Fast Times

5 Fast Food "Secret Menu" Burgers You Probably Shouldn't Try

Remember the McGangbang? Yeah, sorry...We're sorry we brought it up again, too. But it got us thinking: Surely there have to be other "secret menu" items lurking out there, just waiting to be discovered.

And because we live in a sick, sick world, there are. So we dug them up for you, because we're just as sick.

Check out these 5 "Secret Menu" Fast Food Burgers:

Disclaimer: You may not be able to order the burgers by name, but if you seek mediocre thrills in life and want to give it a go, don't forget to document it on YouTube for the rest of us.

5. White Castle's Surf & Turf Sliders

The Harold & Kumar stoners enthusiasts at White Castle have really outdone themselves this time. Whilst being very liberal with the name Surf & Turf, they've created a triple-decker beef and fish slider that is sure to please at least one or two really blasted kids at 3 a.m.

The sandwich, featuring one of their "tastiest beef alternatives" (for real, you guys; that's from their Web site), goes a little something like this: bun, questionable disk of beef, onions, cheese, tastiest-alternative-to-beef fish patty, bun, questionable disk of beef, onions, cheese, bun.

The tasty (now we're being liberal) little sandwich was apparently once a part of their menu in the '80s, and obviously they brought it back for Valentine's Day last year...obviously. But as it was a limited time only (we wonder why?), it still sits pretty on our list. Luckily, you can savor this creation even if it's not on the menu -- just slap together the double cheese and fish sliders. Rumor has it they sell Crispy Jalapeno Sliders now, too, so if you're super-high...

4. Burger King's Rodeo Burger

The Rodeo Burger is another blast from the past, as it was on BK's menu in the late '90s to promote the film Small Soldiers (we have the commercial for proof). And it was freaking good...kinda. Basically the chain's regular cheeseburger topped with fried onion rings and barbecue sauce, it was as good as it possibly could be given the fact that you were getting it at a Burger King.

You may still be able to order this one by name, as some BKs may still have it in their system; but if not, don't fret -- it's easy enough to create yourself. For those of you having a really rough day, that means: Order a plain cheeseburger, get onion rings and ask for barbecue sauce.

3. McDonald's Land, Sea & Air Burger

Before the Frankenstorm came the Frankenburger. Not to be outdone by the McGangbang, the LS+A burger stuffs Ronald's infamous Filet-O'-Fish and a crispy chicken patty into a regular ol' cheeseburger. How can this possibly be good? We're pretty sure it's not...

Of the burger, one brave YouTuber stated: "It's not horrible; it's just a lot of tastes that probably shouldn't be mixed together."

We'll pass for now -- but if you're daring enough to try, do tell.

2. Wendy's Meat Cube

When Dave's Hot 'N Juicy ¾ Pound Triple just doesn't do it for you, have no fear -- the meat cube is here! It's called a meat cube because they add another quarter-pound patty to the three quarter-pound patties already on the sandwich...and then it forms a cube. Get it?

The repulsive-sounding sandwich is also known as a Grand Slam, but that's just not as fun to say.

Meat cube! Sorry, we had to say it one more time.

1. McDonald's Mc10:35

The second McDonald's frankensandwich on our list is brunch at its best. And by best, we mean absolute worst. This is the perfect way to start your day if you're too hungover to make it to an actual brunch, but just okay enough to make it to a Mickey D's before 10:30 for breakfast.

At 10:25 (five minutes prior to end time so as to not be a doosh to the staff), go ahead and order yourself an Egg McMuffin. But wait -- don't eat it!

No friends, see, you wait. You wait till lunch starts at 10:30 and then order yourself a McDouble. The food should be ready by 10:35, at which point you remove the bun of your choosing (we'd keep the muffin), smash the rest together and ugly cry until last night's makeup comes off and you've taken down the entire sandwich and the leftover bun.

And that, you guys, is how you eat a Mc10:35!

Now give yourself a pat on the back -- your life is officially a mess.

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Brooke Viggiano is a contributing writer who is always looking to share Houston's coolest and tastiest happenings with the Houston Press readers.
Contact: Brooke Viggiano