How to Cook Naked, Part 2

Brave chef Michael Dei Maggi from The Rockwood Room.
Brave chef Michael Dei Maggi from The Rockwood Room.

Yesterday, we ran through five tips on how to cook naked. Today we bring you five more.

Wear sunscreen and/or mosquito repellant (in the case of grilling outdoors/smoking anything) While this mainly applies to outdoor cooking, it might not be a bad idea for various indoor situations as well. Mosquitoes can infiltrate a back door in no time, and skylights let in daytime sun. When applying mosquito repellant, do so far, far away from your cooking facilities, and especially from the grill, unless you like your meat marinated with DEET and the essence of burnt hair. As far as sunscreen goes, make sure your hands aren't slippery, because a freshly seared steak landing on your hoo-ha can really ruin the meal.

Buy pre-chopped veggies Avoiding sharp objects like knives will reduce your chances of injury significantly, as well as any urges you may have to "experiment" with certain interestingly shaped vegetables (or meats - we won't judge).

Keep all edibles above the waist at all times There's not much worse than finding a pube halfway through a bite of macaroni and cheese. To avoid such embarrassing situations, never lower any dishes or utensils below your waist for any reason. Chest hair is much more socially acceptable to pick discreetly off your roasted chicken than a curly cue sticking straight up from the mashed potatoes. Also, this rule prevents any inkling of American Pie reenactments.

Shades drawn Unless you enjoy a good rendezvous with the cops every now and then, it's probably best that you draw your curtains or shades, close the fence and block out the rest of the world. If you enjoy the risk of being caught, note that your neighbors will never take you up on that standing Tuesday-evening dinner invitation if they spy your noodly appendage and it's not part of your spaghetti.

Hand sanitizer Along the "ounce of prevention" lines, keeping hand sanitizer no more than a squirt away is not a bad idea. Prevent the spread of germs from those warm, moist nooks and crannies to your warm, moist dishes.

Helpful hint All the alcohol from hand sanitizer can burn the dickens upon contact with those oh-so-sensitive areas of lily-white skin. You have been warned.

To bacon or not to bacon? Traditionally, cooking bacon on the stovetop produces a fair amount of splattering grease. See #2 for details if you're still confused. However, there are alternate cooking options for bacon if it is absolutely necessary for your naked meal. Oven baking is a no-splatter option, but the tricky part comes when it's time to pull out. Microwaving is the other, less obvious choice, but can leave bacon limp and flaccid. You know what? Better to save the bacon for another day.


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