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5 Fictional Foods That I Wish Were Real

Me, in my dreams.
Me, in my dreams.

As a child, I dreamed of diving head first into Roald Dahl's famous chocolate river. As an adult, I still do. Every. Single. Day.

Here are five other Fictional Foods That I Wish Were Real (in no particular order because truly, I want them all):

5. Harry Potter's Butterbeer

Let us just look at the name: Butterbeer. Butter. Beer. I mean, I rest my case.

It's supposed to taste like butterscotch and it gets House-elves drunk. How could I not want this?

I can see it now: I'm sitting in the back corner of the Leaky Cauldron. I have a mug full of hot Butterbeer in one hand and a wand I use to trip any Slytherin that walks down Diagon Alley in the other. It's dark and cold but the butterbeer and being planked by Fred and George Weasley are keeping me warm. They each don't know it, but I'm playing footsies with both of them under the table. Life is perfect.

Did that get a little creepy? Whatever. Ginger twins are hot.

Luckily for us all, there are several recipes for Butterbeer floating around the Net, like this one with Woodchuck cider and homemade butterscotch from Alamo Drafthouse.

Me, after a few too many...
Me, after a few too many...

4. Willy Wonka's Mushroom Caps

What right-minded individual hasn't longed to stick their face directly into one of the giant cream-filled mushroom caps from Willy Wonka's famed factory. The man was clearly a goddamn nut job, so you know this shit was good.

I think the filling would taste like a mix between vanilla frosting, whipped cream, marshmallow and white chocolate mousse topped with magic. And that cap like some sort of trippy, delicious candy -- maybe like those circus peanuts, but without the shitty taste.

Anyway, I'd eat the crap out of them and finish it off with whatever crack juice was in those buttercup teacups.

I really want every single thing from the book and movie. Even the one starring Johnny Depp. Don't even get me started on the chocolate bars with the golden tickets inside. I can do this all day. Seriously.

5 Fictional Foods That I Wish Were Real

3. SpongeBob's Krabby Patties

I want to go to the Krusty Krab, not to hang out with SpongeBob Squarepants (because honestly, I find his voice annoying and I think he's kinda gross), but to take a bite out of that sweet, sweet Krabby Patty that Mr. Krabs has been peddling to SB & Co. like crystal meth since the inception of the show.

The Krabby Patty is your basic cheeseburger, but with a kicker in the secret sauce, so secret that only two people know the ingredients in it -- Mr. Krabs and his mother.

I want to believe there's crab in it, but nothing has been confirmed. I hate secrets. God, I want this burger.

2. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's Pizza

Tell me you've never wanted a slice of the pizza from TMNT. Go ahead. I don't believe you.

Maybe it was the way the cheese oozed or the pepperoni was so perfectly red; maybe it was my unrequited love for all things Ninja Turtle; or maybe it was just the fact that I was a chubster. Whatever it was, that pizza always got me.

I also love that it looked the same no matter what crazy stoner shit it was topped with. I appreciate consistency.

On another note, I did not just price out a TMNT Pizza Thrower on eBay. I swear.

Honorable mention on the subject of pizza: The pizza from the 1988 film Mystic Pizza because 1) I love pizza and 2) its slogan is "A Slice of Heaven" and I believe them. The movie was titled after a pizza shop of the same name in Mystic, Connecticut. So yes, this place exists...and yes, they sell the pizza frozen at stores all over the place... but I'll probably never go there....or buy the frozen pizza. So.....

5 Fictional Foods That I Wish Were Real

1. The Flintstones' Brontosaurus Ribs

If I'm ever in Bedrock and stuck in a car where I have to actually drive using only the power of my feet, I'm pushing myself and whoever is with me to that drive-thru diner from the closing credits of the Flintstones cartoon.

I don't care what it takes. I don't care if my car tips over from the shear weight of the rib. I don't care if it costs me my rock necklace. I don't even care if I get sauce all over my brand-new wooly-mammoth dress. All I care about is eating the ribs of a giant, meaty brontosaurus.

Also, I wouldn't mind going to a RocDonald's or Bronto King.

Who's coming with me?



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