronk family doing a "bro group jump" to celebrate their conquest in Round 1.
6:45 — Round 2 question: "A guy knows he's had too much to drink when he tries to pick up his _______." Rodney says "date," which apparently could mean that Rodney Peete routinely drove drunk to his dates' houses back in the day to pick them up to go out. BUZZ! Gordie Gronk, Jr.'s answer is several seconds of blank staring, which means he could be drunk right now. BUZZ! Over to Dolores on the Peete side…. blank stare, she's drunk, too …. BUZZ! Finally, Daniel Gronk ends the madness with "ex girlfriend."
7:20 — Chris time… "A guy knows he's had too much to drink when he tries to pick up his ______" … Chris: "SISTER." …. BAM! Number one answer! CHRIS IS THE G.O.A.T.!!
8:44 — Papa Gronk's turn and after announcing himself as the "creator" of all the present Gronks, he answers "PANTS," which can be read to mean that Papa Gronk routinely drops trow when he gets wasted, which is quite awesome.
9:20 — Gordie, Jr. time, and now that he's had a couple minutes to think, we get slightly more than a blank stare. "JEWELRY." … like I said, SLIGHTLY more, as in "at least he used his words this time". Harvey hilariously preemptively walks over to the Peetes before even asking if the answer is up there. And the Peetes manage to steal with "HIS BUDDY" as the stealing answer.
11:00 — Point values doubled, here's the question .. "Name something a husband may find spread all over his bed that would make him suspect his wife is having an affair with a baker." Ok, are they officially running out of questions on this show? What the hell is that? What baker comes right over from the pastry shop and jumps in bed and starts doing it without taking off his apron and white chef's clothes?
11:41 — Kelly answers "icing," but it would've been hilarious if she answered "condom" again. In fact, she should answer "condom" for everything, like Lloyd on the old NBC sitcom Wings answering "Ann Margaret" for every question in Trivial Pursuit, because he had played TP before and remembers that it was the answer to "ONE of these questions." (Yes, that was my most obscure pop culture reference ever.)
13:16 — 80 year old Dolores informs us she's looking to find a husband, and Chris Gronkowski immediately makes a mental note to text her a picture of his junk after the show.
15:07 — Ok, final prelim round, here's the question … "If you were a bear, name something we might find you doing in the woods…"
15:15 — Chris Gronkowski pounds the button, and never happier to answer a question, proclaims "Take a dump!" He then cackles, probably happy that his studying of "things that bears do in the woods" all these years came in so handy.
16:58 — Eventually, it comes back around to Chris, and when he's asked again to name something we might see a bear do in the woods, he blankly stares straight ahead and mutters "get shot." I'll be honest, I thought he would say "take ANOTHER dump." Obviously, we know now that Chris' studying of "things bears do in the woods" ended after the "taking a dump" chapter. (Rob Gronk, for what it's worth, thought "get shot" was a really good answer.)
18:30 — Amazingly, the Peetes steal the round and the game with "scratching his back on a tree," and despite the NFL YouTube account being the host of the video, and despite Rodney Peete being a former NFL player, the video ends because there are sadly no Gronks in the bonus round. Suck it, Rodney Peete, you don't count.
I have three takeaways from this episode:
1. If the "fix" was in, then the producers did a terrible job eliminating the Gronk family because nobody wants to see the Peete family play the bonus round.
2. The Gronkowskis should be on Family Feud every week.
3. Chris Gronkowski needs to be the next "Bachelor."
Listen to Sean Pendergast on SportsRadio 610 from 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanTPendergast.