Zapruder Analysis of the Viral Videos From the Gronk Cruise
Gronk dances like a full body dry heave.
If you are anti-meathead-bro, and there is a hell, then for you that hell existed this past weekend somewhere in the Bahamas, on the business end of a four-day cruise out of Miami. The cruise starred the key members of the family of New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, more specifically Gronk, two of his brothers and his old man, and it included 700 people who paid thousands of dollars for the sole purpose of observing and, if they were lucky, brushing up against the First Family of Party Rocking.
The Gronk family actually left port one Gronk short of their forecasted quintet when brother Dan (dubbed "The Brains" on the cruise's website) opted out for fear of contracting the Zika virus and transmitting it to his pregnant wife. Indeed, on the Big Board of possible viruses contracted on a Gronk Cruise, Zika is a danger level above the rest, most of which involve only a burning feeling and some odd discharge, so Dan was doing the right thing.
Thankfully, the remaining Gronks all felt impervious to disease and went through with the cruise, much to the delight of the 700 people who paid extra to go to a bunch of Gronk-arriffic events and the 1,600 people who merely paid for the regular cruise and had no idea that Team Gronk was on board. Through the power of social media, we can relive ten-second snippets of the magic!
So without further ado, let's go live to the ship and points beyond!
GRONK OFFERS COUPLE 10 GRAND TO BANG
My Gronk Party Ship source reports Gronk offers couple "10 grand cash right now if you bang in front of everybody." pic.twitter.com/6shf8YJHyy— Robert Klemko (@RobertKlemko) February 21, 2016
Houston Texans vs. Cleveland Browns
TicketsSun., Oct. 15, 12:00pm
TicketsSat., Oct. 21, 7:00pm
Houston Texans vs. Indianapolis Colts
TicketsSun., Nov. 5, 12:00pm
Houston Texans vs. Arizona Cardinals
TicketsSun., Nov. 19, 12:00pm
Houston Texans vs. San Francisco 49ers
TicketsSun., Dec. 10, 12:00pm
COMMENT: My first reaction to this video is "How many days would First Take spend on this if Cam Newton had offered a couple ten grand to bang in public?" My second reaction is that my suspicions are confirmed that the number of women at this thing would be vastly overestimated. In short, the Gronk Cruise is one big sausage-fest of dudes who likely have some sort of Gronk tribute tattooed on their bodies somewhere.
BROS GETTIN' DOWN
COMMENT: I'm not sure what's more depressing — the 70-something-year-old ladies perfecting their dance moves or the fat dude with the ponytail and cargo shorts. Either way, this cruise looks fairly horrific in these first two videos.
GRONK DANCES LIKE A FULL BODY DRY HEAVE
COMMENT: WAY too much of Gronk pointing his ass directly at the crowd. Point that thing somewhere else, bro.
WOMAN RIDES FAKE ZEBRA
COMMENT: I feel like this deserves its own category of porn...chicks bouncing on inflatable safari animals.
PAPA GRONK HAS THE FRESHEST 60-YEAR-OLD DANCE MOVES
Gronkowski Party Ship update No. 4: SOMEBODY GONE GET PREGNANT TONIGHT, featuring Gronk Dad. pic.twitter.com/4oInBDPV6V— Robert Klemko (@RobertKlemko) February 21, 2016
COMMENT: Papa Gronk has perfected the "hop up and down with no real plan" dance, and BONUS — he doesn't point his ass at the crowd one time! On the cruise's website, Papa Gronk is dubbed "The Innovator." Clearly, that is not a reference to his ability to concoct new dance moves.
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