Zodiac Change Day: Do Not Despair, Aquarius -- You're Not a Capricorn, No Matter What They Say
This is NOT the dawning of the age of Capricorn, dammit
Today is the first big change under the new astrology rules, or whatever they are that's riling up zodiac types.
January 20 is now the beginning of Capricorn, whereas it used to be the home of Aquarius. We're sure we're messing up the terminology, but the point is that as of today, Aquarius people are now Capricorns.
Assuming they believe the changes in the calendar, that is. And one person who definitely doesn't is Houston astrologer Figgy Jones.
We asked her to reassure frantic Aquarians, and she came through:
You're cruising along in life, unfazed by whatever the Crisis of the Moment is. Stock market crash? Yawn. Unemployment rates nearing the highest since The Great Depression? So friggin' what. Crazed mobs are using their grandmother's gold jewelry to pay for canned goods? Give me news I can use, you say.
You're an Aquarian: You tell the Universe to "bring it!" You delight in the unexpected. You're at your best in triage mode. You have chunks of Chaos Theory, bigger than the federal deficit, in your stool. And so on and so forth, until you learn of a little twist in your tidily untidy world that rocks even your boat: Some mofo out there has decreed you're a Capricorn.
Now that is a twist that will knock even the most staunch Aquarian catty-wampus.
Sure, both astrological signs are ruled by the planet Saturn, and you theoretically have more in common with Capricorns than you would ever dare admit.
But you're not dour, Spartan, tight-fisted, determined, constipated. You wouldn't trade your nephew to terrorists for a stable bank account (hell, you'd do it to use an iPad or even an iTouch for a week).
Being a good Aquarian - the sign that rules astrology, among other things - you know that there are 88 constellations and what are we supposed to do, give a circle more than 360 degrees in order to handle 75 more zodiac signs?
You also know that we all - no matter the birth sign -- change signs eventually, under a technique called secondary progressions, but we go forward, not backward (tea-baggers excepted, of course).
You as an Aquarian also know that, depending on your age and the date you were born, you may very well "be" a sign or two ahead of the Sun sign of your birth. But there's no way you're going backwards and demand that the top 1 percent wealthiest get the greatest tax cuts!! (Note to astrology students: It's not just tea-baggers who demand this craziest, it's also the Capricorns who've made it big.)
Now, my sweet little Aquarians, the Sun in the sky is coming up closer to your natal Sun sign, because it begins transiting the Aquarius constellation Thursday morning, Jan. 20, at 4:19 a.m. Aquarians unite! Oh, wait - that's the very definition of Aquarius, being all about the collective; that and technological gadgetry. Aquarians still may continue to be accused of - and often, rightly so -- "loving mankind and hating people."
Birthday party ideas for the Aquarian - who will remain an Aquarian, we promise -- in your life could include a Sex Toy Tupperware party with funds going towards clean water in Ghana. Hosts with a small budget but a huge guest list may opt for a circle jerk online instead.
But to find out for certain what your progressed sun is now, consult a professional astrologer. Readers, who's your favorite?
So there you go. We assume this is the definitive word on the subject.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
- State Charges Forward With Licensing Immigration Lockups as Childcare Facilities
Fri., Feb. 19, 8:00pm
Sat., Feb. 20, 1:00pm
Sat., Feb. 20, 7:00pm
Sun., Feb. 21, 6:00pm
- Man Jumps Into Buffalo Bayou Downtown, Feared Dead
- Wanna Make Sure You're Never in a Ted Cruz Ad? Take Off Your Clothes