AFC South Division

Then Tracy Porter Intercepted The Bag Of Money And Returned It

Photo courtesy FBI​ Wearing his gear proudly, this Indianapolis Colts fan robbed a bank inside a Randall's on FM 1960 Friday night. We assume he needed the cash to put down a boatload on the Colts giving four and a half."The photo clearly shows the Colts logo on the shirt as well as the large hand ... More >>

Game Time: Gary Kubiak's Contract Extension -- Move Along, There's Nothing To See Here

​A couple of years in, I'm finally starting to get the hang of this sports talk radio thing.  Basically, what you do is you fill four hours a day making issues in the sports world seem as though the fate of mankind rests on the outcome, choose the side which you think will save mankind, defen ... More >>

Magnolia City Mixtape: New Videos, 7-Inches, Poster Shows, National Blogpress... Enough to Make You Think We've Got an Actual Scene Around Here

Well, the Justice Department has approved the Live Nation/Ticketmaster monopoly merger. What does this mean for you, the average concertgoer? Well, even more inflation on the already-ridiculous $6 Lone Stars at House of Blues. Free Press Houston had a well-written cover story last spring about the ... More >>

A Scientific Comparison Of Indianapolis And New Orleans

​Even before Katrina, Houston was long a brother to New Orleans. Cars packed with revelers make that I-10 drive come Mardi Gras time, or whenever the urge hits.Katrina only cemented the bond. So with the Saints in the Super Bowl, as odd as those five words strung together may sound, we're firmly r ... More >>

Texans Could Learn Something From The Saints

​When the Houston Oilers split for Nashville, I found myself searching for a NFL team to adopt. As a native Houstonian, there was just no way that I could make myself a Dallas Cowboys fan. Especially if I wanted to keep my self-respect.I adopted the New Orleans Saints. The team had a lot of si ... More >>

Is Anyone Rooting For The Colts In The Super Bowl?

​Now that the NFL is down to two teams, the big question remains -- who the hell is going to be rooting for Indianapolis?Let's examine the options.The cities.On the one hand, you have a town (not a city) full of pasty Midwesterners, a burg that only has an NFL team because the owner of one of the ... More >>

How Far Did We Have to Scroll Down In the 2010 Pazz & Jop Poll to Find a Houstonian?

Congratulations, Slim Thug! Your album was Houston's biggest critical success last year... sort of.​Our sister paper in NYC's Cooper Square, the Village Voice, released its Pazz & Jop poll Thursday. The annual coast-to-coast survey of music critics ranks the previous year's best (according to ... More >>

Game Time: Come! Watch The Amazing Vince Young Water Down Matt Schaub's Pro Bowl Bid!

​For better or worse, the Texans are still at a stage in their history where they are experiencing some "exciting but for most teams not really extraordinary" things for the first time. This will happen when the first four years of your eight-year existence were spent being constructed by Char ... More >>

Texans Raise Ticket Prices Because....Because...Because They Can?

​Let's say you're the owner of the Houston Texans. And let's say your team just barely managed to eke out its first winning season despite playing against some of the worst teams in professional football. Let's say that, despite saying this summer that it was the playoffs or bust for the team, ... More >>

Magnolia City Mixtape: Be Hollywood F.L.O.S.S.'s Pen Pal, Roky Erickson Okkervil River, New Something Fierce 7" and Dave Wrangler Mashup

​ Ever wish you had a pen pal like Hollywood F.L.O.S.S. when you were a kid? He's been sending out a mixtape called Art-or-Fiscal Intelligence to various bloggers around the U.S. You can listen online or download here, and read some of the props he's been getting. Austinites Okkervil River re ... More >>

What's It Gonna Take To Get Gary Kubiak Fired?

Photo by Mark C. Austin​Before the football season, Houston Texans owner Bob McNair supposedly said that anything short of the playoffs for the team would be unacceptable. I say supposedly because here we are, in January, at the end of another non-playoff season, and not only is Gary Kubiak still ... More >>

Texans 34, Patriots 27: Progress But No Playoffs

Photo by Mark C. Austin​The Texans legitimately won nine games. The New York Jets legitimately won seven. The Texans displayed tremendous heart on Sunday in rallying past a Patriots team playing its starters and remaining aggressive almost throughout, while the Jets were given a handout for ... More >>

Game Time: At That Moment, Jerry....I Tell You, The Texans WERE A Playoff Team!

"So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment I was a marine bio ... More >>

Capsule Stage Reviews: A Fertle Holiday, O Little Town of Bagels, Teacakes, and Hamburger Bun, Panto Sleeping Beauty

Texans 27, Dolphins 20: So Close, Yet So Far

​One game. One of two missed Kris Brown field goals. One of two Chris Brown rushing attempts from a yard out. A ridiculous Chris Brown pass on first and goal in Jacksonville. Take away any of those -- just one -- and the Texans are most likely 9-6 and controlling their own playoff destiny hea ... More >>

Game Time: Texans Playoff Rooting Manifesto 3.0..."Jim Caldwell Sucks" Edition

​There will be no need for 2,000 words to explain the various permutations of things that need to happen this week for the Texans to make the 2009 NFL Playoffs. Thanks to the various dominoes falling yesterday, heading into Week 17, the following scenario needs to play out:-- Texans beat the Patri ... More >>

Sure, The Colts Screwed The Texans Yesterday. But You Can Get A Free Glass Of Champagne Because Of It!

​As our Sean Pendergast ably points out, the Indianapolis Colts gave a big eff-you to the Houston Texans yesterday, dealing the locals' playoff chances a deathblow. (Technically, the Texans' playoff hopes are alive, but they're as alive as David Carr's Hall of Fame candidacy.)The Colts called off ... More >>

Capsule Stage Reviews: A Christmas Carol, A Fertle Holiday, The Nutcracker, O Little Town of Bagels, Teacakes, and Hamburger Bun, Panto Sleeping Beauty

25 Texans Highlights Of The Decade

​As we come up on the end of the decade, I thought I would look back at some of the city's professional sports franchises and throw out some of their highlight moments. I figured I would start with the Houston Texans.1. February 18, 2002: The team's very first draft choice was in the expansion dra ... More >>

Texans 16, Rams 13: Staying Alive

​It's often noted how the difference between the 7-7 Texans and an 11-3 powerhouse is two Kris Brown kicks and two conversions of a single yard. Turns out, the difference between 7-7 and 1-13 isn't all that great, either. As the Texans seem to do in late-season road games where they're hea ... More >>

Game Time: Texans' Playoff-Rooting Manifesto 2.0

​"So you're saying there's a chance..."  -- Lloyd ChristmasA couple weeks ago, when the Texans were sitting at 5-6, I spent the better part of about four hours constructing an easy-to-follow guide for Texans fans to know whom to root for in games throughout the balance of the season in order ... More >>

We Don't Need Another Hero, If They're Going To Be Like This Guy

​Houston, we have a Hero in our midst. He, like most heroes, is disarmingly modest about his Death-Defying Exploits.But despite his best efforts, he has become nationally known.Tedd Petruna is, according to Talking Points Memo, a diver for NASA here in Houston. He also saved an AirTrans jet from c ... More >>

Slackfest '09

Game Time: Your Texans Playoff Rooting Manifesto, 2009 Edition...Yeah, You Heard Me!!

​The internet has been a wonderful invention. It's allowed us to do all of our Christmas shopping in our underwear, go to college in our underwear, hell even go to work in our underwear. Basically, it's allowed us to do a lot of things in our underwear that we never thought possible, including giv ... More >>

Stirred and Shaken: Ernie's on Banks's Krappy Kicker

Photo by Troy Fields​With apologies to those who had legitimately rough childhoods, the Houston Oilers damn near scarred me for life as a kid. I've actually blocked out some of the more traumatic episodes from my memory. Grim hospital visits, dead pets, divorce — all that stuff is clear, ... More >>

Sampler Plate: This Week In Food Blogs

Each week, we put together a sampler plate of the most interesting links from both local and national food blogs. Know a blog we should be paying particular attention to? Leave the address in the comments section below. Guns and Tacos: Jay discovers one of the most charming things about Alma Latin ... More >>

All I Want For Christmas Is A Football Coach

​Dear Santa Claus:I haven't asked much from you in the past few years. So since I've tried to be a good person, I'm hoping that you'll do me a solid and fulfill my wishes this Christmas. Especially since I'm not asking for Ashley Judd, like in the past, but since I'm asking for something that w ... More >>

The Draft Day Debate of 2006 Rages On, With The VY Guys Smiling Now

​Like a great many former Oilers fans with a concurrent Longhorn allegiance, I am no Houston Texans fan. I tried for a few years, right up until the 2006 draft. The selection of Mario Williams was it for me. I took a solemn vow then to never support the Texans until the McNair family relinquished ... More >>

The VY Guys Are Smiling Now

​Like a great many former Oilers fans with a concurrent Longhorn allegiance, I am no Houston Texans fan. I tried for a few years, right up until the 2006 draft. The selection of Mario Williams was it for me. I took a solemn vow then to never support the Texans until the McNair family relinquis ... More >>

Colts 35, Texans 27: At Least You Saw This One Coming

​The most alarming aspect in the latest installment of Texans collapses wasn't the game itself. Rather, what's most frightening is just how customary this has become under the leadership of head coach Gary Kubiak.In this week's edition, the lion's share of blame goes to quarterback Matt Schaub and ... More >>

Game Time: Thanksgiving Leftovers -- Longhorns Vs, Aggies, Sports-Talk Shuffle, Best Bets

​I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I want to belatedly thank everyone who listens to my show (3-7 weekdays on 1560 The Game, just in case), thank everyone who takes the time to read my posts here on Hair Balls, and thank all of the athletes, coaches, and fellow broadcasters who continu ... More >>

Titans 20, Texans 17: It's The Trenches, Stupid

​It would be easy to blame Kris Brown.It would be easy to chalk it up to an inspired homecoming performance by Vince Young. It would be easy to criticize several iffy playcalls by offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan and coach Gary Kubiak, including a decision to effectively kneel down before the f ... More >>

Game Time: Stop Me If You've Heard This Before -- So The Texans Are Going To Tie The Game....

​There are certain teams around the NFL where having the national stage all to themselves -- say, on a Thursday night, Sunday night, or especially on Monday night -- is seen as just another day at the office. To teams like the Colts, Patriots, Giants, and a handful of others, the prime-time stage ... More >>

Five Houston Monday Night Football Highlights

The Texans go nationwide tonight with a Monday Night Football match-up against the Tennessee Titans. MNF isn't what it used to be since moving to ESPN, but it's still a big deal.Houston, of course, has had some memorable moments on Monday night. Mostly involving the Oilers -- who are now the Titans ... More >>

Game Time: Texans Battle Titans Tonight In The Most Important Athletic Event In Our's Nation's History

​Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together." -- Kent Brockman, Channel 6, Springfield (The Simpsons)If you are wondering what "this" was in that quote, it was the Bart Simpso ... More >>

25 Things About The Texans-Titans Monday Night Match-Up

​For the second week in a row, it's homecoming week on Monday Night Football. This past Monday, it was the Baltimore Ravens returning to the place from which they came, Cleveland, to play the Browns. This coming Monday, the Tennessee Titans are returning to Houston to take on the Texans.With tha ... More >>

Game Time: The Larry Johnson Situation

​Every spring I bring my kids to the Blue-Gold spring football game at the University of Notre Dame. Most seasons, we purchase tickets to that event that allow us (and several hundred other Notre Dame fans) to have breakfast with the team, and then meet all of the players in an exclusive autograp ... More >>

Why The Texans Losing Owen Daniels Isn't As Bad As You Think

Photo courtesy of Brit_2​For most teams, a season-ending injury to arguably the NFL's best receiving tight end would be considered a devastating loss. But to the Texans, the absence of Owen Daniels may not be all that significant. Sure, Sunday's come-from-behind, 31-10 romp over Buffalo was ... More >>

The Texans: Mission Not Quite Accomplished

​Perhaps it was appropriate that the former president Bushes were in attendance for yesterday's Houston Texans game. Especially Bush the Younger. Because just as the Younger stood on an aircraft carrier with a "Mission Accomplished" banner displayed proudly behind him long before the mission was ... More >>

Game Time: Inside The Mind Of The Houston Texans Fan

​Pretty much every social instinct I employ comes from George Costanza of Seinfeld fame.  (... and yes, the fact that it's been 11-plus years since the Seinfeld finale means I officially have to remind people who George Costanza was.)*"Whatever your instincts tell you to do, do the opposite." ... More >>

Texans Finally Put Two Halves Together; Defense Finds Pulse

​After three weeks of the season, the Texans were on a pace to allow more total yards and more yards rushing than any team in NFL history.So who the hell are these guys? And more importantly, have the guys calling the shots figured something out?The Texans' defense pitched a third consecutive ... More >>

Texans Refuse To Lose Easily, Instead Opting To Rip Your Heart Out

​Now these are the Houston Texans we've grown to know and not love.A week after uncharacteristically taking care of business in a game they were supposed to do so against Oakland, the Texans laid an egg in the desert on Sunday, losing 28-21 to Arizona. But of course, that only tells part of the st ... More >>

At Long Last, Texans Play According to Plan

​For a franchise that has spent its entire existence searching for signs of turning a corner, the Texans on Sunday showed as many as they ever have. On the field, the Texans did what they never seem to do - win big in a game they're supposed to, routing the hapless Raiders 29-6 at Reliant St ... More >>

The Fines The Texans Should Be Handing Out

Photo by William Holtkamp​According to the Houston Chronicle, Texans defensive back Dunta Robinson was fined by the team for wearing shoes that had the words "Pay Me Rick" written on them. This was part of Robinson voicing his continued displeasure at the Texans for not paying him what he thinks h ... More >>

"Kill Yourself" or "Don't Give Up"? Five Possible Theme Songs for the 2009 Houston Texans

[Ed. note: Due to an editing mistake, this should have been up Friday afternoon. Apologies... we sure hope it didn't jinx the Texans or anything.] ​You may have missed it - what with there being almost no media coverage whatsoever - but football season started this week. Our own Texans are looking ... More >>

Playoffs? Playoffs? We Just Hope The Texans Can Win A Game

​In all of three hours, the hot topic of the 2009 Texans season might have transitioned from whether they can make the playoffs to whether they can lure Bill Cowher, Mike Shanahan or Jon Gruden as head coach come January.Remember the Texans' dynamic offense? The league's third-best unit a year ago ... More >>

15 Things To Watch For This Texans Season, And A Prediction

​I can't put it off any longer. The Texans season starts on Sunday. So I guess I better get my act together and get my thoughts about the upcoming season on the record before kickoff. So here goes.1. Some good news: The offense returns many of the key players that made the offense the third best i ... More >>

Lunch at Le Mistral

Photos by J.C. Reid​Houstonians have a peculiar relationship with French restaurants. Many Houstonians (and many Texans and Americans) cast a suspicious glance toward anything French. During the 2004 Presidential election, an anonymous source in the George W. Bush campaign remarked that oppone ... More >>

Some (Few) Good Things Emerge From Texans' Monday-Night Loss

​It's never truly Texans season until there's the first Matt Schaub injury scare. This year, it came before the season even started -- when the Texans' QB ran out of bounds and turned his left ankle in Monday night's 17-10 preseason loss to the Vikings.But Schaub recovered, and so did the Texans, ... More >>

Dear Sir: Your Criticism Of The Texans Proves You Are A Male Homosexual

​Our cover story this week is on the Houston Texans, and their seemingly unquenchable urge to toy with the hearts of local football fans. Alas, we could not bring ourselves to feel optimistic about the coming season, and presented a history of the team to demonstrate why. Instead, according to o ... More >>