A chef, a pastry chef and a food critic walk into Erotic Cabaret.
It's not the beginning of a joke; it's how I spent my Saturday afternoon. I took chef Jonathan Jones of Beaver's and pastry chef Jody Stevens of Jodycakes to the "marital aid" store this past weekend in order to taste-test some of the finer edible adult products for those of you shopping for naughty Valentine's Day gifts.
Their qualifications, other than being highly successful in their fields? Stevens won an AVN award for her line of "Jodycakes After Dark" products in 2008, while Jones is perhaps best known for answering the question "What are your favorite things to eat?" with the volley, "Other than women?"
Needless to say, neither was particularly shy about choosing a "menu" of edible erotics, although both were extremely particular about the ingredients.
"Look at this one," Stevens exclaimed, holding aloft a set of body pens in chocolate and strawberry flavors. "These are real ingredients. No chemicals. These are going to taste good."
So with the assistance of a very helpful saleswoman at Erotic Cabaret -- who suggested a personal favorite of hers, a Jawbreaker ballgag -- we purchased seven of the store's most popular edible products and proceeded to taste test them. Consider it a Valentine's Day buying guide for our more "adult" readers.
The items we tried on Saturday afternoon ranged in price and product:
- Edible Undies - Strawberry ($3.99)
- Edible Candy Bra ($7.99)
- Lovers Body Pen Set ($7.99)
- Amazing Edible Finger Body Paint Kit ($9.99)
- Jawbreaker Ball Gag ($14.99)
- Kama Sutra Love Liquid - Cinnamon ($14.99)
- Kama Sutra Sweet Heart Set ($34.99)
Our favorites are listed below, from least to most. And, yes, it's all safe for work.
7. Edible Undies - Strawberry ($3.99)
These came out of the package looking and smelling like the horrible bastard child of Fruit Roll-Ups and a child's chemistry lab experiment gone wrong. "Should you even put that near your junk?" asked Jones, eying the panties suspiciously.
Once unrolled from their plastic wrapper, we saw that the "panties" are really more like "a heart-shaped piece of chemical-laden fruit-leaf with strings attached." You tie the undies in place. They look horribly uncomfortable and sticky.
Both chefs spit their samples out. "I would vomit on my partner," said Stevens. "This tastes like the worst fucking cotton candy ever," said Jones. He continued: "Did you see the ingredient list here? Glycerol acetate ester and all kinds of other crap."
"Dreadful," was Stevens's final consensus.
6. Amazing Edible Finger Body Paint Kit ($9.99)
These came in completely unappetizing colors, including one that looked like regular blood and one that looked like the acidic xenomorph blood from Alien. Sexy. They were supposed to be fruit-flavored, but tasted more like Laffy Taffy gone very bad.
"These taste like the barium shakes they make you drink before upper GIs," said Jones. "It leaves a gross film on the back of your throat," said Stevens. "A definite turn-off."
Finally, before we could continue, she said, "I'm sorry. I really need to get up and rinse my mouth out."
5. Edible Candy Bra ($7.99)
This is exactly what it sounds like: a candy necklace all grown up, shaped like a bra. "It probably won't melt on you," was all that Jones had to offer. We all felt awkward and kind of sad looking at it, like we'd just discovered that one of our childhood friends was now doing hardcore furry porn.
"It tastes like old, stale sugar candy," said Stevens. And indeed it did. But at least it was otherwise inoffensive.
4. Jawbreaker Ball Gag ($14.99)
"If you're going to be hit with a candy whip, you might as well have a candy ball gag to go with it," remarked Jones as he fastened the Jawbreaker into place in his mouth. "It tastes good," he said after removing it. "Like a real Jawbreaker."
"And it makes you salivate like a motherfucker!" he further offered. Neither Stevens nor I wanted to test the Jawbreaker out after that, but we liked the cute pink harness that went with it.
3. Kama Sutra Love Liquid - Cinnamon ($14.99)
We were all wary of the "warming" effect that this highly recommended personal lubricant advertised. But despite rubbing it on our hands for extended periods of time, that warming sensation never occurred. I've never understood the allure of "warming" lubes anyway, unless you're into necrophilia. What living human being isn't already "warm" down there?!
Regardless, the lube tasted very nice, like Red Hot candies. As an added benefit, it's water-based and non-staining. And, as Jones pointed out, "It'll make it taste sweet while you're doing it!" Yes, we figured as much.
2. Kama Sutra Sweet Heart Set ($34.99)
This was the big-ticket splurge item of the day at just under $35, and it would have come in first place except for the disgusting chocolate body souffle that was included in the set. Apparently, Kama Sutra products are into offering "sensations" along with flavors, as the chocolate body souffle offers a "numbing" effect.
"It's like someone mixed Noxema with chocolate milk," said Stevens. "This is awful." My lips and tongue went numb after tasting it. Off-putting to say the least.
The other two ingredients were far better, though: a dark chocolate body paint that tasted exactly like Dove dark chocolate, and honey dust. "It's made with real, dehydrated honey," said Jones as he enthusiastically dusted his own hand with the stuff.
1. Lovers Body Pen Set ($7.99)
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One of the least expensive purchases was our unanimous favorite of the day. "This is real pastry chef stuff!" exclaimed Stevens as she read the ingredient list and examined the pen's tip. "This would be fun."
"Oh, look, it has a double-sided applicator!" said Jones, drawing on his forearm with the chocolate pen while Stevens drew a heart on her hand with the strawberry. "It tastes just like Nestle's strawberry milk," she gushed.
"This would even taste good in large quantities," she said, finishing her Valentine's Day heart design with a flourish. "And it's practical!"
Practicality: Perhaps the most under-looked but important quality of all in an edible adult product.