Chuck Norris

  • Blogs

    March 3, 2014

    J.J. Watt Flips 1000 Pound Tires as His Cool Down

    No, I'm serious. This isn't one of those Chuck Norris deals. I'm not going to make a much of wisecracks about how Superman wears J.J. Watt pajamas or how the Boogeyman looks under his bed for J.J. Watt or how the dark is afraid of J.J. Watt. All true statements probably, but that's not my intent. ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 2, 2013

    Riff Raff at Warehouse Live, 12/1/2013

    Riff Raff Warehouse Live December 1, 2013 Just after 11:30 p.m. Sunday night, the modest crowd at Warehouse Live began to grow restless. An hour had passed since a rapper had graced the stage, and grumbles began to be exchanged. Luckily, Houston's own Edgar "DjChop-e" Miranda was able to placate fa ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 18, 2013

    Rockshow: Paul McCartney's First Marathon, But Not His Last

    Rockshow Paul McCartney and Wings Eagle Vision, 139 mins., $29.98 DVD/$34.98 Blu-ray According to, the act that owned last weekend's Bonnaroo Festival was not some hirsute jam band, plaintive female singer-songwriter, or preppy indie-rockers, but a guy that much of the world has l ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 30, 2013

    JaMarcus Russell Is Reportedly (Relatively) Svelte, and the NFL May Be Interested

    As the trail of the NFL offseason winds through Organized Team Activities and training camp draws closer and closer, I am getting more and more nervous about my NFL quarterback-related bet that I have with my co-host John Granato. To refresh you memory, the bet goes like this: True or false: Out o ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 27, 2012

    License Plate Auction for Something Similar to But Not TEXANS

    The Great Plate Auction of 2013 has released yet another custom plate option to be auctioned off in a couple weeks. We already wrote about HOUSTON, DYNAMO and ROCKETS. Now, you can have...TEXAN5? They even got a quote from Jamey Roots of the Houston TexanS about how great having this plate would be ... More >>

  • Film

    November 22, 2012

    Christ, It's Another "Red Dawn"

    North Korea (and audiences) go home unhappy.

  • Blogs

    August 22, 2012

    Lubbock County Judge Tom Head: Raise My Salary, Or Face Wrath of Obama's UN Minions UPDATED: with Judge Head's "Clarification"

    Panhandle politicos. Just when you think they can't get any crazier, they keep talking. Case in point: Lubbock County judge Tom Head. On Monday night, flanked by Lubbock County Commissioner Mark Heinrich, Head went on Lubbock's FOX TV affiliate and warned the flatlanders of the dire consequences of ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 19, 2012

    5 Bands Abraham Lincoln Would Have Been Into

    If he had not been assassinated 147 years ago, Abraham Lincoln would be having a pretty good year. In an already rancorous election campaign, our 16th president remains the ideal of statesmanship, common sense and decency in the Oval Office, virtues all but alien in modern-day Washington. This Frida ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 13, 2012

    Lionel Richie Vs. Chuck Norris: Who Would Win?

    So far the musical comeback of the year has been Lionel Richie, hands down. Last week the Alabama-born crooner's new album in three years, Tuskegee, debuted at No. 2 on the Billboard 200 with sales of almost 200,000 copies. According to The Hollywood Reporter, if about 185,000 copies of Madonna's MD ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 17, 2012

    Logan Warren: East Texas Dude Gets Most Expensive Starbucks Drink Ever

    They say everything's bigger in Tex -- NO, we cannot bring ourselves to write that. But a Nacogdoches dude went big when he got a gift card for a free Starbucks drink. Logan Warren says he spent "about a half-hour with a laughing barista" working up the recipe, and they came up with a $23.60 concoc ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 12, 2012

    Pop Rocks: Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Gina Carano

    Who doesn't love a woman with an Uzi? Oh, right: the Palestinians.​Steve Soderbergh, the director of Sex, Lies, and Videotape, Traffic, and The Limey has always had an experimental streak. This has come out particularly in recent years, with a remake of Solaris, something called The Girlfriend ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 25, 2011

    Gulf Coast Diving at the Poop Deck

    "Where elite meet in bare feet," looking east off the deck.​I once overheard someone ask a Poop Deck (2928 Seawall) bartender whether the Galveston dive had any happy hour specials. The bartender, like every one I've seen in person at this place or pictured on its matchbooks, was dressed in a ... More >>

  • Blogs

    July 25, 2011

    Behold, The Ridiculous LeBron James Tattoo (and 5 Other Ridiculous Tattoos Of Celeb Faces)

    Who would ever regret this?​I've never understood the whole "tattoo" thing. From the time I was a kid when a tattoo (or set of tattoos) pretty much meant you were either a) a social outcast, b) in some sort of fratenrity, or c) in the service), the concept of drilling yourself with a painful ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 9, 2011

    Pop Rocks: Twilight vs. Harry Potter And 9 Other Geek Throwdowns

    Still the only crossover I'd pay to see.​Anyone watch the MTV Movie Awards? Anyone? I didn't think so, mostly because I suspect the majority of Hair Balls/Art Attack readers are over the age of 12. And while I have no intention of revisiting the whole "'Music?"Television line of jokes, I did ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 17, 2011

    Pop Rocks: Trump's Out -- Bridging the 2012 Asshole Gap

    Now we'll never know what his currency would have looked like.​With apologies to Richard Adams: My heart has joined the Thousand. Donald Trump stopped running today: "After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the presidency," Trump announced in ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 29, 2011

    Comment of the Day: Even Andrew Jackson's Parrot Was Bad-Ass

    ​We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning, from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involv ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 28, 2011

    Five Presidents Who Could Kick Chuck Norris's Ass

    Abe Lincoln: Let's get rrrrready to rrrrumble​In our continuing series of scholarly meditations on the United States Presidency, we now bring you a list of five presidents who could kick the crap out of Chuck Norris. Of note: only one of the top five served after 1908, although two honorable m ... More >>

  • Music

    April 21, 2011
  • Blogs

    March 22, 2011

    William Shatner's Greatest Hits: The Man Transformed

    ​Rocks Off would like to wish a very happy 80th birthday to the one and only Mr. William Shatner. He may not be the best actor out there, or the best singer, but he is without a doubt the best William Shatner there ever was or ever will be. The way he has totally erased the line between sincer ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 18, 2011

    NCAA Day One -- Winners and Losers

    Need some downtime for the NCAA tourney? Try a vasectomy.​Yes, you read that headline correctly -- yesterday was "Day One" of the NCAA Tournament. Not Tuesday! Despite what the NCAA propaganda machine will tell you, the greatest single two-week period of sports during the calendar year is not ... More >>

  • Film

    March 17, 2011

    Planet of the Aping

    Too much sci-fi, not enough SNL in Paul.

  • Blogs

    December 2, 2010

    Chuck Norris: Rick Perry Reveals His True Superpower, And It's Boring

    Chuck Norris approved this deadly dull message​If you've noticed yourself sitting up a little straighter today, it's because you are proud to live in a state that honors Chuck Norris by naming him an honorary Texas Ranger. Not the baseball team. Governor Rick Perry did the deed today, and hi ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 26, 2010

    The Ballad Of Randy Quaid

    Hopefully he learned a few tricks in Midnight Express.​Americans, as a people, are fascinated by stories of outlaws. English bandit Robin Hood has been dead for 500 years (give or take) and they're still making crappy movies about him. And the Old West remains a fertile ground for tales of rom ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 21, 2010

    Chuck Norris Officially A Texas Ranger, Finally

    We have to admit, the above Keyboard Cat clip contains the only footage of Walker, Texas Ranger we have ever seen.But the great and august government of Texas must have seen more, for today they officially voted to make Chuck Norris an honorary Texas Ranger.

  • Blogs

    March 11, 2010

    Pop Rocks: Happy Birthday, Chuck Norris

    Amidst all the...sincere mourning for the death of Corey Haim (I'm sure you were all huge fans of 2007's Universal Groove) and renewed brouhaha over AnisBut and their celebrated W Magazine cover (in which the two look like survivors from The Hills Have Eyes), people seem to have forgotten the real ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 15, 2010

    Five Spot: Trae's Brother Jay'Ton's Got It by Tha Ton Mixtape

    Welcome back to Five Spot. Every Friday, we'll examine a recent bit of music news and, sometimes awkwardly, tie it to a bit of Houston rap. It's five videos and occasional cussing. Send tips to ​ Since just about the oblivions, Jay'Ton, little brother to Trae, has ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 22, 2009

    Pop Rocks: Your George Bailey-Free Christmas Viewing List

    Christmas, Christmas time is here. Time for ulcers to bleed freely and the roughly 22 percent of the U.S. population who identify themselves as "other than Christian" to smile through clenched jaws and wait for the adult contemporary stations to stop playing Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Claus is Comin ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 11, 2009

    Artist of the Week: Country Store Buffalo on Breast Implants, Beer-Drinking Bison and That Old Devil Cocaine

    Each Wednesday, Rocks Off arbitrarily appoints one lucky local performer or group "Artist of the Week," bestowing upon them all the fame and grandeur such a lofty title implies. Know a band or artist that isn't awful? Email their particulars to​ You are in the enviable ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 9, 2009

    Dynamo Advance, Thanks To A Brian Ching Goal

    Photo courtesy Houston Dynamo​The Houston Dynamo found themselves in familiar territory Sunday evening, one step closer to the MLS Cup. After their 1-0 overtime victory against the Seattle Sounders FC, the Dynamo advanced to the Western Conference Finals.Sunday's game was the second leg of a two-g ... More >>

  • Calendar

    October 22, 2009

    Found Footage Festival

    Discarded home movies get the attention they always wished they’d had

  • Blogs

    August 20, 2009

    Paul Wall, Jamie Kennedy and Chuck Norris Help Mattress Mack Find His Inner Gangsta

    It's been a rough summer over at Gallery Furniture, what with a former employee being arrested for torching the local home-furnishing superstore's warehouse. But we all know plucky owner Jim "Mattress Mack" McIngvale isn't going to let losing the lion's share of Gallery's inventory get him down any ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 11, 2009

    What You'll Be Missing Tomorrow If You Don't Get Your Digital-Converter TV Box

    The Great Digital TV Revolution occurs tomorrow, and Hair Balls is worried for those of you still clinging to your rabbit ears and MacGyvered-aluminum-foil towers. While we applaud those who have drawn a line in the sand and refused to feed the cable and satellite beasts, we urge you to get a govern ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 5, 2009

    Sweet Carradine: Five Great Moments From His Career

    It must be hell out there for a Hollywood actor. Not only is every role dissected by fans and eviscerated by critics, but no aspect of your personal life or fashion sense is left unexamined. And you'd better hope you die in as unexciting a manner as possible, lest your demise generate greater notor ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 24, 2009

    Three Of A Strange Kind At The Bush Library

    Good Lord, what a trio in this lede from a press release: "George Bush, 41st President of the United States, will present the [Drayton] McLane Leadership in Business Award to Chuck Norris in recognition of Mr. Norris's achievements as a martial arts legend, entrepreneur, and humanitarian."It goes on ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 19, 2009

    Congratulations, Houston: We Were Smart Enough To Understand Those Dos Equis Ads

    Here's something we didn't know -- those Dos Equis' ads, the ones featuring the "Most Interesting Man in the World" urging us to "Stay thirsty, friends"? We here in Houston have been among the select few seeing them.As ads, they're unusual enough to catch attention -- the grizzled face of the guy, h ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 16, 2008

    Five Christmas Movies Guaranteed To Get Rid Of Unwanted Guests

    Holiday season is in full swing, and soon our homes will be filled with family members we've been successfully avoiding for the last 11 months, many of whom will wear out their welcomes before their Members Only jacket hits the pile on the bed. We in the media may be secular humanists with no regard ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 3, 2008

    Can LBJ Kick Chuck Norris' Ass?

    We all know the facts about Chuck Norris:Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.We know all that. What we ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 18, 2008

    Texas Horror Movies: The Top Five

    We Texans live with our share of horrors: fire ants, Rick Perry, residents of Plano, but this entry was still something of a challenge. After all, coming up with Texas horror movies without invoking the one that actually has the name of our state in the title is harder than successfully suing local ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 11, 2008
  • Blogs

    July 21, 2008

    Paul Wall, Jamie Kennedy and "Mattress Mack" Pimp Some Furniture

    Since the days of Houston Wrestling late weekend nights on Channel 39, Houstonians have known there's absolutely nothing Jim "Mattress Mac" McIngvale won't do to "Save... You... Money!" And as Mac's Gallery Furniture empire has grown, so has his willingness to go to any lengths necessary to keep fee ... More >>

  • Home Entertainment

    May 29, 2008

    Super Cardio Bros. with Wii Fit

    Helping the world forget we once loved Thigh Masters, too

  • Culture

    February 14, 2008
  • Blogs

    January 7, 2008

    Chuck and Huck, Sittin’ in a Tree…

    So Walker, Texas Ranger has a boyfriend, and his name is Mike Huckabee. Seriously folks, is anyone else out there slightly stunned and somewhat befuddled by the strange love affair taking place between the Republican candidate for Prez and the guy who made “Sidekicks”? I don’t suppose it sho ... More >>

  • Music

    September 27, 2007

    Houston's Ten Worst Songs

    and we're still not as bad as Dallas

  • Film

    April 19, 2007

    Hot Fuzz

    You liked Shaun of the Dead? Then Hot Fuzz will bust a cap in your arse

  • Film

    January 16, 2003

    Toss It Outback

    Kangaroo Jack is a real punch in the pouch

  • News

    May 2, 2002

    You Don't Know Mac

    Get your recliner and No. 2 pencil

  • News

    February 1, 2001

    Overblown and Underrated

    So you know Houston's goats, heroes and high points? Think again.

  • News

    May 6, 1999
  • News

    August 22, 1996
  • More >>