New England Patriots

2013 NFL Draft, First Round: 4 Winners, 4 Losers

All right, it's Friday morning, and either you're hungover from getting destroyed by the Battle-Drink BINGO drinking card for the NFL Draft or you're mentally exhausted from sweating out all the NFL Draft prop bets I shared with you earlier this week. Either way, however shitty you feel is likely my ... More >>

NFL Free Agency 2013: "Dead Money" Overview

As a concept, the NFL salary cap is a fairly easy one to understand. Unlike the NBA, with its myriad of loopholes, exceptions, and fine print that allow teams like the Lakers and, well, almost everyone else to zoom past the artificial "cap", the NFL is a simple hard cap. What you spend is what what ... More >>

The Truth About Tom Brady's New Contract (With Special Guest Star Matt Schaub!)

Of the three major professional sports leagues, football has the methodology of compensation that is the least broken and the fiscal system that is least susceptible to ruin at the hands of compulsively spending owners, and it's all because of the NFL's policy of utilizing non-guaranteed contracts. ... More >>

Grading the Texans Season: The Good, The Bad and The Seriously Ugly

Ultimately, the 2012-13 Houston Texans season will go down as a disappointment. An impressive 11-1 start gave way to a 1-3 finish, loss of home field advantage and second straight one win and out in the playoffs. Still, there were some bright spots for the team and some of the individual players thi ... More >>

Good, Not Great: Why Texans Need A Daryl Morey Approach To QB Position

If good is the enemy of great, the Texans are in a lot of trouble as they map out a plan to break through their second-round ceiling. Owner Bob McNair and head coach Gary Kubiak are publically saying the happy, feel-good things. "We're very close," McNair said after the loss in New England, while K ... More >>

As A Quarterback, Matt Schaub Is The Worst Kind Of High Maintenance Chick

"What if this is the best I'll ever look, the best I'll ever be, the best I'll ever do-and it's not very good?" -- Mitch Robbins in City Slickers For the Houston Texans, 2012 was supposed to be better than 2011. I suppose if you want to take the term "better" to its ultra-literal core, the team's r ... More >>

Songza: Can a "Musical Concierge" Match Your Mood?

"Working? Relaxing? At the gym? Songza plays you the right music at the right time." Or so it thinks. I do a lot of weird stuff, Songza. As I write this, I am still nursing a swift kick in the feels after a brutally frustrating Sunday-evening Texans loss to the New England Patriots. Where is the ... More >>

[PHOTO] The Day After: Wondering if The Guy with the Texans-Themed Truck Has Regrets

Boy oh boy oh boy, Sunday was a tough day for football fans in Houston. The Texans got crushed once again by the New England Patriots in Foxboro, this time ending their season on a decidedly down note. Our own Abrahán Garza happened to spy this Texans-themed truck with the "SKOOL" license plate par ... More >>

Arian Foster Changes Profile Pic on Twitter to Piece of Scathing Boston Globe Column

In case you hadn't seen the column by Dan Shaughnessy in Sunday's Boston Globe ripping the Houston Texans -- our own Sean Pendergast wrote about it this morning -- you can get a glimpse of at least a couple paragraphs of it in an interesting place: Arian Foster's Twitter feed. The Texans Pro Bowl r ... More >>

Texans 19, Bengals 13: Bulls On Parade Are Back, But Schaub Holds Key

Make no mistake about it. For the first time in weeks, the Texans showed flashes of their former Super Bowl-contending selves. But without a steadier performance from quarterback Matt Schaub, it won't matter. The once-famed "Bulls on Parade" defense overwhelmed Cincinnati (10-7) and second-year qu ... More >>

Texans-Vikings: 4 Winners, 71,688 Losers

There were 71,688 (mostly) Texan fans in Reliant Stadium on Sunday. It's been a while since they've trudged back out to the Blue Lot feeling like they did on Sunday after the Minnesota Vikings' methodical 23-6 dismantling of the home team. The Packers game earlier this year while unacceptable was un ... More >>

Texans-Colts: The 10 Best AFC South-Clinching Rapper Tweets

Houston has a professional football team. That teams is called the Houston Texans. A lot of people like them. Some of those people are rappers. The Internet has several forms of social media. One of those forms of social media is called Twitter. A lot of people use it. Some of them are rappers. Ju ... More >>

Texans-Colts: NEW BATTLE-DRINK Bingo Drinking Card, "Andrew Luck Comes Home" Edition

Heading into this past Monday night, there was about as wide a chasm as there could possibly be riding on the outcome of the Texans' game with the New England Patriots. With the Colts having knocked off the Titans 27-23 the day before, the possible consequences of Monday's outcome were as follows: ... More >>

Stormy Monday: Texans v Patriots Will Be Wet, Cold and Ugly

In week 10 in the NFL, the Texans went on the road and impressed a lot of people, beating the Bears 13-6 on a wet, blustery night in Chicago. If they are to do it again and come closer to clinching home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, they will have to face similar conditions once again, th ... More >>

2012: Year of the Texans

Assessing all their strengths and weaknesses, we could be looking at a repeat or better.

All Week Long: $50 Floor Seats to Chesney & McGraw's "Brothers of the Sun" Show

You know an upcoming show is a big one when you see an actual TV commerical about it like we did on VH1 over the weekend. Also a good tipoff: The concert is at the same venue where the Houston Texans will soon enough start their 2012 season. So all week long, but only this week, Rocks Off and the H ... More >>

Comment of the Day: Skanks 'r' Us Edition

We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning or afternoon from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula i ... More >>

Rob Gronkowski Gal Pal Bibi Jones Bids Farewell To Porn

Earlier this week, the New England Patriots reportedly let their Pro Bowl tight end Rob Gronkowski know that it was time to dial back the body shots off of hookers, slow down on the shirtless club dancing, and say "NO" to random minor league home run derbies. Work starts again in ten days. The "Summ ... More >>

Patriots Owner Robert Kraft Shows Off His Porno-esque Acting Chops

One of the lasting images of last season's NFL lockout took place in the press conference after the owners and players reached an agreement in late July. Jeff Saturday, at the time the center for the Indianapolis Colts, embraced and paid tribute to New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, whose wife ... More >>

Texans Release 2012 Schedule: Five Early Thoughts

It's often not whom you play, but when you play. That's the key item to consider when evaluating an NFL schedule release. Ranking schedules based on prior-year records, as some media outlets did this week in proclaiming an "easy" slate for the Texans, can be misleading. For example, Denver -- sche ... More >>

4 Warnings -- Your Guide to Listening to Super Bowl Week Talk Radio

Super Bowl hype week is underway, and I know that many of you will be consuming sports talk radio this week in an effort to get ready for the big game. (I know many of you won't be, and I understand that as well. I hate me some me sometimes, too. It's okay.) The general public service announcement ... More >>

Patriots Seal AFC Title with a Kiss (w/ AWKWARD Video)

Bal'mer is gonna be tough on Billy Cundiff. Indeed.​The Patriots and the Ravens played a classic AFC championship game yesterday that featured various twists and turns, including a couple of bizarre brain cramps from Pats quarterback Tom Brady, a "turn back the clock" performance by the hefty ... More >>

Texans, Saints, Tebow and Eli! This Weekend's NFL Playoff Best Bets

The scarcity of games on these NFL playoff weekends is a huge reason why wagering in the postseason can be a death trap of second-guessing for me. Fewer games on the board means there's way more time to focus (and, frankly, OVER-focus if there is such a thing) on the scant few games being played. ... More >>

NFL Week 17 Viewing Guide -- What in the Blue Hell Each Game Means

"College football has the best regular season of any sport, and the lack of a playoff is one big reason why." -- Bill Hancock, Executive Director, Bowl Cartel Championship Series That's my favorite inane argument against a college football playoff -- that somehow the existence of a playoff cheapens ... More >>

Craig James for Senate! The Campaign Begins (w/ VIDEO)

He does have one very good reason to vote for him...​I'm not a big politics guy. I don't like to talk politics on my radio show (EVER), I don't like to talk politics in social situations (People take it too personally), and I don't spend any of my free time studying the issues (I spend my free ... More >>

2011 NFL Preview, Spoken In Wagering-ese

The betting window is open​I hope everyone who has had a chance to check out our Texans 2011 preview "The New Normal" has enjoyed it. Big ups to Monica Fuentes for coming up with the season-long interactive game card tracking Texans' results. You need to go check it out. If you haven't read ... More >>

Thursday NFL Free Agent Update: Is Wade Phillips Still Missing?

What's more glamorous, dude: New York or Houston?​As I type this, it's 4:36 p.m. on Thursday and the Texans' free agency activity still can be summed up as follows: 1. Backup offensive tackle Rashad Butler 2. Backup wide receiver Jacoby Jones 3. Backup Matt Leinart No cornerbacks, no safeti ... More >>

Brian Tuohy's The Fix Is In: Nothing In Sports Is As It Seems

OTOH, maybe the fix isn't in​As hard as it might be to believe, every Super Bowl since 1996 has been fixed. No, not fixed by gamblers or players trying to throw the game. But instead fixed by the NFL. Sure it sounds a bit far-fetched, but that's the allegation made by Brian Tuohy in his book, The ... More >>

Game Time: Best of the Best -- Top 10 Moments from Clutch City Rockets (w/video)

Consensus Number One​I am a total sucker for lists.This makes me like roughly 95 percent of society; the fact that I openly admit I'm a sucker for lists makes me a little more unique. There are so many list books, list columns, list blog posts (many by yours truly) that it seems by admitting you ... More >>

Game Time: Texans Playoff Rooting Manifesto 3.0..."Jim Caldwell Sucks" Edition

​There will be no need for 2,000 words to explain the various permutations of things that need to happen this week for the Texans to make the 2009 NFL Playoffs. Thanks to the various dominoes falling yesterday, heading into Week 17, the following scenario needs to play out:-- Texans beat the Patri ... More >>

Game Time: The Decade's Five Most Lucrative Miracles

​First, I want to wish everybody out there a very happy holiday, and thank all of you who have read my stuff here on HoustonPress.com since I started up a couple months ago, especially those of you who leave comments (even if you think what you've just read is utter drivel, and you're telling me ... More >>

Top Ten Sports Moments of 2008

10. Danica Patrick won the Indy Japan 300 to become the first woman to win a major (NASCAR, Indy, Formula One) auto race. 9. Atlanta Braves pitcher Tom Glavine won his 300th game, then retired at the end of the season, to just about cement his selection into the Baseball Hall of Fame in five ye ... More >>

Top Ten Sports Moments of 2008

10. Danica Patrick won the Indy Japan 300 to become the first woman to win a major (NASCAR, Indy, Formula One) auto race. 9. Atlanta Braves pitcher Tom Glavine won his 300th game, then retired at the end of the season, to just about cement his selection into the Baseball Hall of Fame in five ye ... More >>

Houston Texans Remain Positive, and Maybe That’s the Problem

John Royal's NFL Power Rankings

NFL Review, Week One: Ahman Green, Cedric Benson, Tom Brady and Rosario Dawson

The Return of the Kashmere Stage band

A Day in the Life of Cable Sports Programming

John Royal’s NFL Picks: Channeling Madden and Picking the Giants Anyway

Giselle Bundchen, Carrie Underwood, Bridget Moynihan and Jessica Simpson -- Yep, We're Talking Football

Jason Friedman’s NFL Picks, Week 15: Tomahawk Chop, Baby Jesus and One Grisly Neck Beard

John Royal’s NFL Picks, Week 12: Forget the Drumstick, Let’s Wing It

Jason Friedman’s NFL Picks, Week 12: Lions, Turducken and Bears...

(Texans vs. Raiders) (Pats vs. Colts) = Pass the Prozac Please

John Royal's NFL Picks, Week Nine: Getting Rid of the Hired Help, Going with the Raiders

Jason Friedman’s NFL Picks, Week Eight: Staring Zeus in the Eye, Daring Him to Flinch

Jason Friedman’s NFL Picks, Week Four: Salma Hayek, the Green Bay Packers, Anna Kournikova and the Baltimore Ravens

Long Snaps with Bryan Pittman: God, Elephantitis and Those Damn Dirty Patriots

Boobs, Balls and Beer

Check out what's brewing for Super Sunday

Bash-ing the Bigwigs

Come Super Bowl week, you can still party downtown, even if you're not very important