Tom Bergeron

Miss Pop Rocks: I Can’t Get Enough of Marie Osmond Fainting

Current Television Shows That Premiered When I Was Still A Virgin

The other day I had a random thought: When "COPS" first aired, wasn't, like, Jimmy Carter the president? Dang. I just went back and checked. That show premiered when I was in junior high. JUNIOR HIGH. Do you know how long ago that was? I'm not ashamed to say I'm 32 and lookin' fine, but my God ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Dazzle Me Steamy

​"Tonight is Latin night, and things are about to get steamy," Tom Bergeron intoned over the opening montage of last night's Dancing With the Stars. Half of that statement is true. This is week three, when the contestants sack up and start showing some real fire, or in the case of Tom "Dazzle ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Dazzle Me Steamy

​"Tonight is Latin night, and things are about to get steamy," Tom Bergeron intoned over the opening montage of last night's Dancing With the Stars. Half of that statement is true. This is week three, when the contestants sack up and start showing some real fire, or in the case of Tom "Dazzle ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Bidding Dazzle (and Debi) Adieu

We'll remember the good times, Tom! Or something like that...​News broke yesterday afternoon that the unthinkable had happened: Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay -- former House Majority Leader, money launderer, and friend to the working man -- would be quitting Dancing With the Stars because of th ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Bidding Dazzle (and Debi) Adieu

We'll remember the good times, Tom! Or something like that...​News broke yesterday afternoon that the unthinkable had happened: Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay -- former House Majority Leader, money launderer, and friend to the working man -- would be quitting Dancing With the Stars because of t ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Things Ain't The Same Without Delay

Someone needs to find this guy a hobby...​I'll be honest: I didn't know if I'd be able to find the strength to soldier on now that Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay had left Dancing With the Stars. What light be light if Tommy be not seen? Now I finally knew what Jesse and Slater meant when they sa ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Bad Luck, Chuck

If you watch this, you're going to need to explain yourself​The arrival of another Dancing With the Stars results show always fills me with a queasy mix of relief and dread. Relief, because it's only an hour long instead of two, and another couple will be eliminated, bringing us all that much ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Do The Hustle!

​It's week five of Dancing With the Stars, but I don't know how many are left. I don't have the commitment to count the couples and do the math, plus there could be special eps or extra fillers or reunion shows or who knows what all. Basically, I know there's an end in sight, I just don't know ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Damn That Michael Irvin!

​It's the halfway point of the season! Tom Bergeron said so! I wish he'd said that the night before, when I was glumly pondering how many more episodes this season would foist upon an innocent populace. But there you go: only a few left. Here's hoping someone gets really hurt. The opening cr ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Hey, Mambo!

​Holy crap, you guys! It's week six of Dancing With the Stars! I thought I'd be dead by now. Tom Bergeron's trademark breathless intro made it sound like the celebrities on this show have been at war or something instead of just wearing sequined shirts and soaking up some free press, but he di ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: The Michael Irvin Conspiracy

His partner may or may not be the devil. Just look at those eyes!​Last night's Dancing With the Stars results show kicked off in an even more insanely dramatic fashion than normal. The montage of clips from the competition ep featured fireball cuts and blood and heavy metal! It's like Stephen ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Go Home Already, Irvin

A heated competition where anything's possible and the winners are usually juicing: That's right, folks, it's the seventh week of Dancing With the Stars. Let's do it! This week saw another double-dance night -- one individual, one team -- to be followed by another double elimination. And I know ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Gridiron or Iron Chef, Your Times Have Come

Last night was the seventh elimination round of this season's Dancing With the Stars, and the second one to see two people go home. I guess at this point in the season the gimmick is starting to wear off? In which case, why not just have fewer contestants to start? Then again, when 16.4 million pe ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: A Grotesque Carnival of Human Misery?

It's NOT Donny Osmond!​Holy flurking schnit! It's week eight of Dancing With the Stars, which for those who don't know is when the rubber made of stardust meets the road made of awesome and the car of dreams speeds off into, um, Kickassville. I'm just kidding; the show's still incredibly borin ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

​You guys! YOU GUYS! We're closer to the end of Dancing With the Stars than I'd thought! The grid at Futon Critic only had the show running through next week, the 24th. And then, like manna from sequined heaven, Tom Bergeron confirmed at the top of last night's competition ep that next week wi ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Suck It, Maxim Model!

Kelly Osbourne gives her best "suck it, you model bitch" pose.​This is it. The ninth week of Dancing With the Stars has now come and gone. Only now do I understand the bittersweet joy of watching a baby grow up. This week's pointless encore command performance was Mya's salsa, which had earn ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: Nearing the Finish Line

​Do you smell that? That potent mixture of stardust, flop sweat, and desperation? It's like burnt cinnamon and broken dreams. And it can mean only one thing: The final week of Dancing With the Stars. The show's whole pointlessness was driven home in Tom Bergeron's opening narration, when he ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars: An Osmond Is Crowned

​Sunriiiiiise, sunset Sunriiiiiise, sunset Swiftly flow the days You guys, I can't believe we've come so far together. We've had so many ups and downs, so much laughter and so many tears. When I began the season of Dancing With the Stars, I was but a boy, but now, I am a bitter, wizened ma ... More >>

Dancing With the Stars ' Dream Rock-Star Cast

​Fluff reality show Dancing With the Stars is (shockingly) in its 11th season, which wraps up with tonight's finale. While browsing this season's "celebrity" dancers - Bristol Palin, Kurt Warner, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, etc. - we couldn't help but fantasize about out ideal musical ve ... More >>

Kemone Dickerson: Groom Accused of Drunken Wedding Day Rampage

Kemone Dickerson: Wedding of the Year​It's not unusual for a groom to take a nip or two before he takes to the altar on his wedding day. As shows like America's Funniest Home Videos have shown us a million times, not infrequently, husbands-to-be overdo it and flub their vows, or in extreme cas ... More >>