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Dinner at the Sex Shop: Edible Items for Fun Times in Bed

Are you hungry yet?
Are you hungry yet?
Photo by Monica Fuentes

I just want to start by saying edible underwear isn't always as cool as you think it will be.

That's not a metaphor for life. It's a legit piece of advice.

A couple of weeks ago we ranked condom flavors 'cause we thought it would be fun and it's minimally related to food. This week, we went back to the sex shop and bought things that are actually intended to be consumed.

It wasn't pretty.

Because there's such a wide variety of edible items (lube, underwear, lollipops, oral pleasure gel, etc.) and because each item generally comes in a number of different flavors, there was just too much product for us to taste and rank them all. Instead, we're giving you an overview of some of the more interesting products that come in unique flavors.

Please note I did not say "good flavors." Unique.

Dinner at the Sex Shop: Edible Items for Fun Times in Bed
Photo by Monica Fuentes

Penis Lollipops Most sex shops have these in a variety of sizes and flavors. Just the other day, my friend told me he has a giant rainbow penis lollipop. Great for bachelorette (or bachelor) parties, and surprisingly tasty. I mean, I guess it's hard to mess up flavored sugar. We tried a small orange-flavored one because it was the closest to flesh-colored and therefore the creepiest. It tasted a little like orange Tums because it was slightly chalky. That said, I like the idea of a penis helping me get over a stomach ache.

Verdict: Totally going back for the giant rainbow one ASAP.

Pomegranate Lube I honestly don't even know how many flavors of lube are out there. I would imagine that most fruits have a lube counterpart. I was not expecting pomegranate as an option, but damn! It was pretty good! It tasted a lot like pomegranate juice, only without all those nasty antioxidants. The brand we tried was "Wet," and though we haven't used it for its intended purpose, we all agreed that we'd use it again. For something.

Verdict: POM Wonderful!

 

Dinner at the Sex Shop: Edible Items for Fun Times in Bed
Photo by Monica Fuentes

Cherry Pie Nipplicious Nipple Arousal Gel Yeah, that's a thing. Because a little hanky panky isn't always enough to get your nipples...um...aroused, there's a cherry pie flavored gel to maximize the pleasure. And you know what? It's pretty tingly. On my hand, that is. But we could all totally see it being tingly elsewhere. The downside is it tastes like that cherry mint tooth polish they use at the dentist, only there's no water pick to rinse out your mouth after you ingest cherry pie nipple arousal gel. OK, now spit.

Verdict: Real cherry pie would probably still do the trick. Try that instead.

Banana Warming Oil Here's what the bottle says: "Our Aphrodisiac edible warming oil is a unique formula, blended with two herbal extracts to enhance sexual satisfaction. To really make things hot, just blow lightly!" Here's what we say: It definitely tastes like bad banana candy. It's a lot like Banana Runts. But what do you do with edible warming oil? Do you lick, then blow? Exactly which herbal extracts are included?

Verdict: Would not use, but for some reason we all want banana bread now.

 

Dinner at the Sex Shop: Edible Items for Fun Times in Bed
Photo by Monica Fuentes

Oral-Gasm Enhancer Balm in Mint Chocolate Chip This sounded really promising. How do you mess up mint chocolate chip?! The answer, apparently, is by turning it into an adult novelty product. It tastes like mint chocolate chip mixed with mineral oil, glycerin and aloe vera gel, which is exactly what it is. It's not the worst thing we've ever tasted, but it's no mint chocolate chip ice cream, that's for damn sure. It's also thin and milky white, so it looks...questionable. Green would have been a better choice.

Verdict: Would use only if there's no ice cream around.

Candy Ball Gag Personally, none of us are super into ball gags. What we are into, though, are giant jawbreakers like the kind you used to have to beg your parents for when you were a kid. And that's exactly what this is. It's a hands-free jawbreaker. Brilliant! Now if they could just do this with various lollipops and chocolates, that would be stellar. No more car accidents from eating while driving--you've got a hands-free meatball gag!

Verdict: Would use, but not during sex, only while driving or operating heavy machinery.

 

DO NOT WANT.
DO NOT WANT.
Photo by Monica Fuentes

Edible Bra and Underwear in Pink Champagne and Forbidden Fruit Where to begin? Edible underwear is not at all what I thought it was.

I think cotton underwear might taste better than this crap, and it would be easier to eat. Upon opening the two packages, we were surprised to find that the bra is tiny. Like, tiny. It's not that the boob covering part is small, but the strings are too short to tie around the back, even on a small person. And then we were surprised to find that it tastes disgusting. We weren't expecting a pink champagne edible bra to taste like actual pink champagne, but we also weren't expecting it to taste like plastic and get stuck in our teeth and under our fingernails for hours.

The "forbidden fruit" set came with a bra, a male brief and panties. Turns out the male brief and the panties are the exact same shape, so if you want to eat matching clothes off your lover, these are for you! The forbidden fruit tastes exactly the same as the pink champagne, which means they're both disgusting. And they look stupid on. And did I mention how bad they taste? The copyright on the back of the box is from 1977, and we're not sure if that refers to the photo, the recipe for the underwear or both. Either way, it's time to get with the new millennium. Haven't the makers ever heard of fruit roll ups?

Verdict: WOULD NOT USE. The fruit roll ups idea is definitely intriguing though...


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