How to Cook a Corn Dog
Sunday, February 1, is the biggest alpha-male event of the year -- Super Bowl Party! The beer will flow and the steaks will grill. In the spirit of cooking up some good eats, I've put together a few recipes for the best grub for the big game.
So ladies, mosey on along. Nothing of interest to see here. Just a bunch of manly recipes for corn dogs, chili and steaks. No reason to click that "Continue reading..." link below. If necessary, I can recommend other Internet destinations.
Alright fellas, on to the Super Bowl munchies madness!
OK guys, looks like the diversionary tactic worked. Grab a beer, pull up a chair, and let's get down to brass tacks. We will soon be faced with the most treacherous and yet potentially rewarding day in a dude's year: Valentine's Day.
Danger. Will. Robinson.
As many of us know from painful experience, any missteps on February 14th may lead to the inability to close the deal at the end of the evening and, more significantly, said missteps will inevitably result in years of emotional pain inflicted upon us by our SOs at the most inopportune moments.
Yes, the stakes are high. But I'm here to help.
Below is my hard-won advice for pulling off an error-free evening without spending all your hard-earned coin but still ensuring end-of-evening deal closure.
Flowers. Sorry gents, there's no cutting corners here. A woman's olfactory system is as finely tuned to the smell of cheap flowers as it is to the smell of cheap strippers. Do not have the arrogance to think you can overcome either. Play it safe. You're gonna pony up at least a Benjamin for a dozen good roses.
Dinner. Again, women are like bloodhounds when it comes to sniffing out a cheap restaurant. They can probably tell from the name alone (may want to skip Crappito's for this one). French-sounding names are always acceptable. And do not, I repeat do not, make jokes about taking her to Hooters.
And last but not least...
Candy. You've got some wiggle room here. Be creative. Not only can the correct candy acquisition make up for any minor slipups earlier in the evening, good quality candy can be bought cheaply without her ever knowing the difference. Here's how.
There are many dudes just like us who work in supermarkets. They know how high the stakes are. Many of our supermarket brethren will surreptitiously set up discount candy displays just for this purpose. They are often located in strategic spots like the beer aisle or in the frozen TV dinner section. If you are not sure a candy display is approved, stand in front of it and wait for a male staffer to walk by and give them a nod. If they're in on it, they'll knowingly nod back. You're good to go.
Warning: Do not follow this procedure if you find candy on sale at a Montrose supermarket! (Not that there's anything wrong with that).
I recently visited Central Market and right in the middle of the frozen food aisle was a giant display of chocolate truffles -- $4.99 for a box of 30. This is a great deal and perfect for the occasion. Not to mention these are organic chocolate truffles. Nice touch. I have no idea what it means but it can't hurt to tell your lady that the chocolate truffles you spent so much money on are organic. And they're imported from France. Bonus points.
Don't forget to take your candy pieces out of the box and wrap them in some frilly, clear plastic wrap (not a freezer bag!). Place this in one of those paper gift bags you probably have left over from Christmas. Decals of hearts and cupids can be purchased to cover the snowmen and Santas and little baby Jesus' that festoon such bags. A magic marker can be used a pinch to convert little baby Jesus into cupid.
Alright gentlemen, that's about it. You've got your marching orders. It's alot to remember but careful planning, smooth execution and a single day's worth of good behavior will pay dividends for the rest of the year.
Oh, and one more thing. On top of all that you still have to cook the corn dogs and chili and steaks for the big Super Bowl Party coming up. You know what? Don't bother. Just cater the damn thing.