Five Staples of the Redneck Freezer
Graphic by Monica Fuentes
Before y'all get all hot and bothered by the title of this post, let me say that I don't consider redneck to necessarily be a pejorative term. I believe there's a little hick in all of us, and there's nothing's shameful if you find yourself nodding along with Jeff Foxworthy. You may secretly love NASCAR or harbor a crush on your first cousin, or maybe you just stock your icebox with these five redneck staples:
5. Tater tots Napoleon Dynamite made them popular among the hipster set, but these dry, gummy barrels are still the redneck's favorite way to eat potatoes at home. Special occasions, of course, call for McDonald's fries.
4. Corn, carrots and peas mix Even rednecks know it's important to eat your vegetables; they just haven't gotten the memo that the green ones tend to have ten times the nutrients. Or that corn is actually grain. Anyhoo, a scoop of CCP mix, three minutes in the microwave, and a pat of butter makes for a healthful complement to that beef jerky.
3. Fish sticks Living far from a body of water may mean you are understandably unacquainted with and/or unable to obtain decent fish. Or maybe you associate salmon, sole, and swordfish filets with them city slickers? Either way, the regular presence of breaded sticks of nebulous whitefish in your freezer suggests you're of the hick persuasion.
2. Hungry-Man dinners The redneck eschews Swanson, Healthy Choice and other purveyors of frozen meals for good reason. Hungry-Man dinners are about a thousand times better. They rarely involve anything that's not processed cheese, red/fried meat, and white starch, so there's no risk of ingesting anything "exotic," "foreign," or, god forbid, "organic."
1. Foil-wrapped mystery meat Well, we know it's not Kobe beef, free-range chicken, or wild salmon. More likely is squirrel, possum, or deer. But this aluminum loaf may never be correctly identified. Even if it makes it out of the freezer, the mystery meat's original flavor will be overpowered by the redneck's favorite marinade: ketchup.
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