4/20 Food: Crap You Only Eat When Stoned

Giant Sno Ball: every stoner's dream come true
Giant Sno Ball: every stoner's dream come true
Photo courtesy of www.planetdan.net

There are many great and glorious foodstuffs in the world, foodstuffs that are widely acclaimed and highly prized: caviar, bacon, oysters, cheeseburgers, foie gras and fiddlehead ferns.  And then there are those things which one can only properly appreciate when stoned.

Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyuns.

Brian, the ultimate burnout from the pivotal stoner movie Half-Baked, created his own list of favorite foods to eat while baked. And while we don't disagree with his choices, we have a few of our own to add.

Funyuns: best enjoyed baked
Funyuns: best enjoyed baked
Photo courtesy of www.fritolay.com

Topping the list is Funyuns. You see them for sale in convenience stores and poorly-lit Subways, dust gathering on their neon yellow packaging. No one really likes Funyuns, and with good reason. They taste like someone took the grease from the bottom of an onion ring fryer, somehow made it into a powder and reconstituted it as a snack chip. The ring shape of a Funyun only makes the charade more disgusting. Yet they're the first thing stoners the world over turn to when the munchies hit.

Circus peanuts are also high on the list. Their suspiciously spongy texture and unnatural color serve as warning signs to the sober to stay far, far away from this candy item. People don't even give them out as Halloween candy, opting instead for candy corns or -- worse yet -- toothbrushes. Yet, as one staffer put it, they're fair game when high because it's "the only time you'll forget how bad they are."

Any mass-produced snack cakes by Hostess are obviously fan favorites, but Sno Balls are by far the least appealing of the group. Everyone loves Ding-Dongs and Ho-Hos. But you'll be hard-pressed to find a person who naturally gravitates towards the pink coconut-covered monstrosity that is a Sno Ball. Their continued existence and popularity can only be accounted for by stoners, who gobble up the day-glo snack cakes by the fistful.

Everyone agrees that pizza is a staple burnout foodstuff. After all, you don't even have to leave the comfort of your dingy, pot-saturated apartment to get a hot slice of pepperoni -- what could be better? For the low-income potheads, however, a $15 pizza from Papa John's can seriously cut into their weed budget. The solution? CiCi's Pizza. As one staffer noted, "nothing says stoned, broke college kid like a $5 pizza buffet on a Sunday afternoon."

Orange-colored sodium-paste in a can!
Orange-colored sodium-paste in a can!

Easy Cheese is yet another food consumed primarily by poor college kids and the baked. One staffer has fond memories of the bright orange "Cheese," when he "used to spray it between two Pringles and eat them." While I fully admit to eating possibly a metric, sodium-drenched ton of Easy Cheese sprayed onto Chicken in a Biskit crackers during my college years, I can profess with a clean conscience that it was due to abject poverty brought on by library fines. Other than these uses and being employed as a novelty item (Look how much Easy Cheese I can spray in my mouth!), we're unsure of any other application for pressurized, pasturized "cheese" product.

Strong runners up included Little Debbie snack cakes (which aren't nearly as repellent as Hostess snack cakes), "breakfast cereals with diabetically high sugar content" and Tab. Theoretically speaking, of course, what are your guilty pleasures?


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