5 Lame Food-Themed Halloween Costumes to Avoid
Look, if you don't have the balls to just go topless and rock actual nipple pasties, then don't even bother.
Halloween is a time for creativity. It's the one time of year when you get to be someone else for a night, so you should make your alternate identity a good one. Put some thought into it, think of something original that will make people laugh, think, or even get angry. Don't be another schmuck in a pre-made costume you rented because you were too busy / uncaring to think of anything good. If that's the amount of effort you're willing to put into it, why bother? You might as well just wear what you normally wear and go with the "I'm-a-serial-killer-we-look-like-everyone-else" routine. At least that one still gets a chuckle every now and then, unlike the following costumes.
5. Banana Guy Banana Guy was obnoxious enough when he used to just show up as one of the Fruit of the Loom ensemble. We saw this happen multiple times when those commercials were at their most popular (late '80s, early '90s) and even as a kid, we wanted to scream "There is no banana in the Fruit of the Loom mascot group!" Yup, it's just an apple, a whole bunch of grapes, and... leaves, or something? Maybe parsley? Whatever, maybe we're sniping, but you took the time to either rent or make the damn costumes, you couldn't take the time to check for accuracy? But the Fruit of the Loom thing is nothing compared to the modern plague of the Banana Guy: the "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time" song, possibly the dumbest song ever written, and now a requirement for loud, drunken, repeated performances from anyone in this costume. The song was funny when it first debuted six or seven years ago, but not anymore. It's no longer peanut butter jelly time. Give the banana a rest.
Be honest, sport: no one's gonna come looking.
4. Milk Carton Guy We're currently at the ripe old age of 31, and never in our entire lifetime have we seen pictures of missing children on milk cartons. Oh, we're aware of the cliche, but it's either fallen out of practice or only continues in regions we've never visited. In any case, you shouldn't be basing your costume around dated material, anyway. More people would get the joke if you went as a tan M&M or a bottle of Crystal Pepsi. For that matter, is Halloween really the best time to remind everyone around you that horrible things frequently happen to children? The little pansies have already all but stopped trick-or-treating, for chrissakes.
3. Lollipop Costumes for Kids Come on, you guys. The whole reason you wear a lollipop costume in the first place is so you can hit on all the slutty nurses, slutty schoolgirls, and slutty paralegals you'll encounter throughout the evening. "Wanna lick?" is probably the most common proposition, as well as any number of innuendo-laden puns pertaining to the words "blow pop." Good old-fashioned fun for adults, woefully inappropriate for children. Aside from that, the costume is honestly too dorky to put a kid in. His buddies who dressed up as skeletons will undoubtedly beat the bubble gum center right out of him, and in the real world, there are very few elderly karate-expert groundskeepers who will intervene and save the poor little nerd.
Everybody hopes you break up. Like, tonight.
2. Couples Costumes Simply put, there are no good couples costumes as far as food is concerned. Matching salt and pepper shakers? Bacon and eggs? Fork and spoon? All terribly, terribly lame. The odds of both halves of a couple loving the idea of these lame-ass costumes are so small, one of you is almost certain to hate it. That leads to resentment, which leads to anger, which leads to a tearful screaming match in front of all your friends around midnight, right in the middle of the party, surrounded by various Shreks and Homer Simpsons. Have you ever had a fight while wearing a costume? It's impossible for you or anyone else to take you seriously ever again. Not to tire out the point, but again we must stress the importance of being creative. Go as deliberately conflicting foods, or better yet, use your imagination and think up something the pre-manufactured costumes don't cover. As far as we know, there hasn't yet been a costume of a Frenchman force-feeding a duck, but lord knows there should be.
That girl gagged a couple seconds later, but not for the reason you think; turns out, he really did have Franzia in there.
1. Anything With a Spout at the Crotch What are you, twelve? Grow up, asshole.
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