Zapruder Analysis of Three Arkansas Fans' Creepy Courting of Jon Gruden
Hey Grude? WHAT?
Pre-technology, paying tribute used to be so much more difficult to pull off.
However, now with an iPhone, a YouTube account and a cursory knowledge of some editing software, any ol' country bumpkin can tell his college football coach in song that he thinks he's the next big thing.
But there's an immediacy to the Internet and expression through music whereby a fan base can immediately turn on you when you're looking up at bowl eligibility. Three wins ain't gonna cut it in our state, sonny boy!
And to that end, what's up, ARKANSAS?!
Indeed, it wasn't all that long ago that Arkansas head coach Bret Bielema swooped into Fayetteville to rescue the Hog faithful from the John L. Smith Era, with a satchel full of dreams and a power running game that would magically steamroll the SEC West. He was brash, his wife was hot, and dammit, Arkansas fans, you were all BIELEMERS!
Especially this guy...
But with one tweet, everything changed...
(If this were a 30 for 30, this is where we would cut to a commercial and you'd be like "Oh hell, now I got to find out what got tweeted!" It's called a tease, kids.)
The tweet itself is now deleted, but it came after Bielema's former employer Wisconsin lost in heartbreaking fashion on some butchered officiating to Arizona State early in the season...
For whatever reason, Jen Bielema thought that Wisconsin getting screwed was some small fraction of a restoration of balance in the football universe and decided to tweet "#karma." Because, y'know, Wisconsin is a place that paid her husband millions of dollars to coach football before he voluntarily left.
Whatever, I guess.
At any rate, since Jen Bielema's sexy fingers hit "SEND" on that tweet, Arkansas (3-0 at the time, by the way) has not won a football game. They finished the season 3-9, and actually closed out the year losing in heartbreaking fashion in Baton Rouge when LSU's backup quarterback threw a 49 yard bomb with a minute to go in the game to stave off the upset, 31-27.
So now, Arkansas fans, at least most of them, are no longer Bielemers. Far from it. So a few of them with internet access, a camera, and a little techno-savvy decided to begin the recruiting process for Bielema's replacement. And if you're gonna aim, why not aim high, right?
Jon Gruden's name comes up for every coaching search, college and pro. Right now, the Super Bowl winning former head coach of the Tampa Bay Bucs gets paid millions to do one game a week on ESPN and sit in a trailer with some college kids for a couple weeks in March breaking down film. Good gig. Better than the Arkansas job.
Still, that didn't stop these guys from
whipping out their dongs and pissing all over the greatest Beatles song of all time putting together this tribute/recruiting video...
Actually, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but that wasn't totally terrible. It was only mostly terrible. (Highest compliment ever paid to an SEC fan music video, by the way.) Let's Zapruder this thing, shall we?
0:01 -- Ok, we have what appear to be three teenage lads, big Arkansas fans (two of them, literally big, in particular the dude on the left is making that Arkansas golf shirt work overtime), getting ready to belt out "Hey Grude," (a takeoff of the Beatles' "Hey Jude") boy band style. We will call them "No Direction" and, left to right, we will name them Niall, Louis, and Liam. (Because we all know that Harry is going to leave One Direction for a solo career at any minute, and Zayn is the least popular, according to Twitter. And, YES, I had to Google
most all of that.)
0:02 -- Louis appears to be the leader of the group, as evidenced by the decision to allow him to introduce the video and by the Garth Brooks/Todd Graham style earpiece/microphone ensemble. Liam appears to be the spaz that sets the tone of the show. Niall appears to be the one in charge of catering.
0:03 -- These guys appear to be in their late teens, so my hope is that their, ahem, STUDIO is actually the bedroom of a seven year old brother of one of them, because if any of these dudes have a room decorated like this at their age, adulthood is probably going to be a bit of a challenge.
0:04 -- "This is a song we wrote for our next head coach, Jon Gruden..." All righty then...
0:13 -- One phrase in, we can already tell that this is going to be an emotional ballad. Louis has hands in face already, as if to shed tears. This may be the sales guy in me, but I don't know that this would be my pitch to a guy who looks constipated 24/7 and has a weekly segment called "Gruden's Grinders." But what do I know....
0:17 -- Holy shit! The first belting of "Become the HEEEAADDD HAAWWWGGG..." you can tell these three actually have some skills, I mean at least compared to the gremlin that sang that Butch Jones song and the granny who sang "Johnny Football." Put it this way, I can already tell that when we finally organize the Lollapalooza for SEC viral fan artists, No Direction will headline.
0:30 -- Wait, rewind a couple seconds...did he....he DID! Louis made a jerk off sign (a quick one, but a jerk off sign nonetheless) just as the words "come through the door" were uttered. Louis, don't make this thing freaky. Let's keep it on a football tip, please!
0:36 -- Liam produces a microphone out of nowhere and the octave and decibel level of his voice don't change one iota. I think that mic is a prop.
0:45 -- "Come to Fayetteville to beat Nick Sabaaaannn...." Is Arkansas on Texas' schedule in the coming seasons? I haven't looked. Someone check this, please....
1:03 -- Ok, I laughed out lot at the "contract" on which they need his "sig." A huge piece of paper with a dollar sign on it. I think that's what my first radio contract looked like. Only with a much smaller dollar sign and a six month non compete.
1:07 -- So far, here's the biggest mystery to me about this video, and I don't know that it ever gets solved. We know Liam's voice is the lead voice in the thing, and we know in the background is one baritone-ish voice and one soprano-ish voice. I can't figure out which of the two hefty dudes is the songbird and which one is the bellow. Louis has more the "high tone" look to him (hipster headset, mopey hair, overly enthusiastic), but it's funnier to picture Niall as that guy. That voice, coming from THAT diaphragm. Continuing....
1:13 -- "You carry the state upon your shooouuulder...." Ah, thanks for pointing out where the shoulder is located on the human anatomy fellas. Appreciated.
1:20 -- Ah, the contract has a page 2! "6 MILLION" in big letters. Yeah, definitely not a radio contract. (Also, what would Gruden command on the open market for a college job? Would Texas pay him Saban money? I'd have to think so, especially given the fact that Gruden might singlehandedly solve the clearance issues for the Longhorn Network. His coaches show would actually get non-Longorn fans watching it. Seriously, this question just popped into my head and 45 seconds later, I think hiring Gruden for about $10 million a year makes perfect sense on so many levels, and honestly might be the one thing that would salvage the Longhorn Network, in some small way.)
1:32 -- Niall gives a tug of the shirt to stretch it. That garment is putting in an all-SEC type effort today.
1:38 -- Liam's coffee/Red Bull/cocaine is kicking in as we take it up a notch for the next verse...
2:01 -- WAIT! Stop and rewind again...he's just trolling us now right?...watch....he DID do it! When the verse "There's no one better..." gets uttered, Louis points at his junk! He DOES! Ballads are no way to recruit Jon Gruden, but making jack off signs and pointing to your wiener, well, now you're asking for an ass kicking, kid.
2:35 -- "We'd win games by pure intimidation...." Um, slow down, fellas. You're Arkansas, ok? Have you been to Gainesville? Gruden is going to need to lose at least six more teeth before he intimidates those people.
3:01 -- "A head coach is all we are missing..." Most delusional lyric of any song since "all you need is love" (which is tied with every rap lyric ever where the guy says he's the best).
3:12 -- CONFIRMATION: Niall's arms work.
3:23 -- Ok, admitted, I spit out my water when Liam waved at the camera while singing "HEY GRUDE!" THAT was funny.
3:27 -- Louis takes off the hipster headphone thingy to belt out the final few lyrics, the boy band SEC delusia-tune version of Jerry "The King" Lawler pulling the one strap down on his singlet before he kicks a guy's ass.
3:51 -- Liam is making a run at MVP of shitty fan videos in the final chorus here. DESTROYING....
4:00 -- One last half hearted, quasi-jerk signal from Louis. He must be getting tired.
4:29 -- Liam slides in close for the three headed, poster shot, which I'm incredibly tempted to it my Twitter avatar for one day, as we fade to black.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
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