Jesus Christ

(Updated) Jesus FTW: God-Lovin' Kountze Cheerleaders Trounce Heathens In Court Battle

Updated with statements from Governor Rick Perry and the Freedom From Religion Foundation. In a high-profile battle based on small-town football, the cheerleaders in the little East Texas burg of Kuntze have won a court battle to praise Jesus during football games. The Kountze case drew national a ... More >>

Christmas Past: Our 5 Favorite Punk Rock Christmas Songs

While we celebrate the holidays, Rocks Off is resurrecting a few of our best Christmas-themed blogs from the past few years. (Wait... resurrecting is Easter. Never mind.) This blog originally appeared December 11, 2009. Aside from the heavy metal Christmas songs we threw your way earlier this week, ... More >>

Trans-Siberian Orchestra

OK, Who's Been Slipping Bible Tracts into Our Papers?

We were surprised to find out today that, when He's in Houston, Jesus Christ utilizes the Oak Forest Post Office for all his mailing needs -- or at least one of His disciples does. Some evangelical person, worried about how this week's Houston Press cover story on athiesm would affect readers' morta ... More >>

Contessa Andrea Von Schmidt, Dwayne Gator Liggins: It's the Quarterly Strange (Accused) Criminal Name Report

As we head into what passes for fall down here, it's high time we came up with another list of the strangest, funniest and most awesome names to pass through the Harris County Criminal Justice Center over the last few months. (Or years. We stumbled on some older ones.) As always, some of these peop ... More >>

You Won't Get Into Heaven Listening to Christian Dubstep

Driving home the other night, I thought I had come up with the perfect get-rich-quick scheme: Christian dubstep. Roll your eyes if you'd like, but one thing I've noticed is that going to an EDM show is a lot like going to church: They both feature music, alcohol, and standing on your feet for long ... More >>

Jesus Christ Anthony Turner: Hauled in by Houston Cops on Aggravated Robbery Charge

According to Houston Police, on June 18, Jesus Christ Anthony Turner pointed a gun at a man and robbed him. Since the alleged offense took place while the 27-year-old South Park resident was free on bond for a January home burglary, Jesus Christ is currently being held without bail in the Harris C ... More >>

A Crucifixion Playlist By A Satanist. Hey! That Rhymed!

Everyone who isn't going to burn in a lake of fire after they die, and even some of us, know that Jesus Christ was crucified on Good Friday only to respawn three days later on Easter. At that point, he emerged from a rabbit hole with a collection of painted eggs -- it was boring being dead, okay? -- ... More >>

6 Cool & Cheap Things To Do This Weekend

The "Reggae Riddim Revival" rides into Last Concert Cafe Friday with D.R.U.M., Bigga Staar, Zin and DJ Meshak, plus live painting and dancers. Before 9:30 p.m., cover is only $5 if you bring a hand drum. In case you were wondering, there will be a drum circle. In one of the oddest bookings we've s ... More >>

Ol Dirty Bastard: 6 Reasons We Sure Miss That Guy

Ol' Dirty Bastard of the Wu-Tang Clan is the only rapper to use his welfare card as an album cover; and the only rapper to take America along with him as he used the card to pick up his welfare check. Ol Dirty Bastard was a breakout star on the Wu-Tang Clan's debut album, Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Ch ... More >>

10 Very Odd Nativity Scenes, Starring Dogs, Rubber Duckies And...Santa?

Nativity scenes are a staple at many homes in the Christmas season. Whether they're realistic or stylistic, these portrayals of the manger are supposed to remind us of the true meaning of the holiday, in case we haven't watched Charlie Brown recently. Most nativity scenes are straightforward models ... More >>

A Nomenclature Battle: What's in an Abyss?

It's a well-known fact that most band names are essentially gobbledygook, but here at Rocks Off we're working hard to find meaning in the oddest monikers. That says, "Seal the Abyss" in case you can't read ancient runic metal.​Rocks Off was looking at the weekly concert listings when we notic ... More >>

What's the Opposite of Homosexuality? "Holysexuality," Says "Pray the Gay Away" Group

Photo by Mandy OaklanderProtesters say you can't pray gay away.​Outside of the Sugar Creek Baptist Church on Saturday afternoon, about 70 protesters lined the service road waving rainbow signs. Cars honked along with their chants of "We are holy, we are queer!" A dozen protesters were students ... More >>

Comment of the Day: Rick Perry, Texas A&M QB, Properly Captioned

​We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning, from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involv ... More >>

Comment of the Day

​Mai Pham stopped by Olive & Vine and got us all salivating for some fine olive oil and vinegar. Commenter Mark W seemed to swoon a little: Jesus Christ on a toast, the truffle oil is the best damn oil I ever had. In fact, I can still remember the beautiful sensation linger in my mouth after ... More >>

Stryper

Idol Beat: Schlemiel. Schlimazel.

​So it seems the only difference between the two-hour Wednesday Idols and their one hour counterparts on Thursdays is twice as many "wacky" interludes (über Green Bay Packer fan Megan Frazier is going to make one lucky man...really miserable someday) and a third more shots of Steven Tyler wal ... More >>

Top 10 Non-Traditional Christmas Songs

"Baby Jesus, born to rock..." ​Amidst the time of year when we're bombarded with cliché holiday tunes and trite Christmas-carol covers, Rocks Off will now take time to appreciate a few original nontraditional takes on festive songs. Whether they're dismal adaptations of holiday malaise, tale ... More >>

Island Of Misfit Albums: A Star Wars Christmas

​One thing that always bothered Rocks Off growing up as a born-again Christian child who was into the apparently godless world of Star Wars was whether or not they celebrated Christmas. The birth of Jesus Christ and stuff. Santa Claus, crap that matters. We can only assume under Empire rule th ... More >>

Top 5 Great Moments in Divine Food Intervention: All Hail the Grilled Cheesus!

Lupe Ontiveros in the 2007 film Tortilla Heaven.​The controversial installment of Glee that aired last night, the third of season two, centered on spirituality and a very spiritual sandwich. The episode opened with Finn Hudson's (Cory Montieth) existential crisis, brought on by the manifestat ... More >>

FAIL: Morrissey, Scott Weiland, Whitesnake, Conspiracy Theorists

​Morrissey Loves Animals So Much It Makes Him Racist: Morrissey has been one of the biggest ambiguously snarky pussies in all of rock music for some years now, popular among 15-year-old bisexuals of all races and creeds. Sometimes, however, the former Smiths frontman likes to make a straightf ... More >>

Korn

Nouveau Antique Art Bar's Aviator

Does God Care If Rappers Smoke Weed?

The hip-hop world is a less than sensible place - lots of times, you're even required to clarify when bad means bad and when bad means good - so once a week we're going to get with a rapper and ask them to explain things. Have something you always wanted to ask a rapper? Email it to introducinglisto ... More >>

Our Five Favorite Punk Rock Christmas Songs

​ Aside from the heavy metal Christmas songs we threw your way earlier this week, Rocks Off also loves us some punk rock Yuletide jams. Over the years plenty of punks have tried their scabby and tattooed hands at holiday songs, especially the pop-punks, who are very fond of those ironic covers ... More >>

Somehow, Some Way, Free Press Houston Has Assembled the Westheimer Block Party Stage Schedules

​Because we worked somewhere that shares a property line with SXSW for many, many years, Rocks Off knows a little bit about how the carcinoma-like March music festival places its 1,500-something bands into its 75-something venues. Basically, they work on it all year long - we reckon the schedule f ... More >>

Identity and Religion

Happy Epiphany, Everybody

"We Three Kings," a la Guitar Hero Time to take down that tree, y'all: Today is Epiphany, or Twelfth Night, the official end of the Christmas season. (It actually ended at midnight, so exhale... you made it.) Epiphany commemorates the arrival of the three wise men - or, in later translations of the ... More >>

Attention Passengers: Forget Bush Intercontinental, Here Are The Five Best Karaoke Movie Scenes

If Buddha, Mohammed, and Jesus Christ joined hands and strolled down Westheimer turning automobiles into unicorns while singing "Blasphemous Rumors" I don't think it would get as much coverage as that infernal karaoke machine at George Bush Intercontinental Airport (including right here at Hair Bal ... More >>

A Mainstream Mormon's Test of Faith

Seven months have passed since the polygamist raid in Eldorado, but the effects linger

Venue Shuffle: Rise Against, Tek9 Cancel; Alkaline Trio, Thrice Moved to House of Blues

Weekly WTF: Dude Bathes in a Burger King Sink

John Edwards, The IRA and Jesus Christ

The Fugitive

Get Lit: No Regrets: The Best, Worst, & Most #$%*ing Ridiculous Tattoos Ever, by Aviva Yael & P.M. Chen

Drenched In Blog: Remembering Ol’ Dirty Bastard

Seething in the Rain

The Marketing of the Beast Continues...

He Walks Among Us

This Man Thinks He's Jesus H. Christ!

And a lot of people agree with him

A Little Finesse

Jesus Saves

Sarah Silverman speaks the unspeakable. And funny? Oh, hell, yes.

Letters

No More Spears

Beyond the Gates chronicles the rebirth of a brutal Ecuadoran tribe

Capsule Reviews

Our critic weighs in on theater around town

Putti Call

Wingéd children soar above an unusual nativity scene

Cross Ways

Hispanics search for the origins of their unique faith that fuses Jewish tradition with the celebration of Christ

Letters to the Editor

From the week of February 22

News of the Weird

Press Picks

First Baptist Church expected 50,000 people to see this year's Christmas spectacular. The stage was ready. The wise men and the shepherds had been cast. Now, all they needed was...THE NEW JESUS