This Sunday, April 24, is Easter, the day which Christians traditionally celebrate as the resurrection of Jesus Christ after being dead and entombed for three days. Never mind that the holiday itself is named after a pagan Anglo-Saxon goddess, Ēostre, who was once revered as the guardian of the dawn -- Easter is now about zombie Jesus!
As befitting His reputation for showing up at unlikely times (say, oh, after being suffocated to death by crucifixion and buried in a cave with a giant stone blocking the entrance), Jesus also tends to appear to His followers in things like toast and tortillas. Because in addition to having nothing better to do, Jesus is also a foodie.
In celebration of Easter, here's a list of the most unlikely and downright stupid places Jesus has chosen to appear. Tofu, Christ? Really?
In a pieróg
I love pierogi and I love Jesus, but I am not about to (a) admit that this scorch mark looks like anything other than a scorch mark or (b) pay $1,775 for a burnt pieróg on eBay.
In a bag of Cheetos
Somehow, this Dallas couple made the staggering leap from noticing that one of their Cheetos looked "like a person in a robe praying" to deciding that it was none other than Jesus Christ in Cheeto form. I have to think that an all-powerful deity who rules heaven and earth would pick a more dignified medium in which to manifest Himself. I picture Jesus sitting up on a cloud somewhere saying, "REALLY, ASSHOLES? YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE A CHEETO?" It's kind of insulting, really.
In a tortilla
Perhaps the most famous of the Jesus food sightings, the tortilla in which Maria Rubio first saw Jesus back in 1977 now has its own shrine. A tortilla. Has a shrine. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure 1 John 5:21 and all of the Pauline epistles specifically prohibited idolatry. But what do I know; maybe God makes exceptions for tortillas.
On a Marmite lid
This image in no way resembles a human face, let alone that of Jesus Christ. Yet if a struggling mother sees Jesus in her jar of yeast spread and it comforts her, who am I to cast stones? "We've had a tough couple of months," her son told the BBC. "My mum's been really ill and it's comforting to think that if he is there, he's watching over us." Fine; you've tugged at my heartstrings. Have your Mar-Christ.
In a hunk of seitan
The most disturbing thing to me about this particular instance of religious paredolia is how closely the seitan resembles a rotting hunk of human flesh (seen at right). So not only do you have a simulacrum of Jesus dying on the cross, it looks like something that was the direct result of some dark transubstantiation ritual gone wrong.
In a grilled cheese sandwich
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SHOW ME HOW
This burn mark looks more like Marlene Dietrich than it does a grown man, let alone Jesus. But that didn't stop Diana Duyser of Florida from calling it the "holy toast" and selling it on eBay with a starting bid of $3,000. Profiting from idolatry? Yes, I'm sure Jesus would approve. It's not like he ever went batshit crazy inside a Temple and threw out all of the greedy, defiling moneychangers. Oh, wait.
And when Jesus is busy, he sends in his mom to do cameo appearances, like the Virgin Mary that appeared to an elementary school cafeteria worker on a pizza pan right here in Houston. It's a family affair.