I was born 30 years too early.
As someone who's adapted his game pretty well to the social media/Internet age (as well as any 46-year-old I know), I always quietly believed this was the case. Now, I'll shout it from the rooftops. It's undeniable.
Here is why I am now screaming this....
Back when I was a teenager, I was a big pro wrestling fan. (As opposed to adulthood, in which I am a HUGE pro wrestling fan!) One of my best buddies growing up (and still in adulthood) is Rob Stone, who many of you know as the dynamite FOX studio host for college football and international soccer.
Stoner and I were both huge fans of old-school WWF. In junior high, our parents used to drop us off at the Hartford Civic Center so we could watch Bob Backlund defend his title against the likes of Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka and Blackjack Mulligan. (Is there a statute of limitations on people calling CPS on our parents?) We used to collect and swap the old-school Bill Apter wrestling magazines, too. And yes, we used to execute backyard WWF finishing moves on Stoner's younger sister, Cindy.
(Amazingly, "getting laid" was not all that high on our list of agenda items back then.)
Poor Cindy was the victim of more Hart Foundation clotheslines, Samoan drops and bags of salt thrown in her face than any 12-year-old girl deserved. Stoner and I even had our own tag team name that we'd unveil from time to time -- the Panasonic Fart Men!! We'd administer our finisher, the Gas Out, on Cindy like it was nobody's business! (Speaking of business, If an ambulance-chasing lawyer were driving by back then, he could've made a few million easily on the abuse poor Cindy took.)
Back in, say, 1984, what Stoner and I were doing was just fun backyard '80s shenanigans. We didn't even think to film it, mostly because the smallest video camera of that era cost about a semester's worth of college tuition and was the size of an Igloo cooler. And the Internet? That word didn't exist. (Al Gore was still in the laboratory, working on it.)
So we were never able to profit off of our hobby of trying to fake-maim Rob's little sister. Thirty years later, as it turns out, we might have been able to.
Meet Joe Weller, burgeoning YouTube sensation, who I can best describe as a combination of William Regal, Sheamus and Jonathan Lipnicki. He posted this video to YouTube on Monday.
Let's take a look....
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Confession: This video has more than seven million views as I type this, and I feel like I have four million of those. This is one of the greatest viral videos I've ever seen.
Mini-Zapruder time on this bad boy....
0:01 -- Joe cuts what I guess will be the "go home" promo for this feud. Not a lot of sizzle, basically an explanation that there is a girl who doesn't like his blue T-shirts, this makes him angry and now he must deal with it. Not exactly Mick Foley's "Cane Dewey" promo. But hey, we know what needs to happen now. THAT WOMAN MUST BE DEALT WITH...AND HARSHLY.
0:24 -- Innocently enough, a cute young girl seems to be checking the sturdiness of the lugnuts attaching the diving board to the pavement, when all the lights in the neighborhood go out (which means THE SUN JUST WENT OUT)....
0:25 -- ...BONG....BONG....
0:29 -- Okay, this video would've rated an 11.34 already on the YouTube Awesomeness Scale (YAS), even without dubbed-in WWE commentary, but this already feels like it's going to be better than every viral swimming-pool dunk video put together.
0:30 -- Multiple camera angles, more YAS bonus points!
0:37 -- Let me just say that the use of a swimming pool opens up all sorts of WWE finisher possibilities. Unfortunately, for Cindy Stone, we were executing most of the moves on her on concrete or very frozen backyards. I need to check with Rob to see if she's still walking.
0:43 -- Two different camera angles AND a slo-mo on the Batista bomb. And the young lady is selling it! She's like a female Spike Dudley!
0:57 -- Okay, now we get the John Cena Attitude Adjustment from multiple angles, and major bonus points for dubbing in WWE Hall of Fame announcer Jim Ross touting Cena's brute strength and somehow seamlessly blending it into the call of Mick Foley's tumble from the top of the cage at King of the Ring 1998 in his Hell In A Cell match with the Undertaker. This video has already clinched the Best Production Value Award at next year's Seanie Awards (my personal award that I just invented two seconds ago for mindless, viral video achievement).
0:58 -- By the way, when I emailed the link to this video to Jim Ross last night, his response was "Too bad Twitter doesn't pay royalties.....that'd help a brother out...)" The moral of the story is that Jim Ross is the best. Ever.
1:15 -- Okay, I'm not gonna lie, the young lady volunteering to take a standing suplex is fairly ballsy. That's putting a lot of trust in Joe Weller as a worker.
1:27 -- NOW she's taking a tombstone piledriver! She's the MVP of the company! She could have a five-star match with a broomstick, Mean Gene!!
1:35 -- Oh, here it comes....
1:39 -- RKO OUTTA NOWHERE.....
1:43 -- (me sitting at my computer) "THIS IS AWESOME.....clap clap clapclapclap ... THIS IS AWESOME ... clap clap clapclapclap....."
1:50 -- Wait, there's a second cute young lady! These chicks are like the Bella Twins of the Swimming Pool Wrestling Federation!! (By the way, if you want to know who they are, they're the Merrell twins, and you can visit their YouTube page here [LINK: https://www.youtube.com/user/merrelltwins]. Get in on them before they reach Joe Weller status!)
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1:55 -- When you meet twin hotties near a pool, there's only one thing to do...double DDT into the shallow end, bitches!
Who knows how many views Joe Weller will have on this video before it's all said and done. However many it is, I'm fairly certain he'll have monetized it, capitalized on it and moved on to his next venture. Meanwhile, Rob Stone and I, bruised and battered from our backyard '80s wrestling careers, brace for the day when we are both inevitably working for Joe Weller.
And poor Cindy Stone probably sits in her wheelchair somewhere eating her next meal through a straw. All for nothing.