Domino's $12 Million Dollar Assistance Hard to Swallow

An investigation of Domino's perpetually cold pizza uncovers a clay-mation "Noid" and an Ice-O-Matic .
An investigation of Domino's perpetually cold pizza uncovers a clay-mation "Noid" and an Ice-O-Matic .

Growing up, Friday was pizza night. We can recall many a happy evening in the '80s spent watching ABC's TGIF and eating Domino's Pizza. With the '90s came the far superior Papa John's, with crust that (wow!) resembled actual bread, tomato sauce that really tasted like tomatoes, and the trademark garlic butter dipping sauce, inching you closer to a coronary with every bite.

Today, we can't remember the last time that we ordered pizza from a national chain. The TV offers sound attractive, but we've learned that one medium prosciutto pizza from New York Pizzeria beats two cold, greasy wheels of Domino's cardboard any day--even if it costs twice as much.

Did we feel guilty for abandoning the pizza we loved so dearly in our youth? Of course not. The delivery people were rude, the pizza usually arrived cold, and we're still not fully convinced they weren't using actual cardboard as filler for their dough.

Just a refresher...

capitalism ||ˈkapətlˌizəm| Noun. An economic and political system in which a country's trade and industry are controlled by private owners for profit, rather than by central planning by the government.

Thank goodness we live in a capitalist society, where a company consistently providing low-quality products and services will eventually be driven out of the market by reduced demand and competition, allowing new opportunities for increased profitability, growth, jobs, and innovation among competitors and small business.

What would happen if we didn't? Well, "in theory", a huge federally funded agency could come in with a crapload of cheese and a $12 million dollar check for a slick rebranding campaign, allowing those cold, greasy, wheel-peddling bastards (now with 40 percent more cheese!) to take back market share from more deserving small businesses.

Thank goodness we don't have to worry about anything like that.

Domino's "Big Taste Bailout" ad campaign:

Former Domino's CEO Dave Brandon "giving a bailout to Main Street, not Wall Street" in a commercial from last year.

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