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GIANT SNAILS!! GIANT KILLER SNAILS Have Invaded Texas & Targeted Gullible Children!!

Beautiful spring weather, it's not hurricane season yet, nothing to worry about outside except the occasional mosquito, giant deadly snail and annoying neighbor kid. What-whut? Giant deadly snail? Yep -- if various sightings around town are to be believed, the Giant African Land Snail (Lissachatin ... More >>

Five Ways the Inaugural Mass is Different from the Presidential Inauguration

Pope Francis had his inaugural mass in the Vatican Square and, much like a presidential inauguration, a bunch of people came from all corners to bear witness. In some ways, the two inaugurations are not that dissimilar. There is singing. There are speeches. There are glimpses of the new pope and pre ... More >>

God Pondering What To Do Now That Ray Lewis Has Retired

No longer shackled with the burden of managing Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis' Super Bowl run, God the Almighty is looking for a new gig. "I may never find something as important as my Ray Lewis Project, but I'm hoping the Middle East can keep me occupied, God said. Other offers He is consi ... More >>

Bronco Bama For The Win: Your Election Night 2012 Live Blog & Comment Feed

"There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth or something I guess..." -- Luke 13:28, A Copy Of The Bible I Swiped From A Hotel Room Hello and welcome to Hair Balls' election night live blog and comment, where tonight I will be chronicling the mania of the 2012 presidential ... More >>

Why Do Mexicans Boycott Columbus Day?

And why do white people like to brag about where they travel?

How to Speak Republican

Leaked document reveals the secrets of the GOP's coded language.

Ted Cruz: First Intellectual Tea-Partier Ever

Last night, as we watched Sarah Palin bloviate on Fox News -- yes, doubtful reader, we do under highly unusual circumstances tune in to Fox News -- we were struck by something. Ted Cruz, compared to virtually every single Tea Party member on this green earth like Palin, is really damn articulate. Li ... More >>

Zapruder-Style Breakdown Of The Worst National Anthem Performance Ever

My general rule of thumb when it comes to snark or out and out ridicule is that kids are off limits. I have three kids of my own, and they're not perfect. I get it. However, there are rare exceptions, and on those occasions what you'll usually find is that any derision of young people doing offensiv ... More >>

Mr. Sunday's Saturday Night Chicken: It's Just Chicken, But Oh, What a Chicken

Chris Wallace of Fox News Sunday is a politico who loves his chicken. His wife, Lorraine, has written two cookbooks, Mr. Sunday's Soups and Mr. Sunday's Saturday Night Chicken, based on Wallace's love of routine. His motto is "change is overrated." He wants a quiet evening at home the Saturday befo ... More >>

Ray Wylie Hubbard

Googling Santorum: The Chron's TexasSparkle Makes a Horrifying Discovery

TexasSparkle is the highlight of the Houston Chronicle's "Anyone Can Blog" page. Kathleen McKinley is her real name, and she's a person who thinks Sarah Palin is a serious individual, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh make sense, etc., etc. Her bio says she is a "co-host [of] SmartGirlNation on FTRadio ... More >>

Five Spot: New Music From Jack Freeman, The Monster, Scooyunda, Brook Gang and More

Soccer season is over!!!​Boy A and Boy B play their last soccer game of the season this Saturday. It's a little sad, really. They're just now to where they're excited to play. They were uncomfortable at first because, for real, 4-5-year-old soccer is, like, light years ahead of 3-year-old so ... More >>

Am I Supporting the Mexican Drug Cartels if I Smoke Pot?

And why don't more Mexis appear on television news talks shows?

Osama Bin Laden Mission: Rick Perry & Greg Abbott Weigh in Without Mentioning Obama

Neither went so far as the New York Daily News.​The world has presumably been waiting breathlessly for the chance to know exactly what Governor Rick Perry and Attorney General Greg Abbott think about the death of Osama Bin Laden. The wait is over. Both politicos issued statements this morning ... More >>

Five Best Glenn Beck Freakouts: We'll Miss You, Dude

​As he hinted at his Houston appearance, Glenn Beck, the face of Fox News to so many Americans who recoil in horror at Fox News, will be ending his TV show. He'll still do occasional specials, and tour, but your daily dose of Beckensian madness will no longer be on TV. We'll miss the freakou ... More >>

One Night with Glenn Beck: A Twitter Diary

Photo by Craig HlavatyThey lined up to hear Glenn Beck.​Glenn Beck was in Houston on Friday for a stop on his current speaking tour, dubbed the "Glenn Beck Live On Stage!" tour; it was everything I hoped it would be, with a few twists and turns. As an observer of most things Tea Party and cons ... More >>

Comment of the Day: Hand Doctor Michael Brown and Tax Cuts

​We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning, from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involv ... More >>

America, Back on Track

The little guy saves small-town USA (and its corporate ­overlords) in Unstoppable.

The 10 Most Annoying People You Meet At The Gym

Perhaps she didn't grunt loudly enough​Holidays coming up, gotta keep off the pounds, yadda, yadda, yadda. If you're headed to the gym, be prepared to deal with these very highly annoying people. 10. The Grunter He's lifting weights. Big, heavy, manly weights. In case you aren't studying him ... More >>

King Street Patriots Party Hardy At The Rice Lofts

Finding a watch party in Houston for election night was a bit of a chore. About the only thing in town was Bill White's, and since Hair Balls already had that covered, we had to look elsewhere. Even the New Black Panthers can't stop us​We decided on the King Street Patriots' bash at the Rice Lofts ... More >>

Why Aren't There Any Good Conservative Comedians?

​It's a valid question, even in light of the specter of Satanism rearing its seven heads over Delaware last week. Actually, maybe that's the quick and dirty answer to my question: the reality of the Tea Party is funnier than any airplane food joke Christine O'Donnell could tell at the Improv. ... More >>

Debbie Riddle: For Your Own Sake, Avoid CNN

State Rep Debbie Riddle doesn't need career advice from us. But if she were to ask, we'd tell her stay the hell off CNN. Stick to Fox News.Riddle went on Anderson Cooper's show last night and -- well, she showed the nation the Debbie Riddle we have come to know and be horrified by here in Houston.

Mel Gibson's Rant: Five Celebrity Rants He's Competing With

Mel Gibson, looking up at Sugar Tits​Mel Gibson's lunatic rant has made it online, which means we can stack it up against other lunatic rants.1. Alec Baldwin. Things you don't want to be caught shouting at your pre-teen daughter: "You're a rude, thoughtless little pig" and "I don't give a damn tha ... More >>

Believe It Or Not, There Are Bigger Crybabies Than Cristiano Ronaldo

​We've reached the quarterfinal stage of the World Cup, and some big names have already been unceremoniously booted after early round losses. Not many people were surprised at France's exit, and The USA and England were lucky to make the Round of 16 in the first place. But Italy, the reigning ... More >>

Stephen Colbert Visits NASA Looking For A Job

Another dude coming to Houston for a job​Stephen Colbert, in an effort to get a second job should this whole Colbert Report thing falls through, visited NASA a while back to try out as an astronaut.The results have been airing this week.Things we learn: NASA employees don't generally seem to be in ... More >>

Korn Was Not A F**king Emo Show At Sold-Out Verizon

Photos by Matthew Keever​ Seventeen years after its inception, Korn still managed to sell out the Verizon Wireless Theater on Sunday night for the 2010 Jagermeister Music Tour. Most bands could only dream of continuing to sell-out venues for two decades, but a look at Korn's fan base, which ranges ... More >>

The Week In TV: Lost Takes A Break, South Park Takes A Dive

​The sun chased the rain, I can feel summer coming, and I was greeted at the door by a rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix. This was the week in TV Land: • So, this is dumb: South Park has been forced by Viacom to bend to the will of Muslim extremists. The show's 200th episode was a two- ... More >>

Chingo Bling's They Can't Deport Us All Makes Good Census; Still Missing Selena

​ Our weekend was full of political conversations with folks who we never have political conversations with; let us tell you, we couldn't have been more pleasantly surprised. We decided we were going to try and convince everyone we knew back home to fill out the census. Three different conversatio ... More >>

See Dick Run

Invasions of privacy are "The New Normal."

Four Courses at Sophia

​ There's something to be said for having a BYOB restaurant nearby, walking home on a cold night with a Chardonnay as a jacket. But the charms of Sophia, at 1601 W. Main St., tucked behind Richmond in a nondescript building off Mandell, go beyond its geography. Now in his second year solo, c ... More >>

The Week In TV: Art of the Dushku

We'll always have Bring It On...​I'm waiting for winter, I'm tired of Joseph Fiennes, and I can't stop raving about Wade Boggs' Carpet World. This was the week in TV Land: • I've been a little remiss in advising you to watch Parks and Recreation, which is my bad, as I heard a kid say the o ... More >>

And So It Begins: Do You Know Where Your Children Are? (Updated With Speech Analysis)

It's too late, parents....Unless you filled out the proper paperwork offering definitive proof you're a right-wing radical blinded by Fox News, your kid is being subjected to the amazing hypnotic power of Barack Obama at this moment.You can watch here, if you dare.Will you recognize your kids when t ... More >>

$7 at Bell Street Cafe

Photo by Craig HlavatyChicken Veronique at Bell Street CafeWhere: Bell Street Cafe, 800 Bell Street (under the Exxon Building) What $7 gets you: Surprisingly fresh and cheap food. Dining under the Exxon building, right next to the Houston Press building, means that you will be eating with a millio ... More >>

Tea Party Hangover In Texas

Photo by sirtrentalotYesterday we noted how KTRH had factually reported that the tea-party protests planned for that day "might be the single largest mass gathering in the country's history."We noted it wasn't "a mass gathering," merely a series of them, and therefore a typical college-footbal ... More >>

On The Scene At The Houston Tea Party

In the end, it exceeded the expectations of even its once-seemingly wildly overenthusiastic organizers. Approximately 3,500 pissed-off demonstrators packed Jones Plaza for a warm-up blues-rock concert and harangues about high taxes, debt, bail-outs, and socialism.     You'd have t ... More >>

Houston!! Are You Ready For A Tea Par-Tay?!?!?!

Tomorrow is the big day: The Houston area will be the site of a dozen or so tea parties.They're going on all over the country. It's possible that the Fox News network might provide some coverage.The parties are to protest all that spending that's going on in Washington; you are no doubt familiar ... More >>

Turning the Screw: G.R.I.T Boys, Coolio, Nas, Eminem, Tupac, Lil' Kim, Chris Brown, R. Kelly, Snoop Dogg, Scarface and More

Welcome back to Turning the Screw, Rocks Off's weekly rap post. It probably won't rhyme, at least most of the time. E-mail tips to introducingliston@gmail.com. Thanks, homies. Single of the Week "I'm Fresh," G.R.I.T. Boys ft. Trae and Tum Tum Wire to Wire Brooklyn's Uncle Murda was convicted o ... More >>

Fox Calls It For Obama. People Desperately Look Up How To Spell "Shadenfreude"

Rappers and Republicans: Still the Same?

What Do Shepard Smith and Soulja Boy have in common?

Wack's here to tell you: more than you might expect

Auto Erotica: Burnout Paradise

Car lovers find a new flame

A Day in the Life of Cable Sports Programming

Junior High Kid Goes Big-Time, Zero Tolerance

She's glad her 15 minutes are up

Leg Spreader

Front Porch Pub

Juvenile

Reality Check

Party Animals

Politically oriented matchmaking sites are surging toward the election

Mucho Mayo

Cinco de Mayo festivities abound around town

Best Radio Commentary

Dean Becker, "420 Drug War News"

Hell on Earth

Both sides in a Houston fight worship the same god: publicity

Amplified

Local Music News