Zapruder Video Analysis Of Drunk, Racist Aggie Fan Starting A Fight In An Airport
In the wake of Texas A&M's landscape-changing 29-24 win over the Alabama Crimson Tide this weekend, with his fame escalating from "local cult hero" to "full fledged Heisman candidate," Johnny Manziel and his family began the process on trademarking his catchy "Johnny Football" moniker.
Their motivation is clear and commendable -- with several rogue "Johnny Football" T-shirts already in circulation, going forward, the family wants the ability to control the message, the image, and the profit on any "Johnny Football" related product.
Unfortunately, even once the Manziels get the trademark rights nailed down, they won't have any control over who wears "Johnny Football" gear.
Which brings us to possibly the most deplorable, obnoxious Aggie drunkenly stumbling the earth...
Rice University Owls Football vs. Prairie View A&M University Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 22, 2:30pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. UCF Knights Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 29, 11:00am
Rice University Owls Football vs. Florida Atlantic University Owls Football
TicketsSat., Nov. 5, 2:30pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Tulane University Football
TicketsSat., Nov. 12, 11:00am
The video below was taken in the airport in New Orleans and involves a drunken Aggie (confirmed by several Aggies on Twitter that he is indeed a Class of '94 graduate) picking a fight with what appears to be a reasonable, sober, well dressed bystander, who happens to be African American.
According to the details on the original post of this video (courtesy of Deadspin), the melee below started over some spilled trail mix:
Johnny 'effing football flips out on the gate agent and this passenger tries to handle the situation. This all started over a bag of trail mix that the dude dumped on the counter and then refused to clean it up.
We don't get to see the actual spilling of the trail mix and the lead up to the fight, and that is frankly a bit of a shame. This video feels a little like you're jumping into the middle of a Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka and Roddy Piper match in 1984 and only hearing about Piper smacking Snuka upside the head with a coconut. It feels like a little something is missing. That said, things do escalate quickly...
0:02 -- Drunk Aggie Racist (heretofore referred to as "DAR") removes his far-too-tight fitting sport coat (which apparently is the race baiting, redneck version of Ric Flair's sequined ring robes) to reveal...well, more far-too-tight fitting shit -- a pair of jeans that look like they were swiped from a wiry seventh grade boy and a medium "JOHNNY FOOTBALL" T-shirt that doesn't come close to covering DAR's XL frame. Now, this is his 2012 ring attire, but many of you probably remember DAR when he fought under a white pillow case luchador mask as the Grand Wizard of the KKK.
0:03 -- Amazingly, in exactly four seconds, with two blatant n-bombs at the top of his lungs, DAR manages to rip the 2012 title of "Most Disgusting SEC Football Fan" from Brian Downing (the Alabama Teabagger), which Vegas had pretty much deemed impossible and taken off the board the second Downing's scrotum hit that LSU fan's face at the New Orleans Krystal Burger back in January. 2011 "Most Disgusting" winner Harvey Updike (the Auburn tree poisoner) is now left scrambling to rewrite his presentation speech at the College Football "Disgusting Fan" Awards show this season.
0:07 -- Immediately granted immunity to turn DAR's face into chopped hamburger under the "The second you are called a racial slur, you can kick a person's ass" rule, DAR's opponent (heretofore referred to as "The Truth," seems like a cool nickname for a guy who is the ultimate babyface of this viral video -- EVERYONE in this video wants him to kick DAR's ass. EVERYONE.) takes off his coat and begins deciding exactly which patch of surface area on DAR's face will receive a house call from his fist.
0:09 -- After the two n-bombs, DAR blurts out a one syllable growl which sounds like a gravelly, drunken spewing of the phrase "Sit down." "S'DOWWNNN..." DAR then gives The Truth double "permission to kick your ass" immunity by placing his hands on him and pushing both of his shoulders. Now, I'm no fighter, but if you're going to get in the first shot in a fight where every witness is going to place you as the instigator, you may want to come with more than a lame double shoulder push. Frankly, it wasn't even a push, it was more like a nudge. The nudge was like starting off the NBA Slam Dunk contest with a three foot floater.
0:10 -- The ticket agent behind the counter, anticipating what's about to go down, quickly sprints down the hallway to either (a) go get a security guard to Segway his fat ass over to this gate and stop the fight or (b) go get a referee so that these two can duke it out "hardcore rules" style. Whatever the case, ticket agent guy better hurry his ass up because....
0:11 -- IT'S ON! The Truth takes a swing at DAR and DAR doesn't so much duck the blow as he more kind of falls on his ass from his docksider shoes gripping the airport floor like it's covered in a sheet of Crisco.
0:15 -- With DAR barely equipped to deal with gravity at this point, much less an angry African American man whom he just called the n-word, The Truth gets in his one good shot, a swift right foot to DAR's face. Oddly enough, the kick to the face seemed to have the opposite effect on DAR as intended. The kick seemed to actually restore DAR's equilibrium and may have even added 10 points to his IQ (raising it barely above the Forrest Gump line on the intelligence chart).
0:19 -- DAR regains his balance and begins randomly bobbing and weaving, never a good sign when your strategy for dodging punches is some form of trial and error.
0:22 -- A couple of regular citizens step in between the fighters, which sadly eliminated the virtual certainty that The Truth would have left DAR in a puddle of his own blood with his face looking like it had been bludgeoned by a meat hammer. It also still leaves open the possibility that DAR will someday reproduce, provided he can find a woman who is blind, deaf, and a card carrying member of the Aryan Nations.
0:28 -- DAR tries to stumble back over to Truth for his "Thank you, sir, may I have another moment" but is cut off by one of the two samaritans. Appropriately, the peace maker cutting DAR off and saving him from an almost certain hospital visit looks like a miniature version of Taggart from Beverly Hills Cop.
0:46 -- The "authorities" (which in this case consists of a single airport security guard whose Cinnabon break was just rudely interrupted) arrive and DAR immediately begins a voluntary perp walk by placing his hands behind his back for handcuffs without even being asked. Clearly, DAR is no stranger to this process.
0:58 -- Production fail! The cameraman rotates coverage away from DAR, whose apprehension at this point consists of a stern "talkin' to" from a mall cop whose breath smells like a cross between vanilla frosting and iced coffee. After seven ironic seconds of disparaging the security guard for not doing his job, the cameraman finally regains focus and starts doing his again. Damn, cameraman. Focus.
1:07 -- I try to watch the exchange between Paul Blart, Airport Cop and DAR, but I'm distracted by the blue flashing lights on the front of the guard's Segway machine, which are nicer and more pronounced than lights on half the cop cars in Houston.
1:22 -- The video ends with the situation diffused, and unfortunately it ends with DAR still possessing all of his teeth, or at least the same number as he had before he picked a fight with The Truth.
After this video began making the Twitter rounds, pretty much every Aggie I follow or who follows me immediately (and correctly) denounced DAR for the piece of shit that he is. Many wanted to seek out the man who was the target of the slurs, invite him to the Missouri game, and show him that this guy was in no way a representative of A&M.
Additionally, I had a few Aggies send me links to some corners of the internet which outted the guy by name and even contained a link to an article about a fight the alleged racist ass clown got into in New Hampshire where he was arrested for pulling a knife. This loser getting into a knife pulling incident would explain two important things about this video:
1. DAR's ridiculously poor hand to hand combat techniques. No knife for DAR was clearly a big problem.
2. DAR's immediate default to the "cuff me, officer" pose. Like I said, dude had been in this spot before.
It still doesn't explain his jeans. Nothing will ever explain those jeans.
Anyway, Aggies, just know that we don't hold this guy against you. Every family has a deranged cousin that they which had never been born. This guy is your deranged cousin.
My only question is "What would this guy say to Kevin Sumlin if he met him in person?"
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.