Zapruder Analysis of This Snapshot of a Forlorn Texans Sideline on Sunday

"Their faces tell you everything." -- Mike McD, Rounders

The Texans' futility in the second half of games during this eight-game losing streak has been well documented. Two touchdowns in eight halves of football (47 possessions in all), it really doesn't get much more meager than that.

How are the players and coaches internalizing this as it's unfolding? It's a logical question. If you look them in the eyes and read the body language, what does it say?

Unfortunately, at home games, it's almost impossible to do either because of angles and distance, and even in the year 2013, with a thousand cameras in the stadium, there still doesn't exist an option for television where we can control the vantage point we watch from or peep alternate angles.

I want to know -- are the players confident? Fearful? Apathetic? Angry?

Well, thanks to the magic of high-resolution digital photography, we can now peep the Texans' sideline, even just for a snapshot moment.

And on Sunday, we did.

Thanks to my man Groovehouse, here is a shot of the Texans' sideline with just a few minutes to go in the game Sunday against the Raiders. We don't know the exact moment in the game, except that the picture was taken around 3:28 p.m. Also, based on the personnel on the sideline, the offense is obviously on the field.

Given what has gone on all season long with this team and what had transpired up until that point on Sunday (and, dear God, what was about to transpire just minutes after this), we can only guess what each Texans employee in this picture was thinking at this exact moment.

So let's do that! Let's read some minds! If comic strip "thought bubbles" were over the heads of each guy in this picture, what would they say? Here we go (from left to right):  

Hoo boy.
Hoo boy.
Photo by Groovehouse

ANDRE JOHNSON, wide receiver #80 "Kill me.....seriously, kill me now....SCHAUB....AGAIN?!?....just kill me...."

DEVIER POSEY, wide receiver (over Wade's right shoulder) "This is seriously the worst Breathe Right strip EVER...this thing looks like a caterpillar decided to lay down and die on my face. It looks like I duct-taped my nose to my face because it was about to fall off. By the way, with me and Dre on the sidelines, who the hell is playing receiver right now?"

WADE PHILLIPS, defensive coordinator "Dadgummit, that's a really big video screen....oooohh, Kiss Cam! Man, please don't bother me, Kubes, please don't bother me, I love me some Kiss Cam! Offense is on the field, I can take off the headphones. Oh, man, Kiss Cam....hilarious....oh, it's W! Bush number 43! Or as I call him, @sonofbush! I hope he makes out with....yep, there it is! Makin' out with Laura, you go, Dubya...wait....mmmmmm, I smell chili...."

RICK DENNISON, offensive coordinator "Wait, we are going to speed up the tempo and that was a reason to take Case OUT of the game? We took out the kid who ran 100 plays a game routinely and put back in the glacially moving mope who cratered our season in the first place? Dammit, I knew I should have gone to law school...."

KARL DORRELL, quarterbacks coach "Look busy, Karl....look busy....if you stare at your IHOP menu, act agitated and act like you're doing something, they won't ask what you do....loooooook busy...."

T.J. YATES, backup backup quarterback "Well, so much for this playoff beard. I do look amazing in these sweats, though. Phew, I'm tired. What's Edmonton like this time of year?"

CASE KEENUM, ousted starting quarterback #7 "So wait, you took me out for THIS? I'm less equipped to handle tempo than THIS....such bullshit. Oh man, I think Yates farted...."

UNNAMED TEXANS STAFFER, bent over "Sooooooo hungover....oh it comes......hold it down, hold it down.....uh-oh, she's gonna blow.....oh God...."

JOE MARCIANO, still employed "...............(whistling the Andy Griffith Show theme song).........."

RANDY BULLOCK, kicker #4 "Down by five, we'll have to go for a touchdown here, right? No field goals necessary, right? Please, please, let this be the case.....wait....mmmmmm, I smell chili....."

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at

Sponsor Content


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >