Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 818 Bar & Lounge (818 Travis, 713-222-2254). No name. No artwork. No ambience to speak of. No glassware (just plasticware — you stay classy, 818). No bartender ("he's fixing something"). No Tito's vodka. No Hendrick's gin. No limes. No clue. No other customers. No words to describe how much this place sucks. No way I can have a few here before enduring my office holiday party. No way I'll ever come back here.

2 ounces shitty vodka

Splash of Dr Pepper...oops — gotta start all over!

2 ounces shitty vodka

Splash of tonic (maybe)

Lemon wedge (no limes, remember?)

Pour vodka and tonic (not Dr Pepper) over ice; stir and serve in a plastic cup. On second thought, it's Christmas — mix some eggnog and stay home with your family.

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