Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln: A Tall, Tall Film

Daniel Day-Lewis and Steven Spielberg ably fill the hat.

Bronco Bama For The Win: Your Election Night 2012 Live Blog & Comment Feed

"There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth or something I guess..." -- Luke 13:28, A Copy Of The Bible I Swiped From A Hotel Room Hello and welcome to Hair Balls' election night live blog and comment, where tonight I will be chronicling the mania of the 2012 presidential ... More >>

A Gallery Of U.S. Presidents Working On Their Fitness

I don't know about you guys, but when I looked at the crop of Republican presidential candidates about a year ago, as the media and primary wars waged on, I could only think about what they would look like jogging or working out. It's a hidden hot-button issue. Depraved, mindless people like me vote ... More >>

Why Juneteenth Is The Coolest Holiday

Today is Juneteenth, a celebration that began in Texas but has spread across the country as a celebration of black culture. It is the coolest national holiday, for five reasons: 5. The name itself Thank God it's not known as The 19th of June, or even the other proposed names, like the clunky Emanc ... More >>

5 Bands Abraham Lincoln Would Have Been Into

If he had not been assassinated 147 years ago, Abraham Lincoln would be having a pretty good year. In an already rancorous election campaign, our 16th president remains the ideal of statesmanship, common sense and decency in the Oval Office, virtues all but alien in modern-day Washington. This Frida ... More >>

Whitest Kids U Know

A Talk With the Ban-Happy Head of the "We Survived Bush, You Will Survive Obama" Facebook Page

This interview was conducted via e-mail and Facebook after the author was banned from the We Survived Bush, You Will Survive Obama Facebook group for questioning the veracity of a quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln. Jef With One F: Thank you for lifting the comment ban. Lou Colagiovanni: Appare ... More >>

How I Got Banned from the "We Survived Bush, You Will Survive Obama" Facebook Page

When I started following the popular We Survived Bush, You Will Survive Obama page I did so because I liked the sentiment it seemed to project of telling the doomsayers to breathe into a bag, pull on their big-girl panties and stop saying that the world was ending because of Obama's election. I was ... More >>

2012 Summer Guide: Summer Movie Preview

For President's Day: The Best Movie Portrayals of 15 Presidents

Portraying presidents on screen is always tricky. Crass imitation makes the thing look like a comedy skit, but completely ignoring the mannerisms and voice that people know doesn't work either. There have been some laughingly inept acting jobs when it comes to the 44 people who have been the countr ... More >>

Cinema Slap Fight: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter vs. FDR: American Badass

Editor's Note: Please congratulate Jef With One F for breaking the record for number of colons used in a Houston Press headline. Two presidents both alike in regard and respect, in fair Internet, where we store our trailers for upcoming films featuring chief executives that combat supernatural evil ... More >>

Emancipation Proclamation

Oscar Categories That We Wish Existed

By now you have all seen this year's Oscar nominations, released yesterday, in Beverly Hills, California. Nine films were nominated for Best Picture, including Hugo, Moneyball, War Horse, The Artist, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Help, Midnight in Paris and The Tree of Life. Fun stuff, espe ... More >>

Miley Cyrus Has Company: Some Surprising Pot Smokers

​Miley Cyrus' 19th birthday party was taped and the video revealed her admission that she is a stoner. On her 18th birthday, Cyrus was filmed smoking salvia. This upset fans, but it especially upset parents. No parent wants to see their child's Disney idol bragging about puffing the magic dr ... More >>

Red Light Camera Ban Tossed Out

Red light cameras: Status back to "up in the air."​A federal judge has thrown out the city's ban on red light cameras because it came from a referendum, not a charter amendment. U.S. District Judge Lynn Hughes said the changes mandated by voters last November were not valid -- they could only ... More >>

Comment of the Day: Even Andrew Jackson's Parrot Was Bad-Ass

​We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning, from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involv ... More >>

Five Presidents Who Could Kick Chuck Norris's Ass

Abe Lincoln: Let's get rrrrready to rrrrumble​In our continuing series of scholarly meditations on the United States Presidency, we now bring you a list of five presidents who could kick the crap out of Chuck Norris. Of note: only one of the top five served after 1908, although two honorable m ... More >>

Presidential Offspring: Seven Very Odd Outcomes of White House Fathers

Chester Arthur III: Gay liberation leader and sex astrologer​Having a president for a father is not easy: The roster of children born to America's chief executives is rife with alcoholics, suicides and failures. Some, of course, thrive. But still, there are oddities. Here are five (Bonus: Two ... More >>

Lincoln Memorial

Redford helms another dull history lesson.

Pop Rocks: By the Dumb's Early Light

Apu chose an alternate path to citizenship​There's a scene in The American President -- Aaron Sorkin's pre-West Wing exercise in wishful liberalism -- when President Shepherd (Michael Douglas) describes America as "advanced citizenship." It's a nice thought, especially in the fantastical conte ... More >>

Four Hip-Hop Tattoos Gone Very, Very Wrong

celebritytattoogallery.com​People get tattoos for a number of reasons: to commemorate someone or something special, to make a statement, to remind themselves of who they are, or as a consequence of a drunken night out with friends. Whatever the motivation, tattoos always draw attention. Oh, a ... More >>

Capsule Stage Reviews: 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, A Life in the Theatre/Tuesdays with Morrie, Always...Patsy Cline, Boeing-Boeing, The Complete History of America (Abridged), Cuckoos

Fear of Ducks, Tomfoolery

Raekwon The Chef Can't Cook Up A Delicious Performance

Photos by Marco Torres​Rap is a cultural celebration of telling, through music, what it is real today, right now; not what was real two years ago as happened on June 19, 1865 when word finally reached Galveston that President Lincoln had freed the slaves... two years previous. At midnight on ... More >>

Capsule Stage Reviews: The Complete History of America (Abridged), The Girl, The Grouch, and The Goat, Panic

The Complete History of America (Abridged)

See the story of the U.S. smashed into just 90 minutes

Aftermath: Devin The Dude's Fragrant 4/20 Party At Warehouse Live

Photos by Marco Torres​ Click here for a slideshow from the concert. Aftermath had high hopes for Devin the Dude's 4/20 concert at Warehouse Live, even though we've already seen Devin at that same exact venue performing mostly the same songs. The difference is that this is a 4/20 concert. That dif ... More >>

Fort Bend, You Could Have Had A "Patrick Swayze Elementary"

​Fort Bend is opening a new elementary, and they threw open the naming process. Three dozen suggestions came in.Some were old school: Abraham Lincoln Elementary. Honest Abe doesn't tend to get many things named after him these days outside of Illinois.Hillary Clinton Elementary? It would have ... More >>

Waiting Room: The Brand-New Health-Care Package Needs Its Own Soundtrack

​This past week, the health-care reform debate reached an end, as the bill was passed by Congress Sunday night and signed into law by President Barack Obama on Tuesday. At stake was the health and well-being of millions of uninsured Americans who now stand to be covered by socialized governmen ... More >>

Topdog/Underdog

Black Box Series makes its Houston debut

Artist of the Week: Soundtrack-Ready Alt-Folk Quintet Red November

Each Wednesday, Rocks Off arbitrarily appoints one lucky local performer or group "Artist of the Week," bestowing upon them all the fame and grandeur such a lofty title implies. Know a band or artist that isn't awful? Email their particulars to sheaserrano@gmail.com.Photos by Barry Dolton​ For thi ... More >>

Halloween Countdown: Fool-Proof Last-Second Inspirations

This is the final post in our series of articles offering Halloween costume advice. Check out the other four entries here, here, here and here. You've been too busy to run by Frankel's, Party Boy or even Wal-Mart to start formulating your Halloween costume this year. No ideas have jumped out at yo ... More >>

Houston Homeless Get Their Own, Unofficial Library

Photo courtesy CHOMThe people at the Beacon can use a good distraction. Since the start of the new year, the homeless day center has seen a 20 to 30 percent increase in clients as more people fall victim to the worsening economy. Tracy Burnett, the director at Cathedral Health and Outreach Ministr ... More >>

Sam Houston's Not The First Politician To Be In A Cheesy Ad

If you needed any more evidence that Comcast was an agent of evil on par with Al Qaeda or whomever makes those peanut-butter-filled pretzels, look no further than the cable company's inescapable local commercials featuring Sam Houston. The former Texas President/Governor is shown engaging in a varie ... More >>

Don’t Blame Me. I Voted for the Duck.

A Modest Proposal: Teach the Gangbangers Respect

“African American Battlefields of the Civil War: Contemporary Photography by William Earle Williams”

The MFAH hosts an exhibit of more than 50 photographs of the remains of black colonial sites

Over the Weekend: Bar Hopping and Political Posturing

Hand It to Him

Pop Rocks

"Power Pathos" presents pop surrealism with Texas ties

Emancipation Jam

Oh, Maya!

Bombs and Bikinis

Stealth aims low but hits its mark

Fortunate Son

Sahara has no reason to exist, until you see who made it

Best Actor

Oh, Brother

Two siblings named Lincoln and Booth battle it out in Topdog/Underdog

The Whole Package

Medicine Show is packed with talent, youth, and charm

The Critical Craftsman

H.C. Westermann was the quintessential American artist

Rebmaster

Web designer George Kalas wanted to re-fight the Civil War. Instead, he started one in his own movement.

The Rite Stuff

Arming Peggy MacGregor

Why is this winsome public sculpture, created by Mount Rushmore's sculptor, languishing in disrepair? And where is her arm?