Zapruder Analysis of Two Women Brawling at Walmart (w/ VIDEO)
I don't know if fighting in the wild is occurring more these days or if it just feels like it's occurring more because every fight between two redneck pieces of tatted-up garbage gets captured on someone's iPhone and posted to YouTube within minutes of happening, but the bottom line is society feels a little angrier in 2015. It also feels a lot more depressing.
And with that quick preamble, I jump both feet first into being part of the problem and take you to the Walmart in Beech Grove, Indiana. I feel like if there were a Wrestlemania for fights between obese rednecks, the card would take place in the Walmart in Beech Grove, Indiana (with SummerSlam later that year in the Walmart in Boynton Beach, Florida), with a full ten fight card of stipulation matches — Loser Leaves Town, No Disqualification, Loser Has To Eat A Walmart Deli Sandwich.
Rare is the time when we have the actual backstory on a fighting video, but the brawl between these two sows that you're about to witness actually has some context, thanks to a post fight radio call-in from one of the alleged combatants in the fight below. Reportedly, the one woman that wasn't on a motor scooter at the beginning of the video (yes, there's a woman who climbed off of her motor scooter to fight) named "Amber" called into the Smiley Morning Show and said that the fight below started because the scooter lady (who will now be referred to as "Speedy") called a Walmart worker a racial slur.
Here is the backstory, as conveyed by (allegedly) one of the combatants:
“(The woman) was sitting there yelling at an employee at Wal-Mart, and she was telling her that she was a ni**** and that she was going to get out of the chair and whoop her a**,” the woman said.
“She used the ‘n-word?'” the host asked.
“Yes, she used the ‘n-word,'” the woman said. “So in my defense, I was standing up for the employee.”
Gridiron Glory: The Best of Pro Football HOF -- 3PM-8PM
TicketsThu., Mar. 30, 3:00pm
Gridiron Glory: The Best of Pro Football HOF -- 10AM-3PM
TicketsFri., Mar. 31, 10:00am
Gridiron Glory: The Best of Pro Football HOF -- 10AM-6PM
TicketsSun., Apr. 2, 10:00am
Rice Owls Men's Baseball vs. Louisiana Tech Bulldogs Men's Baseball
TicketsFri., Apr. 7, 6:30pm
Calling anyone a racial slur is deplorable. I'm not breaking any news there. What this does allow is for us to have a clear rooting interest in the fight below, like with an actual babyface (wrestling parlance for "hero") and heel ("villain"). I suppose, for each of you, those roles depend on whether or not you have ties to the Ku Klux Klan. Me, I'm rooting for Amber and her insane eight-year-old son, who I will call "Johnny," partially because I believe someone calls him "Johnny" in the video and partially because I feel like if they made a prequel to the Karate Kid based on Johnny Lawrence's early childhood, it would go kind of like this.
So with this in mind, let's head to the Beech Grove Walmart and Zapruder this bad boy….
0:01 — The first minute or so of the video is just some random, muffled trash talk going back and forth, presumably in the aftermath of Speedy dropping her alleged racial bomb on the Walmart employee. Because we don't have a clear view of the soon to be combatants, it's hard to tell who the aggressor is, but one thing is highly likely — the words "Do you think you're better than me???" were uttered somewhere along the way. They're basically the redneck fight equivalent of the timekeeper's bell in a WWE match. As soon as those words are uttered, the fight begins….
1:03 — "Come on bitch"…. yeah, it's going down. Cameraman is approaching the correct aisle to get a good seat. We also hear a high pitched squeal saying "COME OOOOWWWNN…." That would be Johnny. More on him in a second.
1:10 — Speedy motors up to Amber at about 3 MPH screaming "YOU WANT IT??? YOU WANT IT???" and then, in the most miraculous random "recovery of leg usage" since Grandpa Joe climbed out of bed to visit Willy Wonka's factory, Speedy is off her scooter and onto her feet and swinging mitts on Amber. (So wait, they let people with fully functional legs use those larks? Honestly, how big a lazy piece of shit do you have to be to ride around Walmart on a motorized scooter instead of, y'know, using your legs?)
1:11 — The crowd is gathering in the background, phones out, ready to watch and film. 2015, yo!
1:15 — I would describe Speedy's fight style as "used windmill being sold on Craig's List," and as the camera makes its way around the corner, we find out how effective the style is, which is to say it's not effective at all. Amber has already subdued her to an extent, and Tyler is getting ready to rain a barrage of foreign objects onto Speedy's dome.
1:23 — Welp, "Hey, there are kids here" Guy is in the house. Hey Flanders, just watch…I don't think this particular kid is scared. In fact, Tyler will whoop your ass if you're not careful, old man.
1:26 — If you had "tramp stamp YES -400," cash your ticket.
1:41 — "Johnny, punch her in the fucking face…" Nothing says "Walmart in Indiana" quite like encouraging a second grader to commit felonious assault before he turns nine years old. Start 'em young!
1:62 — Both fighters are able to get to their feet and square off for some fisticuffs. Neither is what I would call an "accurate striker."
1:55 — Down goes a shelf full of shampoo. As the old saying goes, "It's not a fight until the words 'clean up on aisle 12' are uttered over the loudspeaker." Now it's on!!
2:10 — So now Johnny is whaling on Speedy's face, and this is the moral dilemma — if you're a good person, you should be rooting for Amber and Johnny to win because racism sucks, however, it's hard to root for the side that a) is employing a highly illegal double team tactic and b) has a kid who is openly campaigning for a spot in "juvy" within the next two years.
2:26 — At this point, the fight has degenerated into more of a mating ritual than an actual brawl. Ground and pound equals GROOSSSS….
2:34 — Johnny's trash talk game is on point, dropping a "dummy" and a "do something about it" on Speedy. The only thing missing is a skeleton Halloween costume.
2:53 — BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO TO THE HEAD….JOHNNY WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'??? THAT RACIST HAS A FAMILY, BAH GAWD!!!
So how good is this fight? It actually has a "Part Two"! This is like the Iron Man Match of Walmart Fighting! Let's roll over to Part Two, where we learn more about the Johnny character in the storyline….
0:14 — One of the spectators tells Johnny to stop peppering Speedy with bottles of hair product, and Johnny goes on the verbal attack…. "DO NOT EVEN TELL ME WHAT TO DO…." before he scurries back over to administer some more brutality on Speedy Von Racist. In Amber's spot on that radio show, we learned more about little Johnny:
“My son takes martial arts classes. He’s been going to the gym for several years with his father. I mean, he’s been in the gym for a long time,” she said. “He got a little crazy. I don’t have to worry about him ever being bullied.”
She described the boy as an honor roll student and teacher’s pet. She said his martial arts teachers have taught him not to back down.
“My son is raised perfectly right. My son is perfectly well taken care of,” she told WZPL.
All due respect, unless there's a unit in his karate class on "bottle throwing" and "shit talking," I don't know how much he's really applying his karate skills, but it is good to know that Sinsei John Kreese is alive and well and living in central Indiana. NO MERCY…..
1:07 — And just when you thought this scene couldn't get anymore "Walmart," a dude wearing jorts and a wife beater tank top strolls into the background and just stands there watching. Because Walmart.
1:28 — JOHNNY IS DUMPING SHAMPOO IN SPEEDY'S FACE!!! Because apparently that's what they teach you at the Beech Grove Dojo. What you all didn't know is there's an alternate ending to The Karate Kid, where Johnny Lawrence thwarts Daniel Larusso's crane kick by spraying him in the face with a bottle of Prell.
And unfortunately, we cut away before we get to see the ending. So it looks like you all will have to tune into Monday Night RAW (live from the Home Depot in Muncie, IN!) to find out who won. I'm just fired up for the rematch next month when they have a Scooter Match, in which the winner is allowed to run over the loser with a Lazy Fat Person Motor Scooter.
Should be epic!!
Listen to Sean Pendergast on SportsRadio 610 from 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanTPendergast.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.