Kelly Osbourne

  • Blogs

    April 25, 2012

    Double Duds: The 10 Worst Duets Since "Ebony and Ivory"

    Thirty years ago this week, Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder hit No. 1 on the charts with their duet, "Ebony and Ivory." The song spent seven weeks at the top of the Billboard Hot 100 and the past three decades as a joke. Perhaps history's most hackneyed call for racial harmony (which, admittedly, ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 28, 2012

    This Grandpa Only Knows Five Bands On This Year's Warped Tour

    It's my job to have at least a passing knowledge of what most bands and artists sound like. In my one of seven capacities here at the paper, I am in charge of music listings, those things in the back of the paper that tell you what is happening every week. (While I am on the subject, I need let yo ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 9, 2012

    Rocks Off Picks The GOP Theme Songs

    ​Now that the Iowa Caucus has narrowed down the field a bit, we would like to take this opportunity to offer some advice to the remaining candidates for the Republican nomination to vie with president Obama in the November election. What you guys need is some catchy theme songs, and we have so ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 15, 2011

    Tumblrin' Dice: Kanye West Does Like White People

    West with Kelly Osbourne, white daughter of noted white musician Ozzy Osbourne.​This morning in our daily Tumblr stroll for skull and Katy Perry pics, we found Kanye West With White People, a site dedicated to pictures of Der Fuhrer West with various white folks who are in natural poses, even ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 14, 2011

    The 10 Biggest TV/Music Crossover Fails​Kim Kardashian's release of her new single, "Jam" makes Rocks Off sick to our stomachs. It's been our philosophy that while an ass can sell a TV show or low-budget porn, it can't sell an album. You can't mute a CD and still "watch" it. So in lieu of Kardashian's sic ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 13, 2010

    When Rock Stars And Movie Stars Reproduce: Five Offspring Bands

    ​No, these aren't Offspring cover bands, which would be gross, since Offspring sucks pretty badly on their own. They aren't as cool as we thought they were in 1994. No, let's talk about what happens when famous folks let their children loose to be rock stars. Some fall while others find fame i ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 15, 2010

    Happy Father's Day! Loser Kids of Rock Star Dads

    We all aspire to honor our dads and hope that we've done right by them on Father's Day. Here's a list of offspring whose lives have served no useful purpose on earth other than churning out a never-ending source of disappointment for their rock star dads. ​Sean Lennon Yoko Ono is often credi ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 8, 2010

    Houston Musicians Recall Their Own Rock and Roll High School Days

    ​Tonight Rocks Off is hosting the first annual Texas High School Rock Off, with local bands from area schools fighting for a grand prize of $500 and bragging rights around town. This past week we have profiled the seven bands in the running: The Paperwaits, Useful Information, The Handshake, Livin ... More >>

  • News

    November 26, 2009

    Turkeys of the Year

    In a highly competitive 2009 field, Governor Rick Perry is the biggest gobbler of them all.

  • Blogs

    November 25, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: An Osmond Is Crowned

    ​Sunriiiiiise, sunset Sunriiiiiise, sunset Swiftly flow the days You guys, I can't believe we've come so far together. We've had so many ups and downs, so much laughter and so many tears. When I began the season of Dancing With the Stars, I was but a boy, but now, I am a bitter, wizened ma ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 24, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Nearing the Finish Line

    ​Do you smell that? That potent mixture of stardust, flop sweat, and desperation? It's like burnt cinnamon and broken dreams. And it can mean only one thing: The final week of Dancing With the Stars. The show's whole pointlessness was driven home in Tom Bergeron's opening narration, when he ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 18, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Suck It, Maxim Model!

    Kelly Osbourne gives her best "suck it, you model bitch" pose.​This is it. The ninth week of Dancing With the Stars has now come and gone. Only now do I understand the bittersweet joy of watching a baby grow up. This week's pointless encore command performance was Mya's salsa, which had earn ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 17, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

    ​You guys! YOU GUYS! We're closer to the end of Dancing With the Stars than I'd thought! The grid at Futon Critic only had the show running through next week, the 24th. And then, like manna from sequined heaven, Tom Bergeron confirmed at the top of last night's competition ep that next week wi ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 11, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Puppet Theater of Doom

    Goodbye, sweet douchebag. Fare thee well.​It's the eighth week of Dancing With the Stars, and I think we all deserve a warm thanks for making it so far. Although really, most of you aren't watching the show and only read these blog posts with a sick fascination to see if I've actually snapped ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 10, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: A Grotesque Carnival of Human Misery?

    It's NOT Donny Osmond!​Holy flurking schnit! It's week eight of Dancing With the Stars, which for those who don't know is when the rubber made of stardust meets the road made of awesome and the car of dreams speeds off into, um, Kickassville. I'm just kidding; the show's still incredibly borin ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 4, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Gridiron or Iron Chef, Your Times Have Come

    Last night was the seventh elimination round of this season's Dancing With the Stars, and the second one to see two people go home. I guess at this point in the season the gimmick is starting to wear off? In which case, why not just have fewer contestants to start? Then again, when 16.4 million pe ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 3, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Go Home Already, Irvin

    A heated competition where anything's possible and the winners are usually juicing: That's right, folks, it's the seventh week of Dancing With the Stars. Let's do it! This week saw another double-dance night -- one individual, one team -- to be followed by another double elimination. And I know ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 27, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Hey, Mambo!

    ​Holy crap, you guys! It's week six of Dancing With the Stars! I thought I'd be dead by now. Tom Bergeron's trademark breathless intro made it sound like the celebrities on this show have been at war or something instead of just wearing sequined shirts and soaking up some free press, but he di ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 21, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Damn That Michael Irvin!

    ​It's the halfway point of the season! Tom Bergeron said so! I wish he'd said that the night before, when I was glumly pondering how many more episodes this season would foist upon an innocent populace. But there you go: only a few left. Here's hoping someone gets really hurt. The opening cr ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 20, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Do The Hustle!

    ​It's week five of Dancing With the Stars, but I don't know how many are left. I don't have the commitment to count the couples and do the math, plus there could be special eps or extra fillers or reunion shows or who knows what all. Basically, I know there's an end in sight, I just don't know ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 14, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Bad Luck, Chuck

    If you watch this, you're going to need to explain yourself​The arrival of another Dancing With the Stars results show always fills me with a queasy mix of relief and dread. Relief, because it's only an hour long instead of two, and another couple will be eliminated, bringing us all that much ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 13, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Things Ain't The Same Without Delay

    Someone needs to find this guy a hobby...​I'll be honest: I didn't know if I'd be able to find the strength to soldier on now that Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay had left Dancing With the Stars. What light be light if Tommy be not seen? Now I finally knew what Jesse and Slater meant when they sa ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 7, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Bidding Dazzle (and Debi) Adieu

    We'll remember the good times, Tom! Or something like that...​News broke yesterday afternoon that the unthinkable had happened: Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay -- former House Majority Leader, money launderer, and friend to the working man -- would be quitting Dancing With the Stars because of th ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 7, 2009

    Dancing With the Stars: Bidding Dazzle (and Debi) Adieu

    We'll remember the good times, Tom! Or something like that...​News broke yesterday afternoon that the unthinkable had happened: Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay -- former House Majority Leader, money launderer, and friend to the working man -- would be quitting Dancing With the Stars because of t ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 17, 2009

    Tom DeLay to Debut the "Bitch Slap" on Dancing With the Stars Next Month

    News is leaking out of Hollywood that former U.S. House Majority Leader and mugshot model Tom DeLay will be part of the cast of next season's ABC hoofer ratings smash Dancing With the Stars. What hasn't come out yet is DeLay's plans to debut a new dance called the "Bitch Slap," an arm-movement-heav ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 8, 2007

    Over the Hills and Not That Far Away

    Led Zeppelin rocked the Sam Houston Coliseum the night before this 1975 show in Baton Rouge. Led Zeppelin has been in the news so much lately it’s getting hard to remember they broke up 27 years ago. Of course there’s the big reunion show at London’s O3 Arena, with late drummer John Bonham’s ... More >>

  • Blogs

    July 10, 2007

    Life Imitating Art

    We would call it irony, but it's actually the exact opposite. Amy Winehouse is onto her second UK concert cancellation this week. Maybe all the recent praise from super divas like Elton John and Prince has gone to her head, or maybe it really was “exhaustion.” Either way, she was clearly in ne ... More >>

  • Music

    November 17, 2005

    True Blue Confessions

    Let's join Madonna for a friendly round of Celebrity Breach of Confidentiality

  • Calendar

    October 27, 2005
  • Music

    September 11, 2003

    2 Filthy, 2 Furious

    The Sex Pistols have re-formed (again), and Johnny Rotten is spewing pure vitriol (still)

  • Music

    February 27, 2003

    The Eyeliners

    Saturday, March 1

  • Music

    January 23, 2003

    Musical Chairs

    When band members trade places, there isn't always a loser