Matt Schaub

The Truth About Tom Brady's New Contract (With Special Guest Star Matt Schaub!)

Of the three major professional sports leagues, football has the methodology of compensation that is the least broken and the fiscal system that is least susceptible to ruin at the hands of compulsively spending owners, and it's all because of the NFL's policy of utilizing non-guaranteed contracts. ... More >>

Is Gary Kubiak Going To Be The Next Norv Turner?

Despite what you heard, the Houston Texans will be playing football on Sunday. Not all of them, maybe. But nine of the guys will suit up and take the field for the AFC in the Pro Bowl. Sure it's not the Super Bowl, but who really cares about the Super Bowl, right? The Texans ended the season on a d ... More >>

Good, Not Great: Why Texans Need A Daryl Morey Approach To QB Position

If good is the enemy of great, the Texans are in a lot of trouble as they map out a plan to break through their second-round ceiling. Owner Bob McNair and head coach Gary Kubiak are publically saying the happy, feel-good things. "We're very close," McNair said after the loss in New England, while K ... More >>

As A Quarterback, Matt Schaub Is The Worst Kind Of High Maintenance Chick

"What if this is the best I'll ever look, the best I'll ever be, the best I'll ever do-and it's not very good?" -- Mitch Robbins in City Slickers For the Houston Texans, 2012 was supposed to be better than 2011. I suppose if you want to take the term "better" to its ultra-literal core, the team's r ... More >>

Texans-Patriots: The 10 Last Rapper Tweets of the Season

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, in the sight of God and his company, to mourn the loss our valiant football heroes, the United-States-Houston-Texas Texans. They were taken from us too soon, to be sure. But know that theirs was a lush, well-lived life full of successes earned and achiev ... More >>

Patriots 41, Texans 28: Offense Turns Offensive On Big Stage. Again.

Ignore the main box score numbers. Forget the 425 total yards for Houston and the 28 points. Same for the 41 placed in the New England column. In the big picture, it's more of the same. Gary Kubiak, Matt Schaub and the Houston offense shoulder the majority of blame in yet another crucial game, this ... More >>

Texans-Patriots: PLAYOFF BATTLE-DRINK Bingo Drinking Game Card, "Schaub's Revenge"

As all of you Battle-Drinkers know, the Battle-Drink Bingo Drinking Game board this season has consisted of several potential in-game events tied to (obviously) the Texans and whoever their opponent is that particular week. The pattern on the board can best be described as "organized randomness," wi ... More >>

Texans-Bengals: 4 Winners, 4 Losers, Playoff Edition

In the grand scheme of things, none of us really wanted to be there at Reliant Stadium on Saturday. Yes, the NFL is awesome, and we love our Texans, and it was (cue hokey Clay Walker voice) football time in Hoooussston!! But up until the time Christian Ponder was scrambling around the Texans' defens ... More >>

Texans-Colts: 4 Winners, 4 Losers, "Playoff Apocalypse" Version

Well, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that any plans you had to take a week off from Texans' football in order to get some early spring cleaning done or go visit relatives, well, you best change them. After losing 28-16 to the Colts on Sunday in Indianapolis (Texans are 0-11 lifetime ... More >>

8 Texans Named To The Pro Bowl, Most In The AFC

There was a time (largely, 2002 through around 2008) when the night the Pro Bowl rosters were revealed was a complete non-event for Texans fans. Well, times have changed, and Wednesday the Texans AFC best 12-3 record was mirrored by having an AFC best eight players (six offense, two defense) named t ... More >>

Texans-Vikings: 4 Winners, 71,688 Losers

There were 71,688 (mostly) Texan fans in Reliant Stadium on Sunday. It's been a while since they've trudged back out to the Blue Lot feeling like they did on Sunday after the Minnesota Vikings' methodical 23-6 dismantling of the home team. The Packers game earlier this year while unacceptable was un ... More >>

Gary Kubiak Won't Be Coaching for His Job Next Week, But He Should Be

The narratives for the first two Texan losses wrote themselves, even if they weren't completely accurate. Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady are Hall of Fame quarterbacks and played extremely well. The Texans (12-3) had a few unlucky bounces on offense. The team didn't desperately need either game. None a ... More >>

Monday Night Meltdown: Texans Crushed in New England 42-14

It was, to quote Yogi Berra, "Like deja vu all over again." In this case, the Texans' loss to Tom Brady and the New England Patriots on the road in prime time was eerily similar to week six when they were dismantled by Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers. In what was being billed as the most ant ... More >>

Houston's Bearded, Bald, Vegan, Hipster Athletes Getting National Attention

It ain't easy being a Houston athlete. Despite being the fourth largest city in America, we haven't exactly had a tradition of winning sports teams. The Rockets made big runs in the early and mid '80s before breaking through and winning back-to-back titles in the early '90s. Still, they haven't been ... More >>

Texans 38, Titans 14: After Early Scare, Houston Finally Proves It Can Handle Success

One week after exorcising their Peyton Manning demons, the Texans found themselves squarely in the crosshairs of another familiar enemy: complacency. In 2011, a 3-1 start turned sour with a demoralizing loss to Oakland in Reliant Stadium. Likewise, a home disappointment against Carolina ensued afte ... More >>

The Price Of Matt Schaub's Ear: $50K & One-Game Suspension

Losing on your homefield to a team you might have to beat in the NFL playoffs? Priceless. Taking off a chuck of the opposing QB's ear with a cheap hit? Not so priceless. In fact, it has quite the specific price tag attached. And that tag, according to the league, is....$50,000. Plus a one-game sus ... More >>

Texans 31, Broncos 25: At Long Last, Houston Has Its 3-0 Start (Four Reasons Why)

Borrowing a famous analogy from Wade Phillips's father, Bum, the Texans have knocked and beaten on the door of the NFL's elite for three straight Septembers. In 2010, a 2-0 start came crashing down in an embarrassing home loss to Dallas. In 2011, they nearly improved to 3-0 before the defense unrav ... More >>

Matt Schaub And Five Other Cringeworthy Ear Injuries In Pop Culture

If you were like most Houstonians, your heart sank on Sunday afternoon when you saw Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub hit the ground in agony after getting hit by the Denver Broncos' Joe Mays. Immediately images of last year flew through our heads and within seconds T.J. Yates was in the game - ... More >>

Texans Hang On For Win Over Broncos: You Thought This Would Be Easy?

Just in case Houston Texan fans were getting accustomed to easy blowouts, the locals made sure to remind everyone that getting to an AFC Championship, much less a Super Bowl, isn't exactly a walk in the park. With about 10 minutes left in this game at Denver, though, it sure looked like that -- the ... More >>

NFL Week 1: Schaub Gets Rich(er), Buffalo Gets Poor(er) -- 4 Winners, 4 Losers

Check out our slideshow of the Houston Texans' season opener against the Dolphins. Could Sunday have been any better? 80-degree day. Sun shining. Birds singing. NFL football back in our lives. Oh and someone left a whole book of Burger King coupons in the lobby of my building. SCORE! So yeah there ... More >>

The 2012 Season Preview: The Texans Will Be Super If...

Two days are left. After eight long months away, that's all that remains before the most anticipated season in Houston football history finally kicks off. Even the 1993 Oilers, whose brilliant 11-game win streak ended with a home loss to Joe Montana's Chiefs in the divisional round of the playoffs, ... More >>

Texans 26, Panthers 13: Five Things We Learned

It takes looking at just one final box score to show the relative importance, or lack thereof, with early preseason scores. Patriots 7, Saints 6. So the Texans' thorough road dismantling of a capable Carolina team may not signal much, particularly considering most first-teamers played less than a ... More >>

Texans Training Camp: Crisis Averted, Duane Brown Is Gonna Be Okay

"#TexansNation I'm good!!!! Thanks for the thoughts and concerns!" -- Texans left tackle Duane Brown, 2:21 PM 8/1/12 on Twitter (@DuaneBrown76) "Thank God..." -- Every Texans fan...on Twitter, on message boards, at the grocery store, pretty much everywhere Remember the first five minutes of Raider ... More >>

Texans, Tebow and BCS Titles! This Weekend's 4 Winners and 4 Losers

All right, this is starting to get ridiculous, football gods. First, you knock out Arian Foster for the first three games of the season with a hamstring injury. Then you rob us of Andre Johnson not once but twice with injuries to each hamstring, forcing him to miss most of the season. Then you rip ... More >>

The Texans: Seven Motivational Posters for the Rest of the Season

We all know things have changed a bit for the Houston Texans from those halcyon days just a couple of weeks ago when they were pushing for the Number One seed in the AFC. Matt Schaub had a season-ending injury. Backup QB Matt Leinart had a season-ending injury. But all is not lost in TexansWorld. ... More >>

Albert Haynesworth Is Proud of Hurting Matt Schaub

"You know me. I love to hit Schaub." -- Tampa Bay defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth We've talked so much about the effect that Matt Schaub's injury could have on the remainder of the Texans' 2011 season (and rightfully so), we haven't even really talked about how it happened. And until Albert H ... More >>

Matt Schaub Is Done, So Gary Kubiak Can Show His "One Thing"

In the movie The Breakfast Club, there's a scene where the five main characters are sitting around the library and the topic of conversation lands on "What's the one thing you can do well?" As it turned out, the Geek was pretty good at making spaghetti, the Basket Case could play "Heart & Soul" on ... More >>

Comment of the Day: Matt Schaub's Injury Is One Fan's Fault

​We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning, from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involv ... More >>

Texans 24, Jaguars 14: It Wasn't Pretty. Thankfully, It Doesn't Have To Be Anymore

Photo by Marco TorresMark Schaub, the new Cam Newton​To know the Houston Texans is to know drama, at least from a historical standpoint. Offensive explosions -- both from the Texans and their opponents -- fueled both spectacular wins and crushing collapses in 2009 and 2010. In the end, the ups ... More >>

Raiders 25, Texans 20: One Step Forward, One Step Back

Be sure to check out the rest of our pics from Sunday's game. When one step forward is immediately followed by one step back, perpetual mediocrity is the usual result. It has defined the Gary Kubiak era of Houston Texans football, and it reared its ugly head again on Sunday. Yes, the Texans (3-2) ... More >>

Houston Texans Game 5 -- 4 Winners, 4 Losers (This Doesn't Go Well For Jacoby Jones)

Be sure to check out the rest of our pics from Sunday's game. As we were driving slowly down Murworth to park in the Teal Lot before the Texans game on Sunday, my girlfriend Amy and I noticed a father with two boys (presumably his sons) around the ages of nine or ten stopped on the sidewalk having ... More >>

Texans 20, Jets 16: Defense Shines, But Backup QB Troubles Remain

Photos by Marco TorresMatt Schaub didn't play much.​In the big picture, the narrative from Monday's preseason opener at Reliant Stadium was a promising one for Gary Kubiak's Texans. First and foremost, there were no major injuries. Secondly, the retooled unit of renowned defensive coordinato ... More >>

Eagles 34, Texans 24: Defense Routinely Awful, But Schaub Also Misses Opportunities

Matt Schaub: Questions continue to increase​The questions have long been answered as to whether Gary Kubiak is a championship-level coach and if the Texans defense is even at an NCAA-championship level. (No.) After Thursday night, however, another question may need to be asked. Is Matt Schaub ... More >>

Colts 30, Texans 17: Indianapolis Still Has No Answer for Arian Foster. Enter Gary Kubiak

Photo by Aaron M. SprecherGary Kubiak knows how to keep Arian Foste from beating the Colts​In week one, the Texans (4-3) annihilated the Colts because Indianapolis couldn't stop running back Arian Foster, who rushed for 231 yards and three touchdowns. In week eight, the Colts (5-2) still couldn't ... More >>

Game Time: NFL 2010 -- A Journey In Wagering

Betting is fun! If you don't mind losing​The first week of the NFL season is always one of the busiest for me. I've never been an accountant, nor will I ever be an accountant, but I would imagine that the first week of college and NFL football together is how the week of April 15 feels for someon ... More >>

Game Time: Matt Schaub Gets The Coolest Participation Ribbon Ever

​Let me preface the next several hundred words with this -- I am a Matt Schaub fan. I think the guy had a phenomenal 2009 season and deserved to be at the Pro Bowl this weekend long before Tom Brady and Phillip Rivers pulled out of the game with injuries to their respective bodily parts (and, like ... More >>

Game Time: Come! Watch The Amazing Vince Young Water Down Matt Schaub's Pro Bowl Bid!

​For better or worse, the Texans are still at a stage in their history where they are experiencing some "exciting but for most teams not really extraordinary" things for the first time. This will happen when the first four years of your eight-year existence were spent being constructed by Char ... More >>

Game Time: Kick In The Junk...Wide Left

​I woke up Sunday morning thinking that things had to get better. After a week that started off with a right cross from Kobe, a left hook from the Yankees, and a sucker punch in the junk from Notre Dame, I thought surely these events were just karmic balance for what was going to be the biggest w ... More >>

Some (Few) Good Things Emerge From Texans' Monday-Night Loss

​It's never truly Texans season until there's the first Matt Schaub injury scare. This year, it came before the season even started -- when the Texans' QB ran out of bounds and turned his left ankle in Monday night's 17-10 preseason loss to the Vikings.But Schaub recovered, and so did the Texans, ... More >>

Never Depend On A QB Named "The Sex Cannon"

I stumbled over to the Texans website the other day, and after looking through things for a bit, I guess that I should buy my Super Bowl tickets because, if you listen to Texans employee Marc Vandermeer, this is an outstanding team at every position on the field. I especially like how he calls the s ... More >>

Can the Houston Texans Get Garcia In This Rosenfels Trade? Jeff Can Come, Too

Photo by gr750 NFL free agency starts today. And since the Houston Texans are trading Sage Rosenfels to the Minnesota Vikings, they find themselves in desperate need of a backup quarterback. And with Matt Schaub as the number one QB, the Texans are going to desperately need a proven backup for tho ... More >>

Can the Houston Texans Get Garcia In This Rosenfels Trade? Jeff Can Come, Too

Photo by gr750 NFL free agency starts today. And since the Houston Texans are trading Sage Rosenfels to the Minnesota Vikings, they find themselves in desperate need of a backup quarterback. And with Matt Schaub as the number one QB, the Texans are going to desperately need a proven backup for tho ... More >>

Texans Looking to Trade Sage Rosenfels to Minnesota

Photo by Mark C. AustinSage Rosenfels had that awful end in the game against the Indianapolis Colts. And Rosenfels wanted to be traded before last season. None of that should matter. Not when Matt Schaub, the Texans so-called number one quarterback, makes Tracy McGrady look like the Cal Ripken ... More >>

Tuesday Morning Quarterbacking: This One Was All Kubiak

Matt Schaub Injured and Out for At Least Four Games

NFL Review, Week Three: Bad Challenges, Tricky Snaps and Playboy Bunnies

Hope for the Houston Texans?

Gary Kubiak and team search for their first winning season

Progress Report: Jason Friedman Ponders Kim Kardashian's Butt. Oh, and the Houston Texans too.

It's Time for Mario Williams to Shine. Or Else.

And Now, a Word or Three on the Texans