U.S. Presidential Election

Don't Bother Voting: An East Texas Eggplant Has Foretold the Next President

An East Texas woman claims that God has manifested Himself in her garden in the form of a miraculous eggplant that foretells the winner of the presidential election. Kathryn Murray of Broaddus in San Augustine County claims that because one of her eggplants is shaped like a mitten, Mitt Romney will ... More >>

Why Mitt Romney Won't Win The Debate Tonight: He Won't Shut Up About The Economy. Mitt, We Get It Already.

Once, while reflecting on his tumultuous tenure as Secretary of Defense during the Vietnam War, Robert McNamara said: "Don't answer the question you were asked. Answer the question you wish you were asked." This may have allowed the folly of the Vietnam War to continue for nearly a decade, but it wa ... More >>

From The GOP Convention: The Seven Craziest Souvenirs

Our sister paper Miami New Times is hard at work covering the 2012 Republican convention in Florida. To which we say Thank Christ because, you know, someone has to. We did our time in the Dome in 1992. New Times' Victor Gonzalez has been roaming the halls, looking for the mementoes available to att ... More >>

The Republican Candidate's Guide To Picking Campaign Music

This week Republicans from around the country gather in Florida to celebrate all things conservative and curse Issac for stealing the national spotlight. For me the 2012 Republican National Convention marks the true start of the presidential campaign season, the playoffs to the primaries' regular se ... More >>

Your Gonzo Guide to the Republican National Convention

From cash-hungry strippers to protesters dressed as vaginas.

Silversun Pickups, thelastplaceyoulook, Toadies Top BuzzFest 29 Lineup

Today the lineup for the fall 2012 edition of 94.5 The Buzz's BuzzFest 29 leaked onto Pollstar and the rock station's Web site. The fall fest is headed up by Silversun Pickups, Lit, Eve 6, Toadies, Three Days Grace, 10 Years and thelastplaceyoulook, who will be coming home from a month-long jaunt wi ... More >>

One Year Ago, Rick Perry Entered The Presidential Race. How'd That Go?

It seems like several lifetimes ago, but in fact it was exactly one year ago today that the world got its first full day of Rick Perry, presidential candidate. With all the pomp, not to mention circumstance, attendant on such an august occasion, the governor of Texas deigned to allow voters to elev ... More >>

Bye, Bye Rick Perry: How Ted Cruz Became Texas' Most-Important Republican -- and He's Not Even Elected!

Rick Perry, it's so over. Sure, you've been fun. Hell, you've been great to us here at Hair Balls. Like that time you thought Solyndra, a solar company, was a country? Or, when you applauded George W. Bush for all his work defending us from freedom? Oh, man. That was a good one. And just recently wh ... More >>

NAACP Likes Joe Biden More Than Mitt Romney (Just In Case You Had Your Doubts)

What did Vice President Joe Biden prove to the delegates of National Association for the Advancement of Colored People? That he's not as white as super whitey-white GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney who, on Wednesday, jabbed attendees (on purpose, even?) of the 103rd NAACP Annual Convention wit ... More >>

Eerily Familiar: KPRC, KTRK and KHOU Getting Dinged by Same AP Headline

It was a pretty safe bet that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney would face what Rodney Dangerfield called a "tough crowd" at the NAACP annual convention being held at the George R. Brown Convention Center this week. Romney's platform of repealing Obamacare and tax cuts for the "job creators" ar ... More >>

Whitest Man Alive Tries To Curry Favor With Blacks, Somehow Doesn't Succeed

Mitt Romney, the whitest Republican presidential nominee since every single Republican presidential nominee before him, informed an auditorium of black people at the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People conference in Houston today that he, stilted awkward whiteness aside, knows ... More >>

NAACP Pledges "Strong Support" For Controversial AG Eric Holder

It was on and then off. When it was back on, it was on. Kind of. Mid-morning Tuesday, United States Attorney General Eric Holder, who had canceled his Monday appearance on account of an airplane delay, addressed the delegates of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People meeting ... More >>

NAACP Focuses on "Outrageous Voter Suppression" at Annual Convention

"We are wading through the greatest wave of legislative assault on the right to vote in more than a century," shouted National Association for the Advancement of Colored People President and CEO Benjamin Todd Jealous into a microphone at an over-air-conditioned exhibit hall at the George R. Brown Co ... More >>

Phone Yawns

Checking your cell.

What If Rick Perry Wasn't Rick Perry? He'd Be Kicking Obama's Ass, For One Thing

What if Rick Perry had never said, "Oops"? What if he could have, for Christ's sake, just remembered that he had wanted to gut the Department of Energy? What if he hadn't climbed into a tan coat and Brett Favre jeans and released that abominable Youtube video -- you know, the gay one. &nbs ... More >>

Rick Santorum & Rick Perry: A Tale of Two Also-Rans

Sad, sad news today for anyone looking to take America back to the 1920s: Rick Santorum is dropping out of his heroic presidential run. Sure, Mitt Romney has taken enough war-on-woman wingnut stands to carry the banner, but has he ever gone to such Santorum lengths as to declare all contraception ... More >>

Forget Etch-a-Sketch: Vintage `60s Toys For Newt, Obama & Rick

A spokesman for Mitt Romney stepped in it this week when he cited the 1960s toy Etch-a-Sketch when discussing how easy it would be for his candidate to pivot, issues-wise, from appealing to the rightwingers of the GOP primary to the more centrist voters in the general election. It was a bad metapho ... More >>

The Rick Perry Comeback Continues: A Shocking Update to the Chart Mitt Romney (& Abortion-Lovers) Doesn't Want You to See

The pundits have declared that there was no clear winner Super Tuesday, except for President Obama. This so-called "analysis" ignores the reality that yesterday's vote demonstrates: The Rick Perry Comeback continues to soar. We showed you the amazing chart indicating Perry's dramatic momentum afte ... More >>

Comment of the Day: The Rick Perry Comeback Bandwagon's Getting Crowded!

We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning, from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involving wit ... More >>

The Rick Perry Comeback: The Chart Mitt Romney Doesn't Want To See

The GOP is still stumbling about, looking for someone to run against President Obama. After vastly outspending his opponent, frontrunner Mitt Romney managed to eke out a victory in his home state. And it was over an all-but-demonstrably certifiable opponent. That's not good. So the "GOP Establishm ... More >>

Montrose, Meet Your New Congressman: Ted Poe, Homophobe

It looks like Texas just might finally have a redistricting map, after several tries. If this one goes through, Montrose will be represented by...Ted Poe. Now, it's not like the neighborhood has been represented by a GLBT-friendly rep prior to redistricting; John Culberson is a hardcore rightwinge ... More >>

Hispanic Savior and a Donkey Devotee

Fear Not: Rick Perry Is Considering Running Again for President in 2016

The GOP presidential primary has had a lot less laughs since Texas governor Rick Perry dropped out. Sure, the idea of Newt Gingrich or Rick Santorum being president is pretty funny, but without Perry there's just something missing. Great news, then: Perry has told ABC News he is considering running ... More >>

Jack Donaghy Backs Romney: Our Favorite TV Characters Vote

The Republicans are whittling down now to the bare bones. Not to discredit anyone, but the race is basically Rom vs. Newt for the win. While we don't really miss the circus show that was the Republican Party just a few short months ago, at least we had more options. Now that we are getting down to t ... More >>

Southern Discomfort: Kinky On the Road

The one-liners come out of Kinky Friedman's mouth so fast you need a protective shield. "The only thing Rick Perry managed to do with his Presidential campaign was to make George W. look like Thomas 'Fucking' Jefferson." "Real people don't get into politics. The only people who get into politics ... More >>

Tea Party Princess

Victoria Jackson went from the big leagues of comedy to the rabid right of modern politics.

SPECIAL MORMON EDICION

Rick Perry Quits: Five Months Of Comic Greatness Down The Drain

He'll always have Iowa​When Rick Perry first announced his intention to be the leader of the free world back in August, we were gleeful at the comic possibilities his race would begin. Alas, the free world, or at least that part of it that isn't rabid Tea Party frothers, didn't want Perry. H ... More >>

10 Rock Stars the GOP Should Nominate for President

As the 2012 presidential race begins to heat up in earnest, Rocks Off can't help but feel that the front-runners for the Republican nomination are lacking a certain je ne sais quoi. Call it star power. Call it sex appeal. Whatever it is, these guys ain't got it. If the GOP is serious about wresti ... More >>

Comment of the Day: A Rick Perry Supporter Baffled By Whole "Sarcasm" Concept

We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning, from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involving wit ... More >>

Rocks Off Picks The GOP Theme Songs

​Now that the Iowa Caucus has narrowed down the field a bit, we would like to take this opportunity to offer some advice to the remaining candidates for the Republican nomination to vie with president Obama in the November election. What you guys need is some catchy theme songs, and we have so ... More >>

Rick Perry Thinks This Picture Will Convince You He's Not Crazy to Keep Running

After a huge thumping in Iowa, where $6 million bought him just 10.3 percent of the vote, Our Governor Rick Perry said he was coming back to Texas to reassess whether God made a mistake in telling him to run for the Presidency. This morning he tweeted, "And the next leg of the marathon is the Palme ... More >>

Gay Rick Perry: The Rumors Resurface

Ready for your Kindle.​Kick a man while he's down, why don't you? Rick Perry has effectively taken himself out of the GOP nomination race, it seems, and he did it by his performance on the stump, not by skeletons in the closet coming out. But now that he's seemingly buried, former state rep ... More >>

Rick Perry's "Politically Incorrect" Ad: Other Things You're Not Allowed to Say

Rick Perry has a new TV ad up in Iowa titled "Politically Incorrect." "Washington is the capital of political correctness, where doublespeak reigns and the truth is frowned upon," he says in it. "You can't say that Congressmen becoming lobbyists is a form of legal corruption. Or that we give aid mo ... More >>

Pop Rocks: A Few (Updated) Non-Pokemon Speeches for Herman Cain

"Over?"​It was fun (to watch) while it lasted, but Herman Cain officially "suspended" his Presidential campaign last weekend. The former Godfather's CEO had long been dogged by accusations of sexual harassment (to say nothing of his unfamiliarity with the Libyan crisis or how to pronounce "Uzb ... More >>

"Homescholers For Perry": NOT Photoshopped, In Case You Were Wondering

Every week or so, since Rick Perry entered the GOP presidential primary, we've gotten an e-mail from someone wanting to know whether our semi-famous "Homescholers for Perry" picture was photoshopped. Usually, it's because they are trying to refudiate a claim from some Perry supporter that the image ... More >>

Rick Perry's Big Campaign-Cash Haul: Phil Gramm Redux?

Connally: One very expensive delegate​The political world is abuzz today with word of Rick Perry's impressive fundraising. Right after he entered the GOP presidential primary, Perry hauled in $17.1 million. The cah grab could "counter the perception that his campaign his struggling," the AP s ... More >>

Five Reasons Why Perry's Attempt to Block Negative Social Media Content Is a Bad Idea

Controlling negative publicity is tough business in the modern world. Virtually everything is caught on tape -- good and bad -- and the Internet provides the ideal place for opposition. From anonymous commenters to bloggers to people on social networking sites, it is impossible to prevent negative c ... More >>

Pop Rocks: Songs In The Key Of [Presidential] Fail

Please god, no.​Poor Michele Bachmann, first the John Wayne/John Wayne Gacy thing, now Tom Petty's piling on as well: The inaugural music-related strike of the 2012 presidential race comes from Tom Petty, who issued a cease and desist letter to Michele Bachmann's campaign to get her to stop ... More >>

Comment of the Day: Rick Perry's Debate Guts

​We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them. So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning, from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even. This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involv ... More >>

Harris County Becomes Democratic

Fox Calls It For Obama. People Desperately Look Up How To Spell "Shadenfreude"

Will Rappers Cost Obama the Election? Will Big & Rich Cost McCain the Election?

Nice Try: Bob Barr Wants John McCain and Barack Obama Thrown Off the Texas Ballot

Do We Finally Have a Republican Candidate Who Can Cure Bird Flu?

We Got It Covered: Last Night's GLBT Forum for Democratic Presidential Candidates

Is Fred Thompson a Real Conservative? And Wouldn’t It Be Cool If These Things Were Still Held in Train Stations?

The Day the Democrats Died

Learning to love the one-party state

Bush vs. McCain

A shot of Texas Shrub with a Budweiser chaser

Twilight of El Jefe