Chuck Norris

License Plate Auction for Something Similar to But Not TEXANS

The Great Plate Auction of 2013 has released yet another custom plate option to be auctioned off in a couple weeks. We already wrote about HOUSTON, DYNAMO and ROCKETS. Now, you can have...TEXAN5? They even got a quote from Jamey Roots of the Houston TexanS about how great having this plate would be ... More >>

Christ, It's Another "Red Dawn"

North Korea (and audiences) go home unhappy.

Lubbock County Judge Tom Head: Raise My Salary, Or Face Wrath of Obama's UN Minions UPDATED: with Judge Head's "Clarification"

Panhandle politicos. Just when you think they can't get any crazier, they keep talking. Case in point: Lubbock County judge Tom Head. On Monday night, flanked by Lubbock County Commissioner Mark Heinrich, Head went on Lubbock's FOX TV affiliate and warned the flatlanders of the dire consequences of ... More >>

5 Bands Abraham Lincoln Would Have Been Into

If he had not been assassinated 147 years ago, Abraham Lincoln would be having a pretty good year. In an already rancorous election campaign, our 16th president remains the ideal of statesmanship, common sense and decency in the Oval Office, virtues all but alien in modern-day Washington. This Frida ... More >>

Lionel Richie Vs. Chuck Norris: Who Would Win?

So far the musical comeback of the year has been Lionel Richie, hands down. Last week the Alabama-born crooner's new album in three years, Tuskegee, debuted at No. 2 on the Billboard 200 with sales of almost 200,000 copies. According to The Hollywood Reporter, if about 185,000 copies of Madonna's MD ... More >>

Logan Warren: East Texas Dude Gets Most Expensive Starbucks Drink Ever

They say everything's bigger in Tex -- NO, we cannot bring ourselves to write that. But a Nacogdoches dude went big when he got a gift card for a free Starbucks drink. Logan Warren says he spent "about a half-hour with a laughing barista" working up the recipe, and they came up with a $23.60 concoc ... More >>

Pop Rocks: Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Gina Carano

Who doesn't love a woman with an Uzi? Oh, right: the Palestinians.​Steve Soderbergh, the director of Sex, Lies, and Videotape, Traffic, and The Limey has always had an experimental streak. This has come out particularly in recent years, with a remake of Solaris, something called The Girlfriend ... More >>

Gulf Coast Diving at the Poop Deck

"Where elite meet in bare feet," looking east off the deck.​I once overheard someone ask a Poop Deck (2928 Seawall) bartender whether the Galveston dive had any happy hour specials. The bartender, like every one I've seen in person at this place or pictured on its matchbooks, was dressed in a ... More >>

Behold, The Ridiculous LeBron James Tattoo (and 5 Other Ridiculous Tattoos Of Celeb Faces)

Who would ever regret this?​I've never understood the whole "tattoo" thing. From the time I was a kid when a tattoo (or set of tattoos) pretty much meant you were either a) a social outcast, b) in some sort of fratenrity, or c) in the service), the concept of drilling yourself with a painful ... More >>

Remember D-Risha's Big Trouble In Houston, Texas?

Houston's history is dotted with albums that, fairly or un, have been swept aside. We'll examine them here. Have an album that you think nobody knows about but should? Email sheaserrano@gmail.com. ​D-Risha Big Trouble In Houston, Texas (Self-released, 2011) D-Risha: Rapper. Allegiance: Nor ... More >>

Pop Rocks: Twilight vs. Harry Potter And 9 Other Geek Throwdowns

Still the only crossover I'd pay to see.​Anyone watch the MTV Movie Awards? Anyone? I didn't think so, mostly because I suspect the majority of Hair Balls/Art Attack readers are over the age of 12. And while I have no intention of revisiting the whole "'Music?"Television line of jokes, I did ... More >>

Pop Rocks: Trump's Out -- Bridging the 2012 Asshole Gap

Now we'll never know what his currency would have looked like.​With apologies to Richard Adams: My heart has joined the Thousand. Donald Trump stopped running today: "After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the presidency," Trump announced in ... More >>

Comment of the Day: Even Andrew Jackson's Parrot Was Bad-Ass

​We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning, from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involv ... More >>

Five Presidents Who Could Kick Chuck Norris's Ass

Abe Lincoln: Let's get rrrrready to rrrrumble​In our continuing series of scholarly meditations on the United States Presidency, we now bring you a list of five presidents who could kick the crap out of Chuck Norris. Of note: only one of the top five served after 1908, although two honorable m ... More >>

Yelle

William Shatner's Greatest Hits: The Man Transformed

​Rocks Off would like to wish a very happy 80th birthday to the one and only Mr. William Shatner. He may not be the best actor out there, or the best singer, but he is without a doubt the best William Shatner there ever was or ever will be. The way he has totally erased the line between sincer ... More >>

NCAA Day One -- Winners and Losers

Need some downtime for the NCAA tourney? Try a vasectomy.​Yes, you read that headline correctly -- yesterday was "Day One" of the NCAA Tournament. Not Tuesday! Despite what the NCAA propaganda machine will tell you, the greatest single two-week period of sports during the calendar year is not ... More >>

Planet of the Aping

Too much sci-fi, not enough SNL in Paul.

Chuck Norris: Rick Perry Reveals His True Superpower, And It's Boring

Chuck Norris approved this deadly dull message​If you've noticed yourself sitting up a little straighter today, it's because you are proud to live in a state that honors Chuck Norris by naming him an honorary Texas Ranger. Not the baseball team. Governor Rick Perry did the deed today, and hi ... More >>

The Ballad Of Randy Quaid

Hopefully he learned a few tricks in Midnight Express.​Americans, as a people, are fascinated by stories of outlaws. English bandit Robin Hood has been dead for 500 years (give or take) and they're still making crappy movies about him. And the Old West remains a fertile ground for tales of rom ... More >>

Chuck Norris Officially A Texas Ranger, Finally

We have to admit, the above Keyboard Cat clip contains the only footage of Walker, Texas Ranger we have ever seen.But the great and august government of Texas must have seen more, for today they officially voted to make Chuck Norris an honorary Texas Ranger.

Pop Rocks: Happy Birthday, Chuck Norris

Amidst all the...sincere mourning for the death of Corey Haim (I'm sure you were all huge fans of 2007's Universal Groove) and renewed brouhaha over AnisBut and their celebrated W Magazine cover (in which the two look like survivors from The Hills Have Eyes), people seem to have forgotten the real ... More >>

Five Spot: Trae's Brother Jay'Ton's Got It by Tha Ton Mixtape

Welcome back to Five Spot. Every Friday, we'll examine a recent bit of music news and, sometimes awkwardly, tie it to a bit of Houston rap. It's five videos and occasional cussing. Send tips to introducingliston@gmail.com. ​ Since just about the oblivions, Jay'Ton, little brother to Trae, has ... More >>

Pop Rocks: Your George Bailey-Free Christmas Viewing List

Christmas, Christmas time is here. Time for ulcers to bleed freely and the roughly 22 percent of the U.S. population who identify themselves as "other than Christian" to smile through clenched jaws and wait for the adult contemporary stations to stop playing Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Claus is Comin ... More >>

Artist of the Week: Country Store Buffalo on Breast Implants, Beer-Drinking Bison and That Old Devil Cocaine

Each Wednesday, Rocks Off arbitrarily appoints one lucky local performer or group "Artist of the Week," bestowing upon them all the fame and grandeur such a lofty title implies. Know a band or artist that isn't awful? Email their particulars to introducingliston@gmail.com.​ You are in the enviable ... More >>

Dynamo Advance, Thanks To A Brian Ching Goal

Photo courtesy Houston Dynamo​The Houston Dynamo found themselves in familiar territory Sunday evening, one step closer to the MLS Cup. After their 1-0 overtime victory against the Seattle Sounders FC, the Dynamo advanced to the Western Conference Finals.Sunday's game was the second leg of a two-g ... More >>

Found Footage Festival

Discarded home movies get the attention they always wished they’d had

Spy Story

Con man or super spook — either way, Roland Carnaby wasn't supposed to meet his death on a Houston highway in a high-speed chase with the cops.

Paul Wall, Jamie Kennedy and Chuck Norris Help Mattress Mack Find His Inner Gangsta

It's been a rough summer over at Gallery Furniture, what with a former employee being arrested for torching the local home-furnishing superstore's warehouse. But we all know plucky owner Jim "Mattress Mack" McIngvale isn't going to let losing the lion's share of Gallery's inventory get him down any ... More >>

What You'll Be Missing Tomorrow If You Don't Get Your Digital-Converter TV Box

The Great Digital TV Revolution occurs tomorrow, and Hair Balls is worried for those of you still clinging to your rabbit ears and MacGyvered-aluminum-foil towers. While we applaud those who have drawn a line in the sand and refused to feed the cable and satellite beasts, we urge you to get a govern ... More >>

Sweet Carradine: Five Great Moments From His Career

It must be hell out there for a Hollywood actor. Not only is every role dissected by fans and eviscerated by critics, but no aspect of your personal life or fashion sense is left unexamined. And you'd better hope you die in as unexciting a manner as possible, lest your demise generate greater notor ... More >>

Three Of A Strange Kind At The Bush Library

Good Lord, what a trio in this lede from a press release: "George Bush, 41st President of the United States, will present the [Drayton] McLane Leadership in Business Award to Chuck Norris in recognition of Mr. Norris's achievements as a martial arts legend, entrepreneur, and humanitarian."It goes on ... More >>

Congratulations, Houston: We Were Smart Enough To Understand Those Dos Equis Ads

Photo courtesy Dos EquisHere's something we didn't know -- those Dos Equis' ads, the ones featuring the "Most Interesting Man in the World" urging us to "Stay thirsty, friends"? We here in Houston have been among the select few seeing them.As ads, they're unusual enough to catch attention -- the gri ... More >>

Five Christmas Movies Guaranteed To Get Rid Of Unwanted Guests

Holiday season is in full swing, and soon our homes will be filled with family members we've been successfully avoiding for the last 11 months, many of whom will wear out their welcomes before their Members Only jacket hits the pile on the bed. We in the media may be secular humanists with no regar ... More >>

Can LBJ Kick Chuck Norris' Ass?

We all know the facts about Chuck Norris:Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.We know all that. What we ... More >>

Texas Horror Movies: The Top Five

Chuck Norris Reaches Out And Touches: The Top Five

Paul Wall, Jamie Kennedy and "Mattress Mack" Pimp Some Furniture

Super Cardio Bros. with Wii Fit

Helping the world forget we once loved Thigh Masters, too

ASK A MEXICAN: Great Illegals and Mexican Movies

Mike Huckabee Will Rock You

Chuck and Huck, Sittin’ in a Tree…

Houston's Ten Worst Songs

…and we're still not as bad as Dallas

Hot Fuzz

You liked Shaun of the Dead? Then Hot Fuzz will bust a cap in your arse

Big Mac

TV huckster McIngvale moves hearts as well as mattresses

Toss It Outback

Kangaroo Jack is a real punch in the pouch

You Don't Know Mac

Get your recliner and No. 2 pencil

Overblown and Underrated

So you know Houston's goats, heroes and high points? Think again.

Dependable. Reliable. Ken Hoffman.

The Insider