Mitt Romney

Pissed Grave: Let's Pee On American Hitler

It's a well-known fact that most band names are essentially gobbledygook, but here at Houston Press we're trying hard to find meaning in the oddest monikers. I live for a band like Dallas' Pissed Grave, honestly. Oh, not because they're especially brilliant or move me musically or anything. I just ... More >>

5 New Careers For Failed Reality Show Star Mitt Romney

The man above lost the election last night, and now that he no longer has dinners, fundraisers, parties, or babies to kiss, he needs something to do. He's sewn his wild political oats and now he must find his way in this brave new world of his. And ours. He needs a new career away from politics, b ... More >>

Bronco Bama For The Win: Your Election Night 2012 Live Blog & Comment Feed

"There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth or something I guess..." -- Luke 13:28, A Copy Of The Bible I Swiped From A Hotel Room Hello and welcome to Hair Balls' election night live blog and comment, where tonight I will be chronicling the mania of the 2012 presidential ... More >>

Country Club Sopranos

American banks are on a massive crime spree. Obama and Romney hope you won’t notice.

A Gallery Of U.S. Presidents Working On Their Fitness

I don't know about you guys, but when I looked at the crop of Republican presidential candidates about a year ago, as the media and primary wars waged on, I could only think about what they would look like jogging or working out. It's a hidden hot-button issue. Depraved, mindless people like me vote ... More >>

Election 2012: Vote With Your Sweet Tooth Not Your Heart

Looking to advertise your political views in a consumable form, specifically circular baked goods? You are in luck this election season. Two Houston bakeries are not only offering themed Republican and Democrat cookies but are also tracking their sales: What better way to cater those debate-watch ... More >>

Don't Bother Voting: An East Texas Eggplant Has Foretold the Next President

An East Texas woman claims that God has manifested Himself in her garden in the form of a miraculous eggplant that foretells the winner of the presidential election. Kathryn Murray of Broaddus in San Augustine County claims that because one of her eggplants is shaped like a mitten, Mitt Romney will ... More >>

Mitt's Binder Speaks!!

The take-away moment from Tuesday's second presidential debate came from Mitt Romney, who bragged about having "a binder full of women." He meant, we think, a list of potential hires to help him balance out gender inequality in the office of the Massachusetts governor, but really, when you're intro ... More >>

Comment of the Day: Hey Mitt, About That Binder

We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning or afternoon from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula i ... More >>

Obama, Romney & "Binders Full of Women": Our Take on the Debate

Is it hackneyed to whine about presidential debates' failure to make candidates actually answer questions and to be held to the truth? Probably, but we'll do it anyway, if only for a moment. For most of Tuesday night's dick-measuring contest, we dreamed of a world where Hair Balls moderated debates, ... More >>

Binders of Women and Wine

We here at Eating Our Words love political humor as much as the next food blog. And so do the good folks at Underbelly, as seen above. After last night's presidential debate in which Republican candidate claimed to have "binders of women" that he looked through in order to find viable female cabine ... More >>

The Ten Most Corrupt Tax Loopholes

If Mitt Romney won't tell you which need to be closed, we will.

Post Presidential Debates, Rick Perry, Whatchya Plannin? (Please Not A 2016 Presidential Run)

It's been a bizarre few weeks for the Gov. The madness began in late August when Perry said he would "absolutely" consider another run at the presidency, adding that 2016 is a long ways off and "a lot of good things can happen." Oh, Rick. What "good things" are those? Did you mean the impending Ch ... More >>

Last Night's Debate: Mitt Romney's Weird Half-Smile Forever Seared Into Our Brains

The Face was somewhere between the look you make while waiting for a fart to dissipate on the subway and the countenance furnished when your father makes a totally weird joke in front of your girlfriend. Pained, embarrassed, and wonderfully awkward. It's difficult to pinpoint what, exactly, was the ... More >>

Why Mitt Romney Won't Win The Debate Tonight: He Won't Shut Up About The Economy. Mitt, We Get It Already.

Once, while reflecting on his tumultuous tenure as Secretary of Defense during the Vietnam War, Robert McNamara said: "Don't answer the question you were asked. Answer the question you wish you were asked." This may have allowed the folly of the Vietnam War to continue for nearly a decade, but it wa ... More >>

What Wine Didn't Romney Drink in Boca Raton?

This weekend, after-dinner conversation with family focused on presidential politics, the upcoming campaign, and politically hued media bias. Talk of Romney's "47 percent" comment got me thinking: Which red wine was in the decanter on the table seen in the now infamous candid video of Romney that ... More >>

Paul Ryan's Airplane Stuck in Houston -- How'd He Spend the Delay?

On the campaign trail, there's not a moment that goes unused. BlackBerries -- oh, the BlackBerries. While the iPhone triumphs in the general population, it appears the only subspecies of man still trolling with BlackBerries are the political stooges and groupies. Every time there's a lapse in schedu ... More >>

Wait A Second, Did Mitt Romney Just Mess With Texas? (He did.)

For all the analysis that has sprung from Mitt Romney's stoopid rather imprudent comments, which magazine Mother Jones captured and released earlier this week, it's possible one thing has been lost in the tumult. Mitt Romney just messed with Texas. He just messed with it but good. According to Tax ... More >>

Comment of the Day: Romney's 47-Percent Gaffe

We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning or afternoon from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula i ... More >>

Why Romney's Quote Won't Matter In November

If you haven't been living under a rock the past 24 hours, you have no doubt read and reread and watched Mitt Romney's secret fundraising video from earlier this year where he admitted to donors who his true base was. The Mother Jones-leaked clip was immediately thrust across the social media landsc ... More >>

Comment of the Day: Voting For Romney

We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning or afternoon from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula i ... More >>

It Ain't Racial, It's Just That Almost 80 Percent Of White Texans Support Mitt Romney

There hasn't been much presidential polling in Texas for good reason this cycle -- with Rick Perry disastrously out of the race, why bother? But the good folks at WPA Opinion Research have filled the void with a new post-Dem-convention survey, and no one should be surprised that it shows President ... More >>

Let's Get Ahead Of Ourselves: Romney Wins, Dies, And Paul Ryan Takes Over? Introducing Paul Ryan's America

For a moment, let's talk fantasy. Let's say Mitt Romney somehow overcomes all of his apparent weakness -- Bain Capital rapaciousness, tax-record speculation, rich-guy aloofness -- and somehow ekes past President Obama in November in one of the narrowest victories in recent American politics. Democra ... More >>

From The GOP Convention: The Seven Craziest Souvenirs

Our sister paper Miami New Times is hard at work covering the 2012 Republican convention in Florida. To which we say Thank Christ because, you know, someone has to. We did our time in the Dome in 1992. New Times' Victor Gonzalez has been roaming the halls, looking for the mementoes available to att ... More >>

The Republican Candidate's Guide To Picking Campaign Music

This week Republicans from around the country gather in Florida to celebrate all things conservative and curse Issac for stealing the national spotlight. For me the 2012 Republican National Convention marks the true start of the presidential campaign season, the playoffs to the primaries' regular se ... More >>

Your Gonzo Guide to the Republican National Convention

From cash-hungry strippers to protesters dressed as vaginas.

Silversun Pickups, thelastplaceyoulook, Toadies Top BuzzFest 29 Lineup

Today the lineup for the fall 2012 edition of 94.5 The Buzz's BuzzFest 29 leaked onto Pollstar and the rock station's Web site. The fall fest is headed up by Silversun Pickups, Lit, Eve 6, Toadies, Three Days Grace, 10 Years and thelastplaceyoulook, who will be coming home from a month-long jaunt wi ... More >>

Grading Ted Cruz on Meet The Press: Meh

In his first national, mainstream media appearance since the Republican Senate nominee won the runoff election late last month, Ted Cruz displayed on Meet The Press yesterday what propelled him past Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst last month in the runoff: An ability to say pretty things, and make everyone ... More >>

Insane Clown Posse Incites Spiritual Debate, Asks "Where's God?"

Here's a Video of the Entire Geto Boys Show From Saturday's Juggalo Gathering We've all asked the question, believers or non-believers alike: "Where's God?" In times of personal trial, family strife, financial disaster, or just sailing the choppy seas of relationships, when we need some sort of sup ... More >>

¿Como se dice "Whoops?": 5 Musicians' Romney-esque Blunders In Foreign Lands

Mitt Romney had a troublesome time during his recent trip abroad, pissing off politicians and citizens in England, Palestine, and Poland (although to be fair, that last one was simply a guy who worked for Romney, not Romney himself). Besides providing a potential future Ted Nugent album name -- "Ki ... More >>

8 Musical Activities That Should Be Olympic Sports

After years of preparation, unprecedented security, and a Mitt Romney gaffe or two, the opening ceremonies of the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London get underway about 3 p.m. Houston time. At the same time, multitudes will gather in nearby Hyde Park for a free concert with Duran Duran, Snow Patrol, ... More >>

NAACP Likes Joe Biden More Than Mitt Romney (Just In Case You Had Your Doubts)

What did Vice President Joe Biden prove to the delegates of National Association for the Advancement of Colored People? That he's not as white as super whitey-white GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney who, on Wednesday, jabbed attendees (on purpose, even?) of the 103rd NAACP Annual Convention wit ... More >>

Eerily Familiar: KPRC, KTRK and KHOU Getting Dinged by Same AP Headline

It was a pretty safe bet that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney would face what Rodney Dangerfield called a "tough crowd" at the NAACP annual convention being held at the George R. Brown Convention Center this week. Romney's platform of repealing Obamacare and tax cuts for the "job creators" ar ... More >>

Whitest Man Alive Tries To Curry Favor With Blacks, Somehow Doesn't Succeed

Mitt Romney, the whitest Republican presidential nominee since every single Republican presidential nominee before him, informed an auditorium of black people at the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People conference in Houston today that he, stilted awkward whiteness aside, knows ... More >>

Aliens Welcome: A Playlist for World UFO Day

Having grown up on Unsolved Mysteries and Time-Life books... as well as being completely ignorant of organized religion, my head is full of a thousand examples of Fortean phenomena, unexplainable happenings, and tales of a eldritch and incomprehensible world that gnaws at the edge of reality like a ... More >>

Election Eve Viewing Party

Gay Bullying: Efforts To Fight It Are Improving

Being gay in the harsh environment of high school or college can be difficult and depressing. It's been that way for years, as a gay classmate of Mitt Romney found out. While the problem is still persistent, efforts to fight it have become both more widespread and more effective. It's a developmen ... More >>

American Parasite

Mitt Romney's years at Bain represent everything you hate about capitalism.

Mitt Romney, American Parasite: A Look at Bain Capital

Mitt Romney has survived the serial challenges by circus clowns that was the GOP primary, and now he is out to sell the American public on his vision for the country. Some workers who have experienced that vision have some qualms about it. Romney ran Bain Capital, an investment company. As Village ... More >>

Tax Day: The 5 Best Things About It

Tomorrow is deadline day for filing your federal income taxes. Normally, that's a terrible thing. No one except Warren Buffett is eager to pay taxes. And it's worse for us members of the hoi polloi, for while we're handing over a big chunk of our wages, we do it knowing some one-percenter member of ... More >>

Forget Etch-a-Sketch: Vintage `60s Toys For Newt, Obama & Rick

A spokesman for Mitt Romney stepped in it this week when he cited the 1960s toy Etch-a-Sketch when discussing how easy it would be for his candidate to pivot, issues-wise, from appealing to the rightwingers of the GOP primary to the more centrist voters in the general election. It was a bad metapho ... More >>

Rocks Off's Ultra-Hip Rodeo Concert Guide: Kid Rock

Date: February 29 Name: Kid Rock AKA: "Bob Ritchie" Genre: Mullet rap

In Other News, LMFAO Is Big Enough To Play Toyota Center Now

So this past week I was in Las Vegas for a friend's bachelor party. Standard dude stuff: Plenty of gambling, embittered ATM withdrawals, inordinate amounts of cursing, and the ever-present din of LMFAO at most every turn. I think at one point I heard their "Sexy And I Know It" in the restroom of th ... More >>

Jack Donaghy Backs Romney: Our Favorite TV Characters Vote

The Republicans are whittling down now to the bare bones. Not to discredit anyone, but the race is basically Rom vs. Newt for the win. While we don't really miss the circus show that was the Republican Party just a few short months ago, at least we had more options. Now that we are getting down to t ... More >>

SPECIAL MORMON EDICION

Mormons: Whether We Should Hate Them or Not

A Shallow Yet Helpful Guide

James McMurtry Can Make It Here

​One of the truly gifted Texas songsmiths, James McMurtry has carved a nice, viable career out of great lyrics, stellar playing, hard touring, a good work ethic, and common sense. His last two studio albums, Childish Things (2005) and Just Us Kids (2008), established McMurtry as one of the mos ... More >>

Rick Perry Gets Roasted Over Debate Performance -- By Conservatives

Rick Perry sucked last night, pundits agree​If you're going by the the opinions of the rightwing talking heads and pundits who fill up Fox News airspace, then Rick Perry had a terrible debate last night and the bloom definitely seems to be off the rose. Maybe it's the drought. Politico, the ... More >>

A Mainstream Mormon's Test of Faith

Seven months have passed since the polygamist raid in Eldorado, but the effects linger

What the Presidential Candidates Are Like to Party With