Apples vs. Bananas: A Showdown for the Ages
Not so funny when it's life and death.
When I was in college, my roommates and I had an ongoing debate about which would win in a fight: a fully grown male African lion or a fully grown male grizzly bear.
Obviously, if you say "lion" you are an idiot unworthy of continuing to breathe air. The grizzly bear can take a bipedal, upright boxing stance and take down the lion in a few swipes.
Spy vs. Spy, Red Sox vs. Yankees, Axis vs. Allies -- classic showdowns of consummate heavyweights that all pale in comparison to the great fruit debate of apples vs. bananas.
Just like the aforementioned epic contests, there is only one correct choice in the apples vs. bananas throw-down.
Bananas can get lost. I don't care how much potassium, fiber and folic acid (good for your colon, FYI) bananas have, I much prefer my food to crunch rather than squish.
I also have never comically slipped on an apple peel, coating myself with spilled food while my limbs flail and I go topsy-turvy onto my backside when walking out of the lunch line in middle school. Yes, this can actually happen.
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away" is a great adage, and I think it's no coincidence that bananas have never had similar poetic support. Perhaps it's because apples have so much more variety than bananas. Bananas are either firm and bright-yellow or brown and mushy, like a Band-Aid you wore for too long while swimming.
Look at all them damn apples.
With apples, there are not only a wide variety of colors, but also textures, shapes, tastes and levels of sweetness and tartness.
Apples are the croutons of a fruit salad because of their crunchy goodness. Bananas have no place in a fruit salad, and the last time I checked, there's no such thing as banana juice. Apple juice, however, is wonderful.
In fact, I don't think a single, firm argument can be made for bananas, unless you are impressed by their overused, clichéd place in pop-culture/comedy due to their inherent phallic symbolism.
Bananas are the subtle undertones of smoothies, or the third-best ingredient in banana nut bread -- bread and nuts taking first and second, respectively. Apples are the star of the show. I mean, you have to light bananas on fire to even make a decent dessert out of them.
Apples are the superior fruit, and though the two are irrevocably tied together (Raffi, anyone?), it is the apple that stands alone atop the pinnacle of the fruit heap.
Something gives me the feeling, though, that a bunch of you are going to think I'm wrong.
What's your favorite?
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