Subject: Tom Bergeron

• Miss Pop Rocks: I Can’t Get Enough of Marie Osmond Fainting

  October 29, 2007

• Current Television Shows That Premiered When I Was Still A Virgin

  The other day I had a random thought: When "COPS" first aired, wasn't, like, Jimmy Carter the president? Dang. I just went back and checked. That show premiered when I was in junior high. JUNIOR HIGH. Do you know how long ago that was? I'm not ashamed to say I'm 32 and lookin' fine, but my God. Junior high. And "COPS" has been on all this time. Wow. I used to watch it as a kid and laugh at all the boys at my school who would sing the theme song as they pretended to arrest each other on

  February 12, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Dazzle Me Steamy

  ​"Tonight is Latin night, and things are about to get steamy," Tom Bergeron intoned over the opening montage of last night's Dancing With the Stars. Half of that statement is true. This is week three, when the contestants sack up and start showing some real fire, or in the case of Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay, the creepy vibe you get off that old guy that shouldn't be at the bar hitting on your friends. Lady Co-Host looked different. Like, a whole new person. Could this be possible? I co

  October 6, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Dazzle Me Steamy

  ​"Tonight is Latin night, and things are about to get steamy," Tom Bergeron intoned over the opening montage of last night's Dancing With the Stars. Half of that statement is true. This is week three, when the contestants sack up and start showing some real fire, or in the case of Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay, the creepy vibe you get off that old guy that shouldn't be at the bar hitting on your friends. Lady Co-Host looked different. Like, a whole new person. Could this be possible? I co

  October 6, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Bidding Dazzle (and Debi) Adieu

  We'll remember the good times, Tom! Or something like that...​News broke yesterday afternoon that the unthinkable had happened: Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay -- former House Majority Leader, money launderer, and friend to the working man -- would be quitting Dancing With the Stars because of those pesky stress fractures he'd acquired from his rockin' moves. All day I hoped the news wouldn't be true, but alas, my hopes were for naught. That old man quit on us. I thought I'd already lost my i

  October 7, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Bidding Dazzle (and Debi) Adieu

  We'll remember the good times, Tom! Or something like that...​News broke yesterday afternoon that the unthinkable had happened: Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay -- former House Majority Leader, money launderer, and friend to the working man -- would be quitting Dancing With the Stars because of those pesky stress fractures he'd acquired from his rockin' moves. All day I hoped the news wouldn't be true, but alas, my hopes were for naught. That old man quit on us. I thought I'd already lost my

  October 7, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Things Ain't The Same Without Delay

  Someone needs to find this guy a hobby...​I'll be honest: I didn't know if I'd be able to find the strength to soldier on now that Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay had left Dancing With the Stars. What light be light if Tommy be not seen? Now I finally knew what Jesse and Slater meant when they sang "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You." Tom Bergeron tried to make me forget my pain when he breathlessly informed viewers last night that four new dances were being introduced in a first for t

  October 13, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Bad Luck, Chuck

  If you watch this, you're going to need to explain yourself​The arrival of another Dancing With the Stars results show always fills me with a queasy mix of relief and dread. Relief, because it's only an hour long instead of two, and another couple will be eliminated, bringing us all that much closer to the end of the season and, presumably, freedom; dread, because the results are stretched to the breaking point over an endless and lamentable parade of bad pop numbers and curious stage perf

  October 14, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Do The Hustle!

  ​It's week five of Dancing With the Stars, but I don't know how many are left. I don't have the commitment to count the couples and do the math, plus there could be special eps or extra fillers or reunion shows or who knows what all. Basically, I know there's an end in sight, I just don't know when it'll arrive. Tom Bergeron's breathless intro revealed that some of the contestants have been dealing with the flu, which has knocked the blond guy dancing with Joanna out of commission, so sh

  October 20, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Damn That Michael Irvin!

  ​It's the halfway point of the season! Tom Bergeron said so! I wish he'd said that the night before, when I was glumly pondering how many more episodes this season would foist upon an innocent populace. But there you go: only a few left. Here's hoping someone gets really hurt. The opening credits, by the way, still feature all the dancers, even those who've been kicked off. It's like that point toward the end of the season on Real World/Road Rules Challenge, when CT's still in the openin

  October 21, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Hey, Mambo!

  ​Holy crap, you guys! It's week six of Dancing With the Stars! I thought I'd be dead by now. Tom Bergeron's trademark breathless intro made it sound like the celebrities on this show have been at war or something instead of just wearing sequined shirts and soaking up some free press, but he did bring good news: This week and next will see double eliminations. See? The good balances out the bad. Last night's dances were the waltz and the jitterbug, so, you know, there's also that. Plus it w

  October 27, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: The Michael Irvin Conspiracy

  His partner may or may not be the devil. Just look at those eyes!​Last night's Dancing With the Stars results show kicked off in an even more insanely dramatic fashion than normal. The montage of clips from the competition ep featured fireball cuts and blood and heavy metal! It's like Stephen Colbert without the irony. It was all because this week saw the elimination of two of the "stars," as will next week. Bring on the filler! Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host wasted no time talking about

  October 28, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Go Home Already, Irvin

  A heated competition where anything's possible and the winners are usually juicing: That's right, folks, it's the seventh week of Dancing With the Stars. Let's do it! This week saw another double-dance night -- one individual, one team -- to be followed by another double elimination. And I know I've said this for way too many weeks running, but this has to be the week Michael Irvin finally sucks so much he goes home. HAS TO BE. I have no idea how he's stuck around. Even with all the dancin

  November 3, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Gridiron or Iron Chef, Your Times Have Come

  Last night was the seventh elimination round of this season's Dancing With the Stars, and the second one to see two people go home. I guess at this point in the season the gimmick is starting to wear off? In which case, why not just have fewer contestants to start? Then again, when 16.4 million people still tune in to the competition eps like Monday's, maybe I don't know what America wants. Let's do this! Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host wasted no time before introducing the dancers who did the

  November 4, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: A Grotesque Carnival of Human Misery?

  It's NOT Donny Osmond!​Holy flurking schnit! It's week eight of Dancing With the Stars, which for those who don't know is when the rubber made of stardust meets the road made of awesome and the car of dreams speeds off into, um, Kickassville. I'm just kidding; the show's still incredibly boring! Fooled you! There are only five couples left by now, but rather than make the episodes shorter, the producers have just doubled the dancing, making everyone perform two individual dances this wee

  November 10, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

  ​You guys! YOU GUYS! We're closer to the end of Dancing With the Stars than I'd thought! The grid at Futon Critic only had the show running through next week, the 24th. And then, like manna from sequined heaven, Tom Bergeron confirmed at the top of last night's competition ep that next week will indeed be the end of the season. Happy Thanksgiving, indeed. We're down to four: Donny, Kelly, Joanna, and Mya. Let's skip right past the part where we breathlessly look back at the week before an

  November 17, 2009

• Dancing With the Stars: Suck It, Maxim Model!

  Kelly Osbourne gives her best "suck it, you model bitch" pose.​This is it. The ninth week of Dancing With the Stars has now come and gone. Only now do I understand the bittersweet joy of watching a baby grow up. This week's pointless encore command performance was Mya's salsa, which had earned her a perfect 30 the night before. Len Goodman touted her "tooty fruity booty" in his intro, which was as physically repulsive as you'd imagine. There was also even more filler and teases than ever

  November 18, 2009