5 Thanksgiving Sides That Need to Go Away

5 Thanksgiving Sides That Need to Go Away
Photo by OctopusHat

The Pilgrims knew how to feast, man. Back in the day, they had it all -- wild turkey, venison, lobster, chestnuts, pumpkins, plums and even freaking seal. These guys set out the perfectly laid plan: Come together as a community and give thanks while gluttonously* feasting on locally sourced meat, poultry and seafood served with fresh, seasonal produce.

*The gluttony may or may not have been involved back then, but it has become an integral part of my Thanksgiving plan.

So I wonder, how -- with all of the history, all the years of practice and all the hours spent pinning random pretty pictures on Pinterest in the middle of the night -- did we manage to mess this one up? We may have finally figured out how to do the turkey justice and make a mean stuffing, but there are still tons of godawful sides that sneak their way into our feast, year after year.

This Thanksgiving, my wish is for all the....shit, we don't wish on Thanksgiving, do we? Okay, how about this: I'm going to lay out another perfectly laid plan for you guys, just like our ridiculously hatted forefathers.

See also: - Top 5 Under-$25 Wines for Thanksgiving - The Mayo Clinic's 10 Tips for Choosing and Prepping a Turkey - A Very Costco Thanksgiving: Feeding 8 People for $80 (Plus the Cost of Pie)

DO NOT serve the following shitty shit at your Thanksgiving feast:

Stop right there...
Stop right there...
Photo by Brandy

5. Anything with Marshmallows

Take ambrosia, for instance. Someone must have been seriously high when they came up with this one. Let's just take a look at what it is:

Ambrosia (n): a dessert (?) made of canned fruit, coconut and mini marshmallows mixed with sour cream or mayonnaise...and sometimes Cool Whip or Jell-O. Do I even need to comment? High people can't even possibly want to eat that.

But it doesn't stop there. Can we talk about the completely unnecessary addition that we continue to make to poor, innocent little sweet potatoes? "Those mashed sweet potatoes are delicious, Herb; now throw on some marshmallows and flambé the shit out of it!" It's like we refuse -- REFUSE -- to make anything simple.

Let's just do ourselves a favor and reserve the marshmallows for hot chocolate, S'mores, and that game where you see how many marshmallows you can stuff into your mouth before they start to get lodged down your throat and you have to be rushed to the E.R. at 3 a.m. on a Saturday, shall we?

4. Candied (insert delicious vegetable that you just ruined here)

Again, why must we over-sweeten every goddamn side at this goddamn feast? Do you think the pilgrims did this? Do you?!

Candied yams, candied ginger, candied cranberries, candied pecan. People even make candied carrots. I have an idea: Why don't you just cook the carrots alone, as carrots, and then eat them -- as fucking carrots? A little butter, some salt and a dash of black pepper. Boom. No tooth decay.

Candied turkey is the only natural progression, so I'm going to try to stop us all here.

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